Disasterpiece

Relief. The one word that summed up exactly how I was feeling – pure, joyous, relief. Michael was out of my life for good, Corey was off the hook and I had just left Uncle Frank’s place where the op shop guy had agreed to clear it all out for me starting next week. I was home-bound on the stress-free train.

Ok, it was a temporary train; but it still felt good.

Pulling into my driveway, I got out of the car and did a little cocky strut up to the front door where I came across some flowers. With a raised brow I picked them up, pulling the tag from the stems.

me + you = dinner tonight?

Brandon xo

A sharp twinge of guilt struck me, I had been consciously avoiding contact with him since yesterday morning when we said our awkward good bye; but even though I was sure he realised my cold shoulder, he was still trying to be sweet and make an effort. Sighing deeply, I vowed to myself that I would make an effort too, that I would put aside all my hang ups and give ‘us’ a good go. People grow on you after all; maybe my feelings might extend from that of just friendship?

I walked in and placed the flowers in a vase as I texted Brandon to tell him that dinner would be perfect. Discarding my phone on the kitchen bench, I looked around realising for the first time how messy the house was – I don’t think either Josie or I had cleaned since we’d been back. So donning some rubber gloves and an apron, I got to work cleaning up; the part of me that wanted to try things out with Brandon was secretly happy at this as it meant the house would be nice and shiny by the time he got here.

It probably would’ve been clean too if I hadn’t got distracted half way through. I was in the middle of dusting when I pulled out one of the draws in the TV cabinet, coming across a pile of photos. With a questioning glance I put down my duster, grabbed the photos and sat on the couch to go through them.

I wasn’t a very proficient photo-taker so I knew they were Josie’s straight away and they appeared to be a pretty awesome collection that summed up our friendship. There were photos from when we were seven; to some when we were fifteen and even a couple more recent ones (I couldn’t even remember half of them being taken). It filled me with a kind of nostalgia and made me sad for the first time that she was over on the other side of the world making amazing memories, and I was back in Des Moines for what felt like forever. It was miserable to think that we weren’t on an adventure together, we usually did everything together.

Regardless of the misery, the photos were amazing – a testament to our friendship; I really wanted to display them. I bit my lip, looking around at the walls – we really didn’t have that much up, if I bought a couple of photo frames…and then I remembered that Uncle Frank bought me photo frames for my birthday last year, but as I had no use for them then, I’d shoved them up in my cupboard for ‘future use’.

Bubbling with excitement, I jumped off the couch, skipping into my room and pulled open my cupboard doors. There was no way I was going to be able to reach the top so I dragged a chair in to stand on; the proper view gave me an insight into just how much junk I threw up here. On top of the photo frames there were old hand bags, board games, books and a little box…

I froze, heart thumping as I drew the box out. I stared wide-eyed at it as I turned it slowly over in my hands…my birthday gift from Joey which I had condemned to a life of darkness. Getting down off the chair, I sat on my bed still staring at the box like I was in awe of it. It was crazy how racked my emotions suddenly became; subconsciously I knew I was shaking and my breathing deepening; and all over a little box with unknown contents.

Should I open it? Would I want to know what’s inside? I couldn’t decide, stupidly it felt like I was making a massive life decision; like the repercussions of knowing could change my existence completely. Closing my eyes, I gripped the box tighter in my hands, waiting for some kind of divine intervention to give me the answer.

The doorbell rang.

Jumping out of shock and with my heart still racing, I abandoned the gift on my bed and hurried to the front door. When I pulled it open I almost fainted out of disbelief, I actually had to hold the door so I didn’t go over as my legs turned to jelly without warning. If I thought my heart was racing before, it was uncontrollable now.

“Hey,” Joey greeted nervously, a timid smile creeping on his lips. He looked almost scared as he stood on the porch, his aura was completely diminished of any rock star hierarchy, instead he seemed small and unsure of himself; one of his feet was actually pointed towards the driveways like he was ready to run at any moment. I was shocked into silence; the coincidence seemed too great, too unbelievable. I struggle to find any words, but I knew I had to try or he’d go running.

“Hey,” I chocked out; there was a faintness to my voice. Joey shuffled uncomfortably, pushing his hands deep into his jeans. He looked down at the ground, avoiding eye contact with me as a large sigh escaped his lips.

“I just came to say I’m sorry,” he mumbled; his voice was so low I barely caught it; but the words surprised me even more. It was hard to fathom that he would fly all the way back home just so say sorry…and sorry to me of all people!

“You don’t need to be sorry, it’s all ok,” I replied, though I was filled with a rush of warmth now I’d heard those words, I would’ve never expected him to put so much effort into saying them. He looked up at me, his eyes big with wonderment.

“You know I have to be sorry,” he said; and I did know that an apology was deserved; but it all felt too extravagant.

