All I Ever Wanted

“No, you just type in the destination, not the starting point.”

“Oh. That makes sense, then.”

“It uses satellites to know where you’re starting from.”

“Hmm. Gotcha. So I just type in New York University and it should find it?”

“It should. If it doesn’t, then you can just put the address in.”

“Okay…”

I hate GPS systems. They claim to be idiot-proof, but they’re not, okay?

“There.”

“In 1.6 miles, turn right, and then keep right,” the computer voice tells us, and Alex starts his car.

Today is Sunday. We’re visiting NYU. It’s currently 5:30 AM and it will take us approximately 4 hours to get to the college. The open house starts at 11. Hopefully we won’t get lost.

“Ok, so we have more than 4 hours to make it there, right?” Alex asks.

“Yes. We have 5 and a half.”

“And it ends at 3?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, then. And how did you get your parents to let me take you?”

“They didn’t want to take me.”

“I don’t get why they wouldn’t want to visit colleges with you. My mom would’ve loved to do that with me.”

“My mom and your mom are completely different people. And besides, she’s taking Max to his first therapy meeting today.”

“And I can’t believe she’s making him do that.”

“That’s my mother for you. But my dad doesn’t seem too keen on the idea. When Max was throwing a bitch fit last night, he was like ‘oh we’ll just see how it goes and go from there’. So I have a feeling my mom will be overruled soon.”

“Well that’s good. How are Luke and Max doing, anyway?”

“Good. I think. Luke is so comfortable with himself though and Max isn’t, so there are a few issues there, apparently. But it makes sense.”

“Yeah.”

We fall silent and that’s when I notice his hand is shaking.

“Are you okay? Why is your hand shaking?”

“Is it?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m nervous.”

“Nervous?”

“Yeah. I don’t have Jack here, or anyone who knows what to do.”

“Oh.”

I feel bad now. I shouldn’t have asked him to come with me. I should have just brought Luke, even though he went yesterday and loved it.

“You didn’t have to come.”

“I wanted to go with you. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I let one little thing keep me from going somewhere with you?”

“Yeah, but if you don’t feel right then you shouldn’t come. I don’t know what to do-”

“Well now you will. Because I can almost guarantee that it’s gonna happen.”

“That’s really comforting. I’m calling Jack to ask him what to do.”

*

“Look! Only 10 more miles!” Alex exclaims when we see a sign that says ‘NYU: 10 miles’. It’s a fantastic feeling to know you’re close to your destination after 4 hours in the car. We stopped twice and the whole trip took us exactly 4 hours so far. We have an hour and a half to kill.

“Thank God. I can’t take this car anymore.”

“Hey, I resent that. Be nice to my car. She got us here with no problems.”

“True. So what are we going to do for an hour and a half?”

“Eat. I’m so hungry.”

“We just had McDonalds an hour ago.”

“I know that. I’m hungry again. We can find a Wendy’s or s bagel place or something. I want a New York bagel. Or Pizza.”

I let him ramble about what kind of food he wants while I secretly start to panic. I know it’s his job to do that, but seriously, we’re about to go to my potential future school, worst comes to worst, and that’s really nerve-wracking. When I visited FIT, I liked it a lot. But I didn’t get the feeling that Luke described to me when he talked about seeing NYU.

“Okay, let’s park in this parking garage here.”

He pulls into a 24/7 garage and pays the man to park the car there until 5, just in case. When we walk out of the garage, we’re basically taken by surprise. Neither of us has ever been to New York City before. And now here we are, together, with an hour and a half to kill.

“You know what?” Alex asks and takes my hand as we being to walk. “I’m glad I’m seeing New York for the first time with you.”

“Same here. You’re going to have to come back with me when I have to visit FIT.”

“Alright. Sounds like a plan,” he tells me and pulls me in close to him.

We walk a few blocks and I can’t help but notice how rushed everyone looks. And everyone’s on their cell phone. I love it here already, surprisingly.

“Let’s eat here,” Alex says, pointing to a small bakery. “I am not leaving without a New York bagel.”

He orders his bagel while I only get a water bottle; I’m not hungry, and even if I were, I’d be too nervous to eat.

“Oh, my God. This is the most fantastic thing I have ever eaten. In. My. Life.”

“Oh really?” I can’t help but laugh at the overjoyed expression he has. It’s like it’s Christmas again.

“Seriously. Try this.”

He shoves the bagel in my face but I shake my head.

