Disasterpiece

As I sat on my bed, knees drawn up to my chest and tears pouring down my cheeks; I thought about how stupid I’d been, how much I had ignored the signs right in front of me. Joey may have been scared of letting me know how he felt, but now I thought back there were signs everywhere; actions, little things he said. If only I could’ve harnessed that power that bubbled up during the court case, then I would’ve been able to tell Joey I felt a long time ago. We could be happily together right now.

I cried even harder.

Suddenly the bedroom door creaked open and in crept Brandon, holding a plastic bag full of Chinese food. His face immediately turned to one of concern when he saw me, how I wished he wasn’t here right now, I couldn’t deal with him on top of everything. Brandon put the food down on the floor and sat down beside me, rubbing my arm gently.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice full of honest concern. I did my best to stifle my cries, wiping my eyes.

“It’s nothing, I’m ok,” I lied, not wanting to hurt Brandon by telling him that I had just realised how irrevocably in love I was with Joey.

“You’re such a liar,” he said with a warm tug of his lips. I looked down at my feet, unable to join in with his humour. He sighed, dropping his hand from my arm. We sat in silence for a while, I’m not sure how long, but I kept my gaze firmly on my feet; my mind wandering around in the land of dreams that I could’ve made a reality.

“Vixen,” Brandon said solemnly, his tone had changed, like there was a fierce, despondent resolution to it. I looked up at him, almost scared of what he was going to say; my heart beat heavily. He looked me directly in the eyes, unblinking and serious.

“You know that I like you, I haven’t done anything to hide it,” he started; I bit my lip, wanting to look down but unable to break the contact. “But I’m not blind to the fact that you don’t feel the same way,” he added. My head told me to protest, to tell him he was wrong and we could work things out, but my heart stayed firm…it knew what and who I truly wanted.

Brandon looked away, stood up and began to stroll around the room; pondering his next words carefully. I watched him cautiously, having no idea where he was heading with this. He stopped by my pile of CDs, bent down and pulled a CD from the bottom of the pile – the Murderdolls one he had pulled out previously that I had shoved back under the next day. He turned to me, holding it up. With a deep breath he nudged his head in the direction of the plastic case. I held my breath tentatively.

“I know things will never work between us while you’re hooked on someone else,” he said resolutely. Placing the CD on my bedside table, he propped it up towards me just like he had the other night.

“How did-” I started weakly, but he shook his head with a sad smile.

“Frank said you liked one of the Slipknot guys, it wasn’t hard to work out which one. I just figured you must be over him since you stayed here…well I think I hoped more than anything,” he explained. His shoulders were slumped; I could tell he was wrecked to be admitting his fears.

“I’m so sorry,” I apologised; my legs falling from my chest to over the side of the bed.

“Don’t be, you can’t control how you feel. Just do me one favour?” he asked.

“Anything,” I replied; he deserved a million and one favours from me.

“Let me keep my job?” he joked lightly.

“I’ll give you a pay rise and everything,” I chuckled back. Getting to my feet I embraced him in a tight, thankful hug. “Under different circumstances I’m sure we would’ve worked out,” I said softly as we pulled away. He nodded as if he knew that already.

“I’m still here for you if you need it,” he said.

“Thank you,” I replied, grinning weakly at him. He waved, turned, picked up the Chinese and walked out of my room.

That left me standing, staring blankly at the door. I was in a grateful awe of the strength of Brandon’s character; whatever girl ended up with him would be one of the luckiest in the world. With a sigh I turned my head, my eyes landing on the Murderdolls CD, reminding me with a sudden jolt that I was now free of Brandon…I was free to be with Joey. But hadn’t I missed my chance? Hadn’t I ruined it by letting him walk away before?

My insides squirmed, racing and pounding against each other. Was it too late or could I still tell Joey how I felt? How would I go about doing that anyway? I looked around the room wildly as if searching for an answer, but the only thing I connected with was the iPod; the new place I was supposed to find myself. The new place Joey himself had given me.

Fuck it. I was going to tell him how I felt even if he changed his mind about his feelings and rejected me, it couldn’t be any worse than living with a pining urge for him for the rest of my life.

Grabbing my bag and car keys, I literally ran out of the house, jumping into the car. My hands were shaking with elation and pure fear as I tried to get the keys into the ignition, it took me a few attempts but once I got there I hit the accelerator and sped as fast as I dared towards his house; hoping against all hope that he was there.

As I pulled up outside I saw that his lights were on; that only made my chest pound harder and more fiercely than it ever had before. For a second I doubted myself, gripping onto the steering wheel tighter I stared up at his big house wondering if I was doing the right thing.

Stop it Vixen, you’re going to tell him whether it kills you or not, I berated myself.

Quickly before I changed my mind or chickened out, I hopped out of the car, pacing up to his front door. Reaching out I held my hand above the dark wood for a moment, taking in a few deeps breathes before I rapt on it.

One, two, three knocks.

I was still shaking and I could feel sweat trickling down my spine; this was the single most exhilarating moment of my life. I could’ve fainted, screamed and fist pumped into the air all at the same time.

I could hear movement inside, footsteps coming up to the door. Oh god, oh god what had I done, what was I going to do.

The door pulled open, unveiling a gloomy-faced Joey; well it was gloomy for a split second until it warped into shock at finding me standing there.

“Vixen?” he asked incredulously. Shuddering, I did my best to offer him a smile.

“Hi Joey,” I squeaked; mentally kicking myself for sounding so pathetic.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, I could see he was trembling ever so slightly as well – preparing himself.

“I just – I just –” I stuttered. In frustration with myself I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and looked pointedly at him. This was it. “I really like you too and I want to be with you more than anything. Brandon and I are over so that’s not an issue anymore, I’m sorry if this is a bad time or you’ve changed your m-” I rambled, but he cut me off.

His lips crashed against mine, his arms wrapping around my wait and drawing me into his hot aura. I fell into the kiss, for the first time I didn’t feel scared, nervous or apprehensive about been so close to him. Everything seemed to fall into place; it was like the feeling of coming home, that warm escalation of your body arriving where it knows it belongs – where it knows it should be.

I placed my hands on the sides of his face and kissed back, hard and passionate so he knew I wanted this more than anything.

So there it was, the one thing I’d been waiting for. The one thing my heart had desired. There I was kissing Joey, the absolute love of my life.