Much Better

2 months ago.

My best friend, Sophie – soon to be mum and the wife of the infamous Kevin Jonas had chosen me to go to all the antenatal classes that were usually attended by the husband or the boyfriend. Since Kevin was so busy with his life as a rock star and she had no one else, I had to agree with the proposal and suck it up like an idiot.

Allow me to confess that I was able to skip some of the classes with my monotonous work as an ideal excuse – I never before had attended the night shift. Ever. Those that I did attend I found them extremely agonizing as hell. Literally. I mean, it felt weird to lay my head on Sophie’s big bump and trying to feel the person inside of her. We never ever had body contact before except for the times we’re totally drunk and we do some lesbian dance together. That doesn’t count we were drunk but now we’re completely sober and disgusted.

“Inhale and exhale. You should definitely hear the wonderful life inside” the course leader said. The only thing I could here was the boiling blood rushing to my cheeks.

You know what, I’m over it. At least I think I am. What’s so ‘naturally wonderful’ on touching a pregnant woman’s belly, I’d rather put my head into a lion’s mouth than this. I was coping with the breathing lessons but the worst part was when I had to leave with all the men. While the mums -to- be where left somewhere, the ‘partners’ were taken into a room to see a video. Horror. Horror. Horror. These were the only words echoing inside my head, not wanting to know what that creepy video contained.

The video title flickered ‘The Miracle of life’, the video began by showing an overview of the kind of equipment they’ll be using. Monitors, oxygen, gas, needles – I think I was going to faint sooner or later. I could almost swear I saw a needle bigger then my palm. Not kidding here.

Nicole, who was the woman in the video shuffled in the room and placed herself onto the bed. There was some talk about shaving and stuff and I tried so hard to block it from entering my ear. He continued to talk and I continued trying not to listen but it was hopeless. “… and this is what is called crowning” the voiceover said as the camera showed the babies head. Crowning? More like drowning. I could hear Push and breathe from the persons in the video. I traveled my hand to my breastbone feeling sorry for the girl. I’m actually thinking about adopting a child right now.

There was a lot of screaming and breathing heavily now. I crossed my legs, I was actually feeling her pain. The video had finally ended. I turned my head and saw all the men with white faces and I let out a chuckle, they looked like they just saw a ghost. And they say men are stronger … who are you fooling?

I didn’t even let the course leader say anything because I rushed out from torture room as soon as the video ended. I’m feeling like I can pass threw anything right now, I’m sure it won’t be worse than the video. I finally got a glimpse of Sophie and waved to her as I made my way near the vending machine.

“How was the video?” she said smiling, shoving the snickers she just bought into her mouth. It’s not a proper time for smiling and eating, I had just been traumatized … the most horrified experience of my life.

Build a bridge and get over it Lacey. I’m good … not.

“Not bad, I’m just never going to have sex again” I said seriously as she let out a giggle.

“Oh shut up, you won’t resist a month without doing it” she boomed and continued to make her way outside. “Would you pass by my house, Kevin’s just arrived” she squealed and I nodded. My care bear was back from touring again.

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We arrived at their apartment and Kevin appeared from the door. After being suffocated by Sophie’s hug, I made my way to give him a hug too. “How’s Kevo doing?” I asked as I gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

“I’m fine Lacey bud” he said sitting lazily on the couch.

“Kevin come upstairs to see what I just bought for the baby” Sophie exclaimed from upstairs.

“Ugh, she’s killing me with the baby thing. Save me” he begged as I clapped my hand on my mouth trying not to burst into laughter. He was right, she was killing US all with the baby thing. She literally bought a whole arsenal of baby stuff, even though she doesn’t even know the baby’s sex. “Coming sweet heart”.

“It will end soon Kevo.” I said with a laugh.

Waiting for the last month of Sophie’s pregnancy was like being on a roller coaster. It had the good and the bad. I mean, I was happy for her to have a child and end this whole antenatal classes but I seriously needed a boyfriend or a new best friend. They would have a family and I can’t just show up every time they were onto something. I just can’t.