I Thank Whatever Possessed Me To Do It

I don’t know what possessed me to do it, everything just felt so wrong and it just seemed like it was the only solution.

It wasn’t my break up with Gena, I was over her long before we broke up. It wasn’t my friends, no they were great. It wasn’t the band, we were doing exceptionally well and my clothing line was doing fantastic, so I couldn’t blame the business either.

I was just in a dark place I guess.

When I had gone home to Icky, I had walked into a dark house- an empty house. This wasn’t anything new, but the feeling that grew inside my gut was. I remember I had sat down on my couch, just staring at a blank plasma screen TV for what seemed like a mere couple of seconds but was actually more than a few hours and then I had just made up my mind. I had an epiphany and that was final.

I was going to die.

I remember going into the hallway and searching for my ibuprofen. Eight hundred milligrams in each pill; the prescription bottle wasn’t full, but there was certainly enough in it to get the job done. I remember I had started dry swallowing handfuls before I had even managed to get to the Jack Daniels that I had in the pantry. I remember taking all of the pills before I started chugging the large bottle. I was three fourths through with the bottle before my stomach started to hurt. I put the bottle down and grabbed a new one and started on that one.

I had begun to feel ill to my stomach as well as exceptionally dizzy and unfocused- I ended slumping against the cabinets under my sink. My vision was swimming as well as spinning and I couldn’t help but be damn proud of my accomplishment. I remember thinking, ‘Finally! I did something right!’

The thought brought tears of joy to my eyes and I started crying. I could taste my bitter tears as they ran down my cheeks and onto my lips eventually ending in my mouth. I think the last time I was this proud was when I nailed my first guitar solo when I was a preteen. Nothing could beat this feeling- this high.

I remember my name being called and it sounded so distant. I remember I was so far gone that I didn’t even recognize the voices of my friends as they yelled in my face. But most of all, I remember thinking ‘Why aren’t they happy for me?’ That was my last thought before I died.

Or at least when I thought I died.

Now sitting here in white pants and a white cotton shirt I don’t know what I was thinking. I look around this drab institution and think ‘How the fuck did I land myself in here?’ There were people here with all sorts of problems: schizophrenia, depression, eating disorders, suicide attempts- and now I was one of them.

When talking to the doctors, I had explained to them that I was fine. There was nothing wrong in my life, I wasn’t depressed and I wasn’t unhappy. But they always managed to get me with that one single damn question.

“Why did you do it?”

“I don’t know,” I would always respond. “I have no answer. It just happened.”

This was the ending of the conversation I had with Dr. Humz every Thursday at two o’clock.

“Zack,” I looked to my left to see Jessica, another patient in this bleak prison.

“Hey,” she always brought a smile to my face. She was the best damn thing in here, “What’s going on?”

“Just bored,” she smiled and sat next to me on the coach; I gently slung my arm around her shoulders, giving her a gentle sideways hug.

“Checkers with Tweaks not doin’ it for ya today?” Tweaks was a patient who was institutionalized for mild insanity caused by all the drugs he’d taken; poor kid was only nineteen.

“He’s a bit under the weather today,” she rested her head on my shoulder.

Jessica, like me, was not insane. She had been admitted for her chronic night terrors and occasional flashbacks that induced sever anxiety and panic attacks- but she’s been improving.

“How’s sleep been?” I asked toying with a piece of her dirty blonde hair with my calloused fingers. It was so silky and soft.

“Better,” that was another thing she had on her list, insomnia. Sometimes her night terrors would get so bad she refused to sleep. That’s when they brought her to me- they usually waited a few days and if she hadn’t gotten to sleep by herself she was sent to room with me, supervised on camera of course.

“You look like you’ve lost weight, eat more,” I had been here nearly nine months and I knew this girl like the back of my hand. If the night terrors and flashbacks were frequent enough, she would stop eating. She would be so afraid that she would usually throw it back up.

“It just comes back up,” she mumbled, looking away in shame.

“Jessica,” I tried to get her to face me. “Jessica please look at me,” I pleaded. When she did she had thin wet lines down her pale cheeks and she was chewing on her lip nervously.

“Please don’t be mad at me,” I took my arm from around her shoulders and brought my hand up to her face, cupping her jaw and wiping away the tears with my large thumbs.

“Shh, I’m not mad,” I smiled sadly at her, “I just want you to get better.”

I finished by kissing her forehead, something I am proud to say that only I can do. Jessica doesn’t do well with men- most men anyway. I know it has something to do with her terrors, but the effect of them causes her to be weary of most people.

She’ll never get over it if she doesn’t get out of here.

“Do you want to try to take a nap?”