“You eat it. I’m not anywhere near hungry.”

“Fine. But we’re buying one to take home.”

He finishes his bagel in about 10 minutes and then buys 4 more for the ride home. When I ask him where he’s going to put them while we’re walking around, he just shrugs it off. ‘I’ll carry them, duh’, is all he says. Yeah, we’ll see when he gets tired of carrying them around.

When we walk into the main lobby of the NYU admissions center, there’s a lady already there to greet us.

“Hello, welcome to New York University, can I ask you where you two are from?” she asks and hands us both a few pieces of paper and a booklet.

“Maryland,” Alex answers while I read the cover of the book. It says ‘NYU: The Perfect Place for You to Learn’. How cheesy.

“Oh, well then you traveled a bit to be here today. Thanks for coming. I’ll be your personal guide, my name is Trisha.”

She holds out her hand to Alex who shakes it and introduces himself. Then she holds it to me.

“I’m Alexis,” I say.

“So will you both be joining us in the fall?”

“No, he’s not. I’m either coming here or FIT. I’m just waiting for FIT to accept me.”

“Oh, well I hope today’s visit will make you come here,” she says with a smile. Man, they don’t sugarcoat anything.

“Alright, well let’s get started.”

She takes us through each hallway, classroom and even each dorm building. She goes into great detail about everything – almost too much detail – and even tells me which classes I would have to take do what I want to do – room design.

The tour ends at 12:30, and she tells us that now we have to go watch a presentation in the auditorium. We’re standing outside waiting to go in. There are about 30 other people in this hallway waiting, too. I should probably take this time to get to know a few people, but I’m just too nervous.

And that’s when I notice Alex’s hands are shaking.

“Alex?”

His face is really pale and I can hear him breathing really loudly. Then he puts his face in his hands and sinks down on the wall he was leaning against.

“Fuck! Shit, where’s my phone,” I say to myself, trying not to panic. Jack told me that would be the worst thing to do. We don’t need two people panicking. I kneel down to Alex’s level and put a hand on his shoulder while I call jack at the same time; he wanted to know if something was happening and he’d walk me through it. But he doesn’t answer.

By now everyone in the hallway has noticed Alex sitting on the floor, shaking, and me next to him. But they’re not offering any help.

“Alex,” I say, trying to remember everything Jack told me earlier. “Hey, it’s okay.”

I remove my hand from his shoulder, because now I remember that Jack said not to touch him; if he wants to move, let him move.

“Alex, you need to breathe, okay? Everything’s okay, you just need to breathe.”

I try to stay calm and collected, and now there’s an older man kneeling down next to me.

“Do you need any help? Is he okay?” He asks.

“He’s having a panic attack. He’ll be okay but… I’m not really sure what to do-”

That’s when my phone rings. It’s Jack. I tell the man that I’ve got it under control and he nods and backs away.

“Jack, help me,” I say helplessly into the phone.

“Okay, where are you?”

“A hallway at NYU.”

“Ask him if he wants to go outside.”

“Okay…” I look at Alex who’s still breathing fast. “Alex, do you want to go outside?” I feel like I’m talking to a dog or something.

He nods and reaches for my hand. I pull him up so he’s standing with me, but I keep hold of his hand.

“He said yes, so I’m going to walk outside with him. Just stay on the phone with me, Jack.”

“Yeah, of course. You’re not done yet.”

He laughs a bit to lighten the situation, but I can’t relax. Not when my boyfriends basically having a heart attack in the middle of a college campus.

“Talk to him, Lex. He needs to know it’s okay.”

Alex sits down on the closest bench outside and I sit beside him. He’s not holding my hand anymore and I’m not going to risk anything by reaching for it.

“Alex, it’s okay. Everything’s fine. I’m here.”

He looks at me and his eyes are filled with a mix of worry and embarrassment. He suddenly wraps his arms around me and leans his head on my shoulder.

“What’s happening, Lex?” Jack asks.

“I think he’s okay, Jack. I’ll call you if I need you again.”

“Okay. Stay calm, and don’t worry about it.”

“Thanks. Bye, Jack.”

“Lexy?” I hear Alex ask into my shoulder.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Ruining your college open house.”

“You didn’t. At all. It’s not your fault.”

I hear his breathing return to almost normal and his cheeks have more color than they did.

“I love you. I know I’ve said that a lot today, but seriously, I’m in love with you.”

“I love you too, Alex.”