Find Some Peace

My body felt so weird. Nocturnal yet jaded, jittery and aware, my thoughts were completely clear and suddenly simple for the first time in what felt like ages. It was perfectly visible to me, the facts of my life and what was happening. I hadn’t realized it before.

Sidney was right.

The guilt, hunger, pain, all of it was eating me alive from the inside out.

Even Matthew himself had said it; “Let go.”

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I had slipped out the garage as soon as he fell asleep. Mind you, it was the very early morning, maybe around four thirty or five. A haze of morning fog saturated the city at that hour, dawning a new day in the concrete jungle that I called home. The first breezes of the day had finally begun weighing in against me on the short walk from the private parking lot to my office.

A curious thing happened when I unlocked the door to my place of solitude, of distraction. The entire place was in order as usual with not a hair out of place. My desk was baron in exception to my computer and a single sheet of written-on printer paper. Discarding my thick coat, sunglasses, and purse on a chair, I took my seat and began looking for work.

Obviously there was no paper work to be done up front. If there were to be anything, it would be sitting either alone or in a small stack at the top left corner of my desk. Swiveling the mouse a few times, I logged into the system and checked my email for any news or updates on the status of the company.

Nothing.

And of course no one would be in for the next two hours.

I quickly scribbled down a small note to Cheryl letting her know I was in and began surfing the internet. It started out as a simple, innocent, curious little search. “Sidney Crosby”. It ended with my eyes practically tearing up with laughter at some of the ridiculous facial expressions he was capable of making.

“What the hell is with that ridiculous hat?!” I tossed my head back, cracking up in a fit of laughter at the Youtube video.

Who knew the same guy who made me feel like an incompetent lie of a human being could also amuse me so much just by being himself for an interview?

Naturally, I searched his name on the first search engine I thought of and, when I clicked images, what I got just sent me into another giggle fit. “Cindy? Cry-baby?” I snorted, reading some of the hilarious signs from who were obviously Philadelphia fans. Page two came all too fast.

An image that popped up caught my eyes. It had rather large text on it reading “The Crosby Show”. It immediately clicked in my mind to have to be another hilarious, outrageous insult. Yeah… Not so much. What I got was a massive image loading strands at a time. At first, all I could make out was masses of color on the bottom of the screen. Then black padded pants I assumed he wore for the sport and then skin.

Lots and lots of skin.

The second his face loaded, I feel out of my chair.

Cheryl came flying in to find me on the floor, beyond red in the face. “Are you alright, Ms. Seraphyn? Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine, Cheryl, yeesh, woman. I just had a litter –er- spill. My bad,” I spoke all the while straightening myself out. Thankfully the screen saver came on just as she approached me on my side of the monitor.

“Is there anything I can get you, then?”

“Something to do would be nice.”

“You do realize you’re completely out of work, right? I mean I can try scheduling something, but…”

“Do it.”

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Nothing.

Absolutely, positively nothing.

My boss even straight-up told me that I should just go home, that I needed a vacation.

“What am I supposed to do, Ralph?” I knew it was horribly crude of me to call the president of this entire bitch by his first name, but at the moment I really couldn’t care less. No work means no distractions. No work means too much time to think. “I need to wor-“

“No, you need time off. In the last two weeks you’ve taken all of your meetings due for the next month and you’ve either pre approved or revoked every single proposition we and anyone else has thrown at you. I hate to say it, but ever since Matthew passed away you’ve done nothing but work. I mean normally I’d have no problem with this, but as both your boss and your colleague I have to tell you that it’s getting unhealthy.”

“Ralph, I-“

“You come in every morning powered by coffee and even with a full face of makeup you still look fried.”

“But, boss-“

“Go home, sleep, and I will personally give you a call when you can do your job again.”

Beeeeeeeep.

“God damn it.”

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What do you say when you’re in my position?

When a man freely tells you something that changed his life forever hardly anyone else on the face of the prying earth knew?

When a man that you don’t even know looks at you in a such a way that strikes fear in your eyes; fear that he might take away the comfort he instilled when his eyes met yours in just the right amount of rain light?

When a complete and utter stranger really does know how you feel, but survived it when you can’t imagine you ever would?

What do I say to him?

How do I say it?

Mind distraught with questions, I cruised down the always busy streets of my city in search of something, anything to stop my thinking. The Vespa scuttled about, turning every corner I wished, stopping at every light to which it was obligated. “Keep moving, baby girl,” I whispered to myself and patted the side of the vehicle as if it were a horse as I pulled into my garage.

It was noon by now and my stomach was growling painfully, moaning into the cold air for nourishment. It was only natural I ordered a pizza.

“Sidney can warm some up for himself later, I guess… God, I’m always talking to air.”

I paused for a moment, leaning against my granite kitchen counter top with a spoon, a glass of milk, and a small carton of vanilla ice cream.

“Well, I talk to you a lot too Matt… It’s hard right now. I mean every other thought in my head lies with you, but others can’t help but rest on Sidney. I mean, obviously he’s so much like you… I just… I don’t want to let you go. I’m terrified, actually.”

My breathing became shallow, short and thin as a thought floated to the surface of my wandering mind. I automatically picked up my house phone and visited my voicemail. The oldest message was the one I was in search of.