“No, Zacky I-“

“Come on,” I laced our hands and dragged her to my room, I laid down and pulled her into my side. “Just relax okay?”

I felt her nod into my chest. Her arm was around my waist with our fingers still laced as I ghosted my fingertips over her back with my other hand. I hummed Smother Me by The Used gently. Cool group of guys, bit of an alcohol problem though.

I could feel her chest move against mine evenly signaling she was asleep. We did this more than a few times a week if she wasn’t sleeping well at night, and I was more than happy to help.

“Zachary,” on of the friendlier nurses called gently into my room. “you have some visitors.”

“Who?” I asked gently, I didn’t want to wake the girl in my arms.

“Your friends,” the guys.

“Send them in, just tell them to be quiet. Please and thank you,” I find you get away with so much more if you sweet-talk them.

Jessica had already met my friends, at least the ones in the band, and although she had been more than obviously nervous, I had assured her that they would do her no harm. She was nervous, but they came around often enough that she was comfortable being around them- still on guard, but more relaxed. They liked her as well and that made me really happy; even more so when I knew they weren’t judging her based on current residence.

My friends were the best friends a person could ask for hands down.

“Hey Z,” Matt smiled as he walked through the door, leading the others inside. There was barely enough room for everybody.

“Hey guys,” I smiled back at my friends.

“How are you?” Johnny asked, I could see he and the guys glance at the girl in my arms every once in a while and a smile would briefly flash across their faces.

“Good,” I shrugged lightly. I knew what the smiles were for, and I couldn’t agree more.

Jessica kept me sane while I was in here, and they new that. I would have gone off the deep end if she hadn’t started talking to me when I first got here. She was a favorite among the patients and nurses alike. She was kind to everyone, and did her best to help everyone out; it came so naturally to her. I couldn’t help but love those qualities.

Gena had been nice, mostly civil. She was high maintenance and overbearing though. On top of being clingy and somewhat selfish- all negative characteristics that Jessica did not possess.

“We brought you some stuff,” Jimmy held up a cardboard box and I could see things sticking out of the top. “We figure we’d help you pimp your room Avenged Sevenfold style.”

I rolled my eyes but smiled nonetheless, they always did this when they visited. My storage space was full of this crap: a string of lights- each one in the shape of a death bat, a black pillow case with the death bat smack dab in the center of it, things like that. I could only imagine what they brought me this time.

“Lets see it,” amusement evident in my voice, Matt smiled as Brian walked over to Jimmy and started pulling stuff out.

There was a large box of home made sugar cookies- in the shape of death bats of course, a lava lamp which had a black base and a white death bat, lava being green and the liquid being an iridescent purple and lastly, a black quilt that had a huge death bat on one side while Zacky Vengeance took up the other side, it had been embroidered. I laughed, it was my signature and everything.

“Now you and I don’t have to fight over the blankets next time we go on tour,” Jimmy smiled at me. Its true, our blankets would some how end up getting mixed up by the end of tour and tug of wars and the like ensued over it.

“You guys rock,” I meant every word of that statement.

“She’s still getting the terrors?” Matt asked sympathetically looking down at the girl in my arms.

“Yeah, but not nearly as much,” I looked down at Jessica, removing my hand from hers and bringing it to lie across my stomach and holding her upper arm. “She’s improving.”

“I bet she is,” Jimmy wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and Johnny elbowed him in the stomach. “Sorry.”

The boys knew not to make cracks like that. It was the part of the reason she was in here and had trouble dealing with people- men. She was gang raped. She had been walking home from work when she was abducted; she had been held captive, tortured and sexually abused for three days until the police showed up after a neighbor called about hearing strange and disturbing noises coming from the basement of her captor’s house. All seven men were arrested, put on trial and sent to jail.

“Any news on when you get out?” Matt asked, we had just released our latest CD when I pulled that dumb fuck stunt.

I sighed and shook my head no. I wanted so badly to get out of here and tour- that’s the kind of therapy I need.

“I have a feeling you’ll be getting out soon,” Jessica startled me by speaking.

“And how do you know that? You psychic?” Jimmy asked with a light smile as she turned and waved at the guys.

“Just a little bit. How are you boys?” She was met with smiles and variations of the term good.

“Do you want a cookie?” Jimmy asked taking out the box and all but shoving the cookie into her mouth.

“Sure,” she laughed and took a bite telling him that it was good. She didn’t tell me, but the cookie came back up later that night.

Three days later I was waiting for my ride to come pick me up. The hospital had to release me on the basis that they couldn’t find anything wrong with me. And god damn was I glad to be out of here.

“Told you you’d be getting out soon,” I turned and looked over my shoulder at Jessica. She looked like she was dead-beat tired, but was smiling none the less.

