Leave The Past In The Past

I checked myself in the mirror and frowned; was it obvious that I’d not slept last night? Was it obvious I’d spent all night thinking about my past life and crying?No. Yes. It was very obvious.

I normally had dark bruise like shadows under my eyes, but today it was much worse. My eyes weren’t red, but they weren’t normal coloured, they were slightly pink. My skin was paler than normal, and my face looked gaunt.

I looked like a zombie. But this wasn’t anything new, it happened each and every time I spent too long thinking about my past.

I just… I don’t know. I can’t understand it! I’ve tried to get my head around it, but I can’t. I can’t explain why I cry when I think about them. I can’t explain why it feels like my heart is being ripped out when I think of him, and I can’t explain why it feels like I’m in a dream world, like everything is unreal without them.

I suppose it’s just got to do with me never having ‘closure’ – I never got the chance to say goodbye. But I just have to move on, it’s the only thing I can do in a situation like this.

I glanced down at my watch and smiled, Loraine would be here soon to pick me up for work – I couldn’t afford my own car…
Loraine was nice. She and I weren’t close, but she was kind to me, and when she offered to take me to and from work, I couldn’t turn her down.

***

I sat at my checkout and sighed as I took away the ‘closed’ sign. Within seconds a line of people had formed and as my sight drifted around the store I realised it was going to be a long day. But hay! At least that meant I’d have something to take my mind off of things.

Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.

I smiled at the lady who was stood in front of me. She was one of those women that just radiated kindness. Sure, she looked slightly frazzled, and the children around her legs didn’t want to cooperate with her, but she still managed to give me a worn out smile.

“That’s twenty three pounds fifty.” I said and she nodded and handed me the money, “Thank you for shopping with Tesco’s, have a nice day.”

Next was one of those women that look gorgeous and knew it. Her skin was orange, her expression as though she’d been sucking lemon’s for the most part of her life, her nose and boobs were fake, and her nails were long and tacky.
She was looking around the store with her nose in the air as though she was better than everyone in here. Sure, she probably had more money in her damn handbag than I made in a year, but that didn’t make her a better person! In fact from what I’ve learnt over the years that I used to be rich, having money made you worse.

I sighed deeply and stopped staring at the lady. Her Gucci sunglasses and Louis Vuitton purse were making me jealous. She was rich, and she wanted everyone to know it. I was even pretty sure that her damn hair cost more than everything I owned!

Beep.
Beep.
Beep.

I scanned her three items – a magazine, celery and an apple – and told her simply, “£5.”

As I looked the celery and apple over, I knew that that was all she’d be eating today, and she’d probably leave the apple half eaten. I’ve seen first hand what the pressures of looking good are, and in her books, anorexic is good and ‘normal size’ is fat.

The lady handed me a twenty, and I handed her the change along with a pitying smile. I felt sorry for her, I truly did.
I don’t need designer clothes to be happy. I don’t need money to be happy. I just need myself,and Carlton, Derek, Hannah, Riley and Mia.