A smooth voice like a spring breeze floated through the phone. It was clearly male; not too deep, not too high pitched. Anyone could tell that, just by listening, he was a handsome man.

“Hey, Amanda… Uh –haha- this morning was amazing. I’m still kind of in shock. Anyway, I just called so I could tell you to dress nice tonight. I’m taking you out right after work tonight. I love you, Amanda.

“Bye.”

The second I opened my mouth, I felt an emptying sensation overtake my body. Suddenly I could feel its every function as my legs slowly gave out underneath me. What caught me the most off guard was the fact that I, for the first time listening to that message, didn’t cry.

And frankly I didn’t want to.

“I just don’t want to forget h-how your voice sounds…”

My knees hit the cold wood floor hard, rocking a shock wave through my suddenly numbing body.

“Let go, Amanda,” his voice repeated in my head.

“But it’s so hard here, Matt.”

“Let go.”

“I can’t do it without you.”

“So don’t tell me I don’t know how you feel. And don’t think for one second you shouldn’t be happy again. You’ll never be the same, you have changed, but don’t let it eat you alive like it did me for so long.”

That’s not… Matt… But… They go hand in hand.

I nearly jumped out of my skin as the front door open and shut roughly. A low grunt signaled Sidney’s entrance. I listened as his footsteps trudged heavily into the dining room and stopped, a few clanking noises and a few dull thuds signaling he had set his things down.

“No, Rex, tell them to reschedule or something! Isn’t there anyone else who can run this shi-I know. There’s no other flights? You’ve gotta be-Look. I don’t want to keep intruding on peoples’ lives over here, I feel horrible enough as it is. Well yeah I know she’s Kris’s best friend, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m turning her daily habits upside down! Oh give me a- Right. Fuck… Okay how long? Two wee-Are you fucking kidding me?!” I rose to my feet, listening in on his side of the obviously not good conversation. “Alright, fine, but any longer than that and you better believe I’m calling this off and don’t you dare say I won’t.” And with that, he pressed the ‘end’ button on his Blackberry and lightly tossed it onto the table.

“Fuck!” I whisper-yelled as my spoon slipped from between my fingers. I was so intent on listening to him that I completely lost track of myself and my surroundings. Wow, was I keen or what? The spoon clanked and clattered to the floor earning the swift entrance of the brunette. At first he looked terrified and furious, but the moment his blazing eyes settled on my slightly guilty expression and tight grasp on an empty tub of ice cream, he lightened up.

Splattered all over the floor now in a tiny puddle was my spoon and what remained of my spoonful of creamy goodness. “Here, let me help you,” he whispered, and moved closer to me, which sent my body gravitating away from him. I could feel my knees tremble just by carrying the knowledge that his eyes were on me.

He knelt down and wiped the small mess up with a few paper towels while I basically completely vacated the sink of all three dishes occupying it. “So I take it you heard everything,” he began, throwing the balled paper towels into the trash can under the sink. “The director of the entire add campaign I’m taking part in is stuck somewhere in Europe because of heavy torrential rains. I’m going to be stuck here for another couple of weeks.”

I couldn’t bring myself to answer. My mouth hung slightly open, but my voice box refused to start no matter how many times I mentally turned the key. Despite my attempts at inhaling, he still managed to force the air out of my lungs while I awkwardly stood beside him twiddling my thumbs. I’ll freely admit it; he made me feel embarrassed; embarrassed for not listening to him; for not being more open. He seemed to put trust in me already so why couldn’t I do the same?

I understand now, Matthew. You want me to let go… He’s the perfect person to teach me how.

“I tried talking him into finding another guy, but obviously that failed. If worse comes to worse I’ll just rent out a room at a nice hotel and get out of your way. You’re all kinds of busy with work, I imagi-“

“My boss is forcing me to take a vacation,” I stated matter-of-factly, avoiding his eyes. “And you’re welcome to stay here for as long as you want. I’m starting to like having life other than myself in this place.”

“So you’re not angry at me?” he nearly whispered.

My breath caught in my throat as I uncontrollably turned my eyes to meet his. Deep brown instantly engulfed my senses, the crystalline brilliance of such common eyes drawing me in and clearing my mind. A calming sensation took affect as I shook my head and answered, “Naw, there’s no reason to be.” I paused briefly, scrunching up my nose just a little bit on impulse. “You were right. I can’t let it eat me alive. And after thinking about it a lot, I realize now that I need to start… Letting go.”

“I’m glad you’re accepting it. I honestly thought I’d have to do something crazy to make you believe me that it’s alright to move on,” he replied with a humorous undertone I didn’t think he meant to have in there.

I cracked a minuscule smile and returned with, “Well I think you being here is already enough to make me a bit crazy so…”

Sidney let out a small laugh, which erupted into a sputtering bout of laughter when his stomach growled louder than we were speaking. “How about we get some lunch? My treat?”

“That would be nice,” I replied with a genuine smile and snatched the keys to the Vespa off the edge of the counter.

Wish me luck, Matthew, just like I wish my luck to you.
You know I'll always love you and I'm taking your advice, but my own way at my own speed.
I'm letting go, Matthew.
I'm finally going to let go.