All I Ever Wanted

“You’ve known him for literally two months. How the fuck could you know you love him? That’s crazy, I’m sorry.”

“Just because you don’t know what it feels like to be in love doesn’t mean that I can’t. I love him, alright?”

“No you don’t. You just think you love him. It happens to girls your age all the effing time, Lex. I think you should just take a step back-”

“Shut the fuck up, Max. You don’t even know what you’re talking about! And you know what? Even your stupid boyfriend is telling me the exact same thing, so I don’t want to hear it anymore!”

The second the word ‘boyfriend’ comes out of my mouth I slap my hand over it. I think I just fucked up everything. My eyes snap to the opposite side of the room where my mother is now standing, obviously about to walk into the living room to find out why her children are screaming. And now she has a shocked look on her face. Wonder why.

“Oh, hi Mom,” Max says, eyes wide.

“Don’t ‘hi Mom’ me. A boyfriend, Max?”

She doesn’t look too pissed… But I definitely could be wrong. Actually, I probably am wrong.

“Mom I can explain.”

“I hope so… Max, are you gay?”

“What? No, she was just-”

“Alexis,” Mom says to me, walking further into the room. “Can you let me talk to Max? Tell your brothers to stay up in their rooms.”

I look at Max. He’s on the verge of tears that much I can tell. He’s looking at the floor, so I can’t catch his eye to see if he’ll be okay.

“Mom,-”

“Alexis. Now.”

“Fine.”

I turn around and go up the steps, looking back once to see that she just sat down on the couch and is motioning for him to join her. Fuck, he’s dead.

I meet Steven in the hallway and I push him back into his room.

“What the- get off me you freak!”

“Mom said you have to stay upstairs.”

“Why?”

He has his jacket on and it looks like he’s about to go out. Too bad.

“I um… sort of got Max in trouble.”

“What? How did you do that? What’d you tell her?”

I shift my weight from one foot to the other and contemplate what I should tell him. The truth would probably be best.

“I said he has a boyfriend.”

“Why would you tell her that? That’s not even true! ... Is it?”

“Yes. It is true; he’s sort of dating Luke…”

Steven has a look that goes between confused and amused, like he’s not sure which one to be.

“Huh… Well why the hell would you tell mom that?”

“I didn’t do it on purpose!”

A knock on the door frame interrupts my explanation and James, Kasey and Jake walk into Steven’s room. What is this, family time?

“Why is Mom yelling downstairs?” James asks, sitting down on Steven’s bed.

Kasey looks around the room with a disgusted look, and finally decides that standing is her safest bet. Jake sits in the computer chair.

“I’m about to go out so you guys really can’t stay in here,” Steven tells them and points to the hallway. “Can you get out? Go gather in James’ room or something.”

“You’re not leaving,” I say. “You can’t. Mom said to stay up here.”

“What’s going on downstairs? Wait, I’ll get Max.”

Jake gets up from the bed to go to Max’s room but Steven pushes him back down.

“You actually can’t do that. Max is the one Mom’s yelling at. Apparently he’s gay.”

“What? No he’s not, Steve. Don’t say things like that,” Kasey says. She always hates when my brothers pick on each other.

“I’m not the one who said it. I know, hard to believe,” he adds when Kasey rolls her eyes. “Alexis said it. And get this, it gets even better- he’s with Luke.”

Everyone is silent until Jake starts laughing.

“If any one of us were going to be gay, I would say Max,” he says, but he stops laughing when we hear something crash downstairs.

“What the fuck? She can’t be that mad, can she?”

“I think she is…”

Kasey looks at me and shakes her head; she knows how unreasonable my mom can be… Max’s only hope is my dad. He would be the reasonable one.

**
After multiple doors slam and the volume of my mom’s voice increases, me and my brothers and Kasey decide to hide up in Max’s room. This way when he comes upstairs we can be there for him. But it’s been over an hour and I think my dad has finally come home, so who knows how much longer we have to wait.

“This is ridiculous,” Steven says, throwing down the cards he was holding. We’re playing ‘Go Fish’. I’m winning. “I’m leaving this damn house. I need to go somewhere.”

“It’s a Wednesday night, where could you possibly be going?” I ask.

“It’s Christmas Break, dumbass. I’m pretty sure me and my friends can find something to do.”

“What are you talking about? You don’t have friends, Steven.”

“Okay, very funny. I’m outta here.”

He pushes Max’s window open and carefully removes the screen.

“Just go out the front door, dumbfuck,” comes a voice from the hallway, and we all turn to see who’s standing in the open doorway.

“Max! Oh my God, come here,” Kasey shouts and gets up from her seat on the floor and tugs Max into his room. She embraces him in a tight hug and he holds onto her.

When she lessens her grip on him, he steps away and looks over at me. I bite my lip and blush from the embarrassment of outing him.

“I didn’t mean to,” I tell him, my voice dripping with desperation. I just need him to forgive me.

“I know. I wasn’t exactly being nice to you.”

“Well, what happened?” Steven asks, putting the screen back in the window and then closing it. He walks over to Max and puts an arm around his shoulders.

“She wants to send me away.”

“What??” is the unanimous question and Kasey actually lets out a squeak of surprise.

“Dad said no, but she’s still sending me to a psychiatrist. As if that’s gonna turn me ‘not gay’.”

“That’s so . . .”

“Whatever. If you don’t mind, I kind of want to be alone.”

**

“Hey, Alex,” I say when he opens his front door. I decided that I couldn’t stand to even be around my family right now; it’s really awkward.

“Hey, baby. What’s up?”

He lets me inside and I take my shoes off at the door; they’re wet from all of the snow.

“Nothin. Just wanted to be with you.”

“Let’s go upstairs, then. The guys are watching a movie in the TV room. They’re being really obnoxious.”

I’m only in his room for ten seconds before his mouth is on mine and he’s pushing me back towards the bed. When I fall backwards onto it, he smiles down at me.

“Have I said that I love you today?”

“Yeah, you did,” I reply. “But it wouldn’t hurt to hear it again.”

“Well, I love you.” He lies down on top of me. “A lot.”

“I love you a lot, too.”

Before I can take another breath we’re kissing again and his hands are at the bottom of shirt, just waiting for the ‘ok’ to pull it off of me. When I nod that’s exactly what he does and I pull off his right after. I never feel awkward around him, but suddenly max’s voice keeps going off in my head. ‘I think you should just take a step back’. Fuck, he’s completely right. Yet I ignore his advice and unbutton Alex’s jeans. Of course we won’t go all the way; I’m waiting for that. That’s in my very distant future. Right now I’ll just go with all those things that come before sex- whatever they are.