It's My Pain Too

It's Saturday. I wake up and notice Gerard is behind me. I am in pain. The doctor told me last night that it is my kidneys that are spasming. Soon I will have to be hooked up to a Dialasis machine. My doctor is shocked that my vital organs are the first to go. I don't think I will make it. these might just be my last days. God I hope not. Twenty more days. It's all I need.

Gerard moves in his sleep, snuggles into me then yawns.

"G'morning baby." He whispers.

"Hey." I reply.

We sit in silence for a while. My parents have evaded me. They said they would see me at prom. I'm glad they are working things out, but I think it's only because I am sick. My doctor walks into my room a short time later.

"Hi Frank, how are you feeling today?" She asks.

"I'm not in too much pain." I answer truthfully.

"That's good. I am going to give you a scan today and see how your Kidneys are working, then we'll make some decisions from there." She informs me.

"Okay then." I just go along with her now.

"Can I take you down now?" She asks, signing some forms.

"Yer." I reply.

She nods and leaves only to return moments later with a wheelchair. Gerard lifts me down and into the chair and my doctor lets him push me while she leads the way. We get to a large room on the same floor and we stop outside the door.

"Ok Gerard. You can help frank onto the bed but then you have to wait outside, okay?" She states.

"Yer." He nods.

Gerard wheels me into the theatre and helps me onto the bed, kisses my forehead and leaves. The doctor closes the door behind him.

Dr Mille walks over to me and instructs me to tuck my hands under my ass and stay still. I comply with her instructions and she walks into the little booth. Suddenly the bed gives a small jolt and moves into this big round machine. It makes a loud noise and as soon as it starts it's all over and Gerard is helping me back into my wheelchair. We all walk out together.

"I should have these results back in about 30 minutes. Page me if you need me, okay?" She states once we al reach my room.

It suddenly occurs to me that my doctor states too much information. I think she is actually trying to block her emotions towards me. I wouldn't blame her.
I take notice of the empty room when we enter. Nancy must be in the dayroom drawing or painting. She likes to paint and draw, much like Gerard.

Gerard and I sit around and wait for a while, Nancy returns about five minutes later and we have a small conversation. She was in the dayroom painting.
Gerard sits in the large chair and has his knees pulled up and his sketch book on top, he's drawing.

"Gee, what are you drawing?" I ask.

"I'm finishing the picture of you." He replies.

"Okay. Well I'm going to have a nap, wake me when the doctor gets back." I say.

"Okay." He replies.

I roll over and close my eyes.

The next thing I know is Gerard is waking me and shaking my shoulder lightly.

"Baby, your doctor is here." He coos. I give a grunt in reply.

I adjust my bed so I am sitting up and my doctor is at the foot of my bed.

"Frank, I have some bad news." She starts. I simply look at her.

"One of your kidney's has stopped working and your chemo is attacking the dead tissue. There isn't alot we can do." She finishes.

For once I am completely speechless, totally immobile, shocked beyond belief.

"Well, what can you do?" I hear Gerard ask.

"Constant Dialasis. It helps regulate the function of his other living kidney." She replies.

"Can we start it then?" Gerard asks once again.

"Only Frank can make that decision, I'm sorry." She is looking at me, Gerard is looking at me.

"W-will it reduce my time if I don't want to do that?" I ask. I'm not sure if I really want to know the answer now.

"No." She states softly.

"I don't want the treatment. At least not yet." I state. They both look at me mortified.

"Okay then. But Frank, you can change your mind at any time, okay. It's okay to change your mind." Dr Mille, gathers her composure once again.

I nod in response to her and she leaves.

"Frank..." Gerard starts

"I want to go to sleep." I cut him off.

I roll over and close my eyes. I think I just broke him a little bit, but I just need time to think. Sleeping helps me to think it through. I let a tear slip then a sob. Suddenly Gerard is behind me, holding me, telling me it's all okay and he respects my decisions.

It's getting too hard...