“Guess you are psychic,” I smiled, turning to face her, she giggled.

“Just a little,” she was eyeing my appearance. I had put my piercings back in and was dressed in faded black ripped jeans, a shirt from my clothing line and a baseball cap. “Yep, looks like you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked with a smile.

“This is how I would have pictured you out in the real world. Wasn’t expecting the bull ring though,” she gave me a smile and poked my nose.

Jessica had no idea what Avenged Sevenfold was until I told her about it. She claimed she was a classic rock person but remembers hearing something about us.

“I left you a gift,” I told her. I had put the blanket the guys had given me a few days ago on her bed. After they had gone, I showed her all the shit they brought me, and she instantly fell in love with the quilt.

“You didn’t have to,” she tried to hide her blush by looking down, but I caught it anyway; it made my small smile grow.

“Zachary,” I looked behind me to see an elderly nurse calling me. “You’re out.”

“So this is it,” she didn’t look at me, I could see the sad smile on her face.

“No its not,” I told her grabbing her chin gently. “I’ll come visit.”

“No you wont,” she looked me in the eyes and I felt the guilt because I knew she was right. “You have to go tour and play for thousands of screaming teeny boppers. You wont have the time, but I appreciate the thought.”

“You’re so wrong,” I kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you later.”

“Bye Zacky,” her steely grey eyes met mine. I could feel her eyes on me as I left the room. I felt guilty because I suddenly felt like that was her final goodbye.

“Zacky!” My mom hugged me and kissed my cheek.

“Mom,” I hugged her tightly before walking out of the institution. As we were in the car and began to drive off, I took one last fleeting glance at dim brick walls that made the outside of the building- I felt like I was forgetting something.

Jessica was right when she told me I that I’d be too busy to visit, but I did make an effort to keep in contact with her. During my first few weeks of down time I wrote to her constantly, getting a reply every time. As my vacation drew to a close and the band started planning the tour, my letter’s became less frequent- I only wrote her every other week.

When tour came around I wrote Jessica telling her how much better I was doing and that like I had said, this was the exact kind of therapy I needed. Her response came, and I read it, I just never wrote back. I didn’t contact her the entire time I was on my six and a half month tour. I couldn’t, not after reading her letters and thinking about them I felt so guilty- I was out here living my dream while she cooped up at that depressing institution in San Diego. Not that she ever told me how miserable she was there, her letters always seemed happy and brought a smile to my face. But it was the idea that I was out here and she wasn’t with me.

Towards the end of the tour it was beginning to show just how unhappy I was and I could tell the guys were worried about me, they all thought I was going to try and off myself again. I had stopped partying with them after shows, opting rather to go to my room or bunk and sleep instead. Although you couldn’t tell, my music was suffering as well; I never messed up but there was no heart in it anymore. And that was what had my friends worried the most.

It was a month after the tour ended before anyone did anything about it.

“Go see her dude, it’s just a couple hours drive,” Jimmy said after the lack of conversation had gotten to him. The guys were at my house, I don’t think they wanted to leave me alone.

“See who Jim?” I asked, taking a sip of my beer knowing exactly whom he was talking about.

“Jessica man. Don’t front,” Brian furrowed his eyebrows at me. “Please, we know it would make you feel better if you just went and saw her.”

“But-“

“Dude, I already made us an appointment for two o’clock,” I looked to see it was only eleven thirty right now. “So we should grab something to eat and book it.”

I don’t know why but I had a sinking feeling in my gut the entire drive down there. I guess it was guilt, or shame- most likely both.

“We’re here to see Jessica Barron,” Matt told the familiar nurse behind the desk. She typed some things into the computer before looking up at us. When she caught sight of me she smiled.

“Well, Mr. Baker you seem to be doing well,” she told me, I gave her a crooked smile and rubbed the back of my neck.

"Told you the only therapy I needed was the musical kind,” she nodded briefly before picking up the phone and calling in some one to come and escort us to her.

We were all silent as we waited for the attendant to come and get us. I kept fidgeting, I was so nervous I couldn’t keep still. Johnny even grabbed my wrist in exasperation and told me to calm down.

When the nurse showed up, I almost ran back to where her room had been last I was here, and I would’ve if not for the restraining hand that Matt kept on my shoulder the entire journey to her.

“I thought her room was in the west wing,” I pointed out to the nurse.

“She’s in the east wing now,” the nurse smiled sadly at me, my heart dropped. East wing is where they kept the patients that were in critical condition.

What the hell would land her there?

“Here we are,” The nurse said slowing down in front of a closed door, “Room one oh nine: Jessica Barron.”

