Shadows

I’m home for Christmas.
I’m home for Christmas and I’m certain I’ll run into Alex at some point.

I’m dreading it.
I’m dreading it because I don’t know how to act around him now.

I’m almost settled into my bed for the night when my phone buzzes against my nightstand.
I’m almost settled into my bed for the night when I get a text message from Alex.

I was sort of waiting for this.
I was sort of waiting for this because I knew it would happen sooner than later.

It is Alex we’re talking about after all.

‘Meet me at the park?’

He’s crazy, it’s midnight.
He’s crazy, it’s cold out.
He’s crazy, I don’t really want to see him.

My phone buzzes in my palm, another text message from Alex.

‘Please.’

I’m crazy, it’s midnight.
I’m crazy, it’s cold out.
I’m crazy, I don’t really want to see him.

‘Fine.’ I reply. I roll out of my bed and begin looking for warm clothes.

&&

I finally reach the park, I can see him sitting on a bench.
I finally reach the park, I can see him sitting on a bench under the glow of the streetlights.

I keep walking until I’m standing in front of him.
I keep walking until he finally looks up from his feet.

Alex jumps to his feet, brushing imaginary dirt of his jeans…the ones with the ripped knee. His lip was swelled up just a little bit and he had a fading black eye.

“So…”

I nod my head in response.

“How’s school?”

I shrug in response, and nod to ask him the same.

“Oh…uh. It’s alright.”

Now we’re standing here, neither of us looking directly at the other.
Neither of us knowing what to do now.

I’m not sure how exactly it was initiated.
I’m not sure exactly how long it lasted.

I do know that for at least a minute Alex and I were kissing, for a minute at least.

“Don’t.” Alex whines when I pull away from him.

Alex takes a step toward me, I take a step back.

“Come on, don’t do this.” Alex pleads softly, his arms outstretched toward me.

“No! I will do this. Do you think I forgot about everything you did before you left?”

Alex stands there.
Alex stands there, his eyes opened wide.
Alex stands there, his eyes opened wide and his mouth hanging slightly open.

I can’t tell if my speech stunned him.
Or if he’s amazed I that I called him out.

“Because I didn’t.” I say crossing my arms.

“N-no! No, I know you didn’t. I’m so sorry, I was really drunk…I-I didn’t mean anything I did or said that night!” he’s speaking only slightly louder than a whisper.

“Goddammit, Alex!” I yell, losing all tolerance I have of him. “Can’t you just take responsibility for your actions? You weren’t too drunk to climb up the side of my house, across the roof, and into my window…but you were drunk enough to do everything else you did and not mean it?” I pause for effect. “Just be honest with me, Alex.”

Alex doesn’t say anything.
Alex doesn’t say anything, just looks at the hole his foot is making in the gravel.

“Fuck it. I don’t even know why I came here. “ I turn on my heel and begin the walk back to my house.

“I don’t even know why I wanted see you, you turned a bitch.”

I stop.
I stop and turn back to him.

“Go ahead, run away from me like you run away from everything. That’s your problem, you’re a coward. A stubborn coward.” I point at him as I shout angrily at him from the other side of the park.

Alex is silent.
Alex is silent and staring at the ground again.

I begin to walk again but Alex shouts after me again.

“At least let me give you a ride home…it’s dark and it’s cold.”

“I’m fine, thanks.” I snap and keep walking.

“Carson just let me give you a fucking ride home!” Alex’s voice booms through the park. “Please.” He adds, his voice quiet but clearly shaking.

I stop, and look at him standing under the light still.

His hair is brilliant.
His skin is glowing.
His eyes are sparkling.

“Alex, really. I’ll be fine walking.” I sigh and start walking only to have him stop me again.

“You’re right. I’m a coward. I’m a stubborn fucking coward! And that’s why I did it, that’s why I said all of that shit to you, because I’m a fucking coward. I relied on you so much, I needed you so much that it terrified me. You’re the first person who cared if I came home at night, you’re the first person looked after me if I drank too much, you’re the only person who ever cleaned me up and made sure I was okay after my mom’s boyfriend beat the shit out me! For the first time in my life I was growing dependent on someone, I needed someone…I need you. And for long time I thought you needed me as much as I need you…but you didn’t, you don’t. I just wanted you to need me and as soon as I realized that you didn’t, I ran away like I always do because I’m a fucking coward! I just fucking pushed you way because you don’t feel the same.” Alex pauses to take a deep breath. “Are you happy now, Carson? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Alex…” I trail off not really knowing what to say.

“I knew this would happen.” He mumbles and starts to walk away. “Forget I ever said anything.”

“Alex!”

He keeps walking.
He keeps walking but I know he can hear me.

That’s when I start to run.
That’s when I run across the park to catch up with him.

“Alex!” I yell one more time before he finally stops.

“What? What now?” He asks looking at me, his eyes teary.

I grab the him by the collar of his coat and yank him into me.
His eyes go wide but before he can say anything I press my lips into his.

Alex relaxes into the kiss and wraps his arms around my waist.

This time when I pull away, Alex keeps his arms around me.
This time when I pull away, Alex pulls me as close as he can.
This time when I pull way, Alex kisses the top of my head and then rests his head on mine.

Now we’re standing here, in the parking lot of the park, in the freezing cold dark of night.

“You were amazing in Swan Lake.” Alex whispers into my hair. “I couldn’t keep my eyes off you.”

I smile.
I smile against his chest.

“I love you.” Alex says quietly, almost like he was afraid to say it.

“I love you too.”

“My God, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that.” Alex says smiling that real Alex smile.

This is the real Alex.
This is the real Alex, the one who isn’t hiding anymore.

And I’m the real Carson.
I’m the real Carson, the one who isn’t afraid anymore.

We’re the real Alex and the real Carson.
We’re Alex and Carson.

We’re destined for each other.