You Mustn't Give Your Heart To A Wild Thing

I don’t know who I am without you

I brushed my thumb lightly across the cold, smooth screen of my iPhone and erased the eight words I’d been whispering to myself for the past week. It took a mere second to clear them forever, yet I knew it would take an eternity to even come close to clearing them from my mind.

I had spent the best part of two weeks creeping around behind the scenes, slipping silently from venue to venue and disappearing; like a ghost, at the first sign of a crowd not kept at arms length by security. I could count the number of fans I’d taken pictures with on one hand and the sharpie I kept in my back pocket for such occasions, was still wrapped in its plastic; yet to scribble my name on any chaste skin or crumpled flyers.

This; I’d imagine, would explain the look of shock on my brothers face as I appeared at the foot of the steps leading from the bus and this; I’d imagine, was the reason that the entire group fell into silence when I limped toward them, joining the dozen or so people congregated beside Cancer Bats’ bus.

“Ye goin where?”

“Aquarium” Lee shrugged nonchalantly, flicking his eyes up to meet Vegans and ahead to catch Toms. I, caught all three of their apprehensive expressions and wouldn’t be lying if I said they weren’t what I’d come to expect.

Much like they were expecting me to suck the fun out of wherever they were headed and much like they expected me to cause an unecessary argument. “Thought it’d be nice to get away from band stuff an’ all the…”

“Ye mean get away from me”

It wasn’t so much a question as a statement, and one of such undeniable truth that Lees cheeks flushed furiously and he mumbled a string of incoherent excuses as he shoved his hands deep into his pockets. “ ‘s not that we don’ want ye to come Ol, we jus’ though ye’d…”

My brother spoke up suddenly, and his brash ‘If ‘m bein’ honest, yeah’ drew a collective sharp intake of breath from everyone around.

The curl of my lips into a sneer and a soft snort of distaste was all I could muster in response, and I let my mouth relax back into the frown it had grown used to within seconds, my tensed body following suit moments later.

I’d grown tired of fighting and although I would never admit it aloud, my younger brother was right. I’d hate to have such a killjoy around, I despised being such a killjoy myself.

"They say you can't leave Baltimore without seeing the Aquarium man. The National Aquarium bro! It's some serious shit"

I turned to see Liam grinning at me. His smile a little lopsided to match the tilt of his head and his eyes squinting into mere slits as the midday sunshine beat down on his face. "I mean they've got dolphin shows dude! Who doesn't love a fucking dolphin sho..."

"'ve got plans actually" I interupted quickly. It wasn't that I was scared of being persuaded by the idea of dolphin shows and shark feeds, and it wasn't that I was unappreciative of the offer; in fact quite the opposite.

It was the vibrating of my phone from where I'd shoved it in my back pocket. It was the quick glance at my watch, that told me I was already running late. And, more than anything, it was the nerves twisting my stomach into the tightest of knots and begging me not to do this, that had me cutting Liam short and nodding my head into the distance.

"'s some record shop I should check out that some kid were tellin' me about las' night. 'e said they got a rate good selection o' Trash, an' m gettin' fuckin' sick o' ye hip hop Tommy. Really I..." My words trailed as Thomas' eyebrows raised skyward and I watched his lips part slowly, befor curling into the shape of 'bull...' "Were called Sound Garden, or summat li' that, said 's only a few blocks from 'ere like"

"I've been there dude!" Liam enthused, flicking his flattened mohawk from in his eyes. "The kids not lying man, I found some fuckin' rare Danzig in there. The chick behind the register too... Oli, tell her I say Hi"

I chuckled as his right eye twisted into a wink and he made a lewd movement with his hands. "'m not there t' meet girls man" I reassured with a shake of my head.

"Ye sure about that Ol?"

My brother no longer flinched under my stare, he no longer held his tongue and most definitely did not keep his thoughts to himself. His bright blue eyes bore straight back into my own hazel orbs and though a little shorter than myself, the broad stance he adopted as I squared up to him, had him appearing to dwarf me.

"'s a lot of things ye don't know Tommy" I seethed through gritted teeth, clenching and unclenching my fists at my sides.

"An' 's a whole load o' stuff I do know Ol"

In my mind I had grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, I had spat curse words in his face and I had sworn to do all manner of things if he was a cocky little shit again.

In reality I was left shaking with anger; directed only at myself, I was left alone in the parking lot and I was left second guessing this entire afternoon, again.

My brother was definitely my brother, but right now; it pained me to admit, I was anything but his.

&&

Thames Street was long, a lot longer than I had expected and far away, a lot further than I'd been led to believe. The breeze from across the water was the only thing keeping me from collapsing, and even with the light tickle of wind against my skin, my shirt was slicked to my body and I daren't lift my arms for fear if record breaking sweat patches.

The Sound Garden was not what I had expected at all. Back home all the record stores worth visiting; the ones with misfits vinyl tacked to the ceiling and staff who could recount the entire Anthrax back catalogue forwards, backwards; any which way you wanted, without so much as a pause for breath. Were hidden in back streets, held a constant and discerning smell of damp carpet; no matter what the season, and hadn't seen a lick of paint since what I guessed as being the early seventies.

The Sound Garden was something else entirely and to be honest, as I pushed myself through the wooden door; cherry red in colour and polished almost to the point of seeing my own face reflected back at me, I was more than a little sceptical.

This was her favourite place?

"You made it then?"

It wasn't uncommon, at the present time, for voices to send shudders down my spine and goose pimples across my skin, but I hadn't expected it here, now and from him.
I turned on my heel reluctantly and let my eyes meet a vaguely familiar dark brown pair; barely visible beneath a mousey brown fringe and narrowed slightly, much as I imagined my own to be. He stood just a little taller than me and his thin, gangly frame all but mirrored my own. I couldn’t help but note the various similarities, which