All I Ever Wanted

“I feel like we did this already. Except Jack was not with us last time.”

“We did. But this time, it’s like, final.”

I carefully open the envelope and take a good look at the FIT symbol on the front. This is my future right here, sorry to be so dramatic.

“Open it, open it!” Jack yells from his spot on my kitchen floor. He’s playing with CoCo, the dog my mom agreed to watch for the week. It belongs to some rich friend she has.

“You do it,” I say, shoving the letter into Alex’s chest. He takes it and rolls his eyes.

“You’re being a baby. But fine.” He takes the letter out of the envelope and unfolds it.

“What’s it say? Am I in?”

“Hang up, I just opened it,” he tells me. I watch as he scans the letter. He makes no emotion, so I have no clue what it says.

“Come on, tell me.”

“Well, listen, no matter what, you’re amazing, okay? This letter will not tell you otherwise.”

I rip the letter from his hands just so I can read it myself.

Rejected.

“Baby? Are you okay?”

I just nod and sit down in the closest kitchen chair. Okay, so I’ll just go to NYU. No big deal.

“Lex, listen, you-”

“It’s okay, Alex.”

“Are you sure? Because it’s okay if you’re upset.”

“I’m upset, yeah.”

I smile at Jack who makes a heart with his fingers from the floor. He pushes CoCo away when she tries to crawl into his lap.

“So um, since you can’t hang out tonight, I’m gonna take you out tomorrow. Just me and you, and then you can come back to my house. Okay?” Alex suggests and again, I just nod. I wish I could spend my whole day with Alex. It’s the first day of Easter break. But of course, it’s my dad’s birthday. We’re going out as a family. Fun times ahead.

“Okay. Well I should start getting ready.”

“Alright, we’ll leave now.”

“I am so hungry Alex. Get me some food.”

“Ok, Jack. Bye, Lex.” He kisses me on the forehead and helps Jack up from the floor.

“See you Lex. Sorry about FIT,” Jack says pulling me into a hug. I hug him back and then they both leave out the front door.

I sigh dramatically and walk up to my room so I can change.

I don’t cry while I was alone in my room, getting ready to leave. I didn’t cry when I was with my family in the car, at the restaurant, or on the way home. It was when I sat down on my bed at 8:30, knowing that I had nowhere to be, that the tears came. FIT was my number one choice, and now it’s not even an option. How the fuck could they reject me?

After what felt like an hour, but in reality was probably only 5 minutes, I hear my bedroom door open.

“Alexis, sit up, I want to talk to you.” It’s my dad.

“About what?” I ask, but my voice is muffled by my pillow.

“About FIT. You left the letter downstairs.”

“Oh.”

I sit up and wipe the tears away before he can ask any questions. He hasn’t seen me cry in a long time.

“I know it’s hard,” he says, sitting down on the bed next to me. “But you got into NYU. That is a very difficult school to get in. I didn’t get in. I got rejected. You have no idea how proud I am of you.”

“Thanks, but, I really wanted FIT, and now I don’t even know. NYU doesn’t have the classes for what I want to do so I’m going to have to pick a different major and it just…. It sucks.”

I feel his arms wrap around me and I can’t help but feel slightly comforted. I’ve always been closer to my dad than to my mom. He’s just always been more approachable. And, obviously, more caring about our interests.

“Alexis, life isn’t easy. Rejection from college happens every day, to almost everybody.”

“I know.”

“So this is just one step to becoming who you’re going to be. FIT may not be where you’re supposed to be. I know it was the school you wanted to go to,” he says. “What other schools did you get accepted to?”

“St. Johns, Courtland and Hofstra…”

“You know you still have to open Colombia and Fordham. They’re downstairs on the kitchen table.”

“I know that. I just… I don’t care. I’m gonna go to NYU with Luke. It doesn’t matter if I got into those schools.”

“Don’t be like this, Alexis. Open those letters so you know. Besides, you have to tell your guidance counselor where you got in.”

“Ugh. I’ll do it later, then.”

“Alright. Remember Alexis, it’s not the end of the world.”

I feel him get up from the bed and a few seconds later I hear my door close again. I just sit there, thinking about how much life can suck.

***
“So, it’s definitely NYU?”

“Yeah. I guess so.”

I shrug and stare at the floor. We’re at some guy’s party as his house. Apparently he’s a good friend of Alex, but we haven’t even seen him yet.

“Well, you did like the school a lot. At least, from what we saw of it…”

I can’t help but laugh at Alex’s mentioning of the open house. Yeah, towards the end it was just a little bit short of a disaster. But that’s okay.

“I can go visit again with Luke.”

“That’s true. Or you I could go again. I’m sure I’d be fine this time.”

“Do we want to risk that, Alex?”

He pulls me into him and squeezes my waist.

“Yeah, I think we could. We could spend the weekend there.”

“That sounds good.”

I look over Alex’s shoulder and see Jack waving at me. I shake my head and then hide my face in Alex’s shoulder.

“Is Jack watching us?” Alex asks.

“Yeah.”

“Okay, that’s weird. Let’s go back to my place now.”

****

“You’re so fucking gorgeous,” Alex whispers and pushes me back onto his bed. This is a familiar place for me right now, not gonna lie. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Are we really going to do this right now?”

“I… I think so?”

“You don’t sound convinced.”

“No. I want to.”

“You’re sure?”

I take a moment to think about that. I know I’m ready. It’s Alex. I love him; he’s not going to just leave me in the morning.

“Yeah. I am.”

“Okay, then.”

In an instant he’s standing up and walking across the room. He comes back with a square packet, and I know what it is. Fuck, now I’m getting nervous. But that’s natural. I think…

I sit up and he puts the condom on the bedside table and then starts unbuttoning his jeans. They’re the jeans I bought him for Christmas, I observe. And then he’s pulling my shirt off and any thought I had about Christmas is gone and now all I’m focused on is him. The way he bites lip while he concentrates on unbuttoning his shirt and how much trouble he’s having.

“Just pull it over your head, Alex,” I suggest and his fingers stop moving.

“Good idea.”

So he pulls the black and white shirt up over his head and then just looks at me. I start to feel slightly self-conscious, which has never happened around Alex before. I scoot back on the bed and he follows.

“What’s the matter?” he asks and I just shake my head.

“Nothing.”

“Don’t be nervous. I love you.”

I nod and lay back down and he starts unbuttoning my jeans. It’s not like this is new to me. I’ve done all of this before. Maybe I’m just nervous because it’s Alex. I’m about to give him a part of me that I’ve only given to one other person. And he knows how well that turned out.

He slides my jeans off and his lips connect with my own. My heart’s racing a million miles a minute as I slip his boxers off. This is like, it. If we do this, there’s no turning back.

“I can feel and hear your heart beating,” Alex says with a laugh. His fingers skillfully unhook my bra and he takes it off and throws it to somewhere on the other side of the room.

“I’m just… kind of nervous,” I admit. “I’ve only done this once.”

“It’s okay… we’ll go really slowly. You know I will never hurt you on purpose. I mean… it’s going to hurt a little bit, naturally, but you know that. Okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“Do you trust me?”

He slowly pulls down my underwear, waiting for my answer.

“Of course I trust you. I trust you more than anyone.”

“I love you. I know I’ve said that a million times tonight, but I do. And I just always want you to know that.”

“Same,” I whisper and I can feel him pressing against me. There’s no going back now. I’m his and he’s mine – completely.

*

It’s 2:30 in the morning and I’m cuddled up with Alex in his bed, and I find myself staring at the little square packet on his table, left forgotten.