We all thanked the nurse as she smiled and went back to the nurse’s station we passed not to long ago.

“Go in dude,” Brian nudged me, my hand lingered over the handle as I chewed on my lip in anticipation. I swallowed hard and forced the handle down, only pausing briefly before pushing the door open and walking in; the guys followed behind.

What I saw made my heart stop and my throat seem to swell shut. I wanted to cry. There lie my dear Jessica, asleep on a hospital bed. I started from her feet and followed the outline of her legs to her pelvis, up to her stomach and was sidetracked by her right arm. The arm was strapped down and secured with all sorts of IVs connected to it, I swallowed hard as I heard Jimmy gasp. I followed the too thin arm up to her visibly boney shoulder and stopped and her protruding collar bone. I was working up the nerve to look at her face.

When I did, the sight I saw brought tears to my eyes. Jessica’s face was hollow looking and it made her cheekbones unnaturally defined. She looked like she had two black eyes and the sockets were sunken in.

“Oh god,” I barely managed out. I went over to her and reached for her hand with apparent hesitation.

If I touch her, will she break?

I gently placed my hand in hers, carefully lacing our finger before drawing back and going to the cabinet. She was so cold, I needed to find her a blanket. As soon as I opened the cabinet door I knew exactly which blanket to use. Grabbing the gift I left her so many months ago I unfolded it and gently laid it over her- death bat up. After carefully smoothing out all the wrinkles I returned back to her side and replaced my hand in hers, lacing our fingers just like always.

I looked at her as she slept and couldn’t feel any worse. This was my fault. I’m the reason she’s in this state. I’m the one to blame. I didn’t bother wiping the tear that feel, or the one after that. My heart ached and I knew it was because I left her to deal with her problems alone; and that wasn’t fair. She kept me sane during my stay here and this is how I repay her? I shouldn’t be here, I’m not worth it.

I pulled a chair to myself with my foot and sat down, just now noticing that the guys were no longer in the room. I stared at her for a while and was almost lulled to sleep by the steady heartbeat the monitor displayed by its noise. I say almost because her heart rate began to speed up and I felt her hand tense in mine. I squeezed her hand back as much as I dared and stood up leaning over her when I saw the tears begin to make their way down her cheeks.

“Shh, Jessica,” I called wiping away the tears with my free hand and moving her hair out of her face. “Jessica wake up, I’m here. They can’t hurt you, I’m here.”

Her breathing became shallow as her heart rate stayed inconsistently fast and I couldn’t do anything about it. So I did the only thing I could think of, I hummed. I don’t think words would help right now.

I hummed Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park. I knew it was one of the more modern bands she listened to before she came here, and I knew that that particular song was a favorite of hers.

How appropriate.

She had calmed down enough to where I knew I could talk to her and not freak her out.

“Jessica,” I said quietly, standing over her. “Come on Jess wake up.”

“Zacky?” She looked so disoriented, her voice sounded so weak. “What are you doing here?”

“To see you duh,” I smiled at her, I was so happy she was talking to me, “What else would I be doing?”

“I don’t know,” she bit her lip and looked away.

“Hey,” I cooed as I cupped her face and made her look at me. “I thought you’d be happy to see me. I sure as hell am ecstatic to see you.”

“Why?” Her steely grey eyes connected with mine as they began to pool with moisture.

“What do you mean why?” I asked confused.

“You stopped writing, I thought-“ the tears began to make their way down her face at a fast pace. I quickly freed my other hand and used my thumbs to wipe her tears away.

“You thought what? That I didn’t want to talk to you anymore? That I didn’t care anymore?” My eyes started to get wet and I blinked back tears. “I thought about you every damn day Jess. I missed you so much.”

I don’t think I’ve been this emotional over any one person- and we haven’t even had sex.

“I missed you too Zacky,” she placed her frail hand over mine. “Just don’t go so long with out talking to me okay?”

“No,” she looked a little hurt. “You’re going to get better quickly so you can get out of here. Then you’ll be begging me to go away. Do you hear me?”

“Yeah Zacky,” I gave a stern nod before kissing her forehead, my lips lingering just a little longer than necessary. “I hear you.”

Three months later Jessica Barron was healthy enough to be released from the institution; I made her move in with me so I could take care of her. Four months after the release I asked her out on a date, only to ask her to be my girlfriend not long after that.

One major fight and a few media incidents later she became my fiancé, then eventually my wife. On the wedding night she was comfortable enough to let me show her just how much I loved her. It was the best night of my life- right after the births of our son Ryan and a few years later our daughter Rachael that is.

I don't know what possessed me to do what I did so long ago, but I thank it every single damn day.