“Maybe,” I replied. “But you didn’t need to fly all the way over here to say it, I would’ve forgiven you even if you had only texted me,” I told him, letting a small smile pass my features. Instead of smiling back, Joy sighed again, looking down at his feet. I bit my lip nervously, unsure of why he was acting so strange; I wanted to reach out and tell him it was all ok, all was forgiven and I held no grudges…but something held me back, and after a moments silence he spoke again.

“I didn’t come here just to apologise,” he muttered; my breath caught in my throat. He looked up at me again, his eyes shining bright – I honestly could not breathe. “Vixen –” he started, but paused again with another sigh, like it was the hardest thing he was ever going to say. He glanced down, took a few deep breaths, then looked back up at me and started again.

“I came to tell you how I feel about you…that I…that I really like you,” he got out. If my legs felt like jelly before, it was nothing compared to now. My eyes flashed black as I almost fell over. The scenario I had dreamt about had come to pass, Joey had admitted he actually liked me and all I could do was stare at him wordlessly; there was nothing I could say, nothing I could put into words that could possibly follow that sentence. Joey actually liked me and I was dumbfounded.

“Vix are you ok?” he asked in concern, stepping closer to me. I could imagine that my face had paled considerably.

“Maybe,” I whispered, my voice high pitched. He smiled sympathetically.

“Look, I don’t know if you feel the same way or anything, but I had to tell you. I’m sorry I’ve been a jerk to you, I’ve liked you for a long time but with my past experiences of screwing shit up and then not knowing how Corey would take it – I didn’t want to ruin friendships or hurt you, especially not hurt you,” he explained in a rush, almost falling over every word. My head spun as I process each syllable, his last sentence striking me right in the heart.

“Joey-” I started, my voice cracking.

“Wait,” he cut me off, holding his hand up; panic evident on his face. “Before you say anything, I know you’re with someone else now so I’m not going to intrude on his territory, obviously you’re happy if you’re with him and that’s all I can hope for. I’ve never been sure that I could make you happy, so I’m glad you’ve found someone who does. I hope this doesn’t ruin what you’ve got with him, but telling you how I feel was the only way I could explain my behaviour and why I’ve been such a stand-offish ass,” he said.

I paused, my happy feeling subsiding as a crease grew on my brow. I was confused now – did he want to be with me or did he just want to tell me he liked me to support his apology? I still didn’t understand why he’d come all the way to tell me that, I could understand if he had wanted more from me, but to only pass on the information…

“I don’t know what to say,” I replied lightly. Joey smiled again, but this time it was a sad smile; his shoulders slumped with it in dejection like he was secretly hoping for more; wanting me to disprove his logic.

“You don’t need to say anything,” he said, his tone low - miserable. “So we’re friends again?” he asked, but not the in the happy upbeat way you’d expect from two people reuniting.

“Yeah we’re…friends,” I replied, swallowing the lump in my throat. Joey glanced at his car, then back at me before saying goodbye and trudging down the driveway. I closed the door slowly, my muscles filled with a tense regret. The conversation had drained me; from the massive peak to the bottom of all slumps…it was the best and worse conversation I had ever had.

I needed to lie down.

I slumped my way into my bedroom, collapsing on my bed. My lips pursed tightly as I held back the screams I wanted to let out, my arms fell to my side…my left hand connecting with a small box…Joey’s present. I held it up above me in all its glory; it wouldn’t make any difference if I opened it now would it? Everything was pretty much set in stone between us.

I ripped viciously at the wrapping paper, throwing it onto the floor. Inside there was a little brown box, pushing myself into a sitting position, I pulled off the lid to find a note and an ipod. I placed the box down and read the note.

VJ,

I’m hoping you didn’t see me buy this at the music shop, but if you did there’s at least one surprise on the back of it. I’ve thought about buying you this for a while now because I know you’ve missed out on a lot in the music world, certain people come into your life and ruin everything. So I’ve put music on it for you, you can delete it if you don’t like it, but I thought you might want to listen to some new things.

As well as being a birthday present, this is my thank you to you for being there for me and supporting me through everything. Without you I don’t think I would’ve gotten through it. So thank you for being in my life and thank you for being the amazing person you are.

Love Joey xo

My eyes welled up as I picked up the ipod and flipped it over. On the back he had engraved a willow tree and a tombstone with the words: “A new place to find yourself”.

It was too much, I let out a harrowing cry of pain as tears begun to drip down my face and onto his letter. I felt like I had ruined everything, all I wanted to do was to be with him and I let that slip through my fingers. My only chance to tell Joey exactly how I felt had just eluded me and now I was in a worse predicament than ever before. Brandon may have been sweet, but Joey knew me, Joey got me; we understood each other and shared the same pain.

I knew at that moment that I loved Joey and I wanted to be with him more than anything else in the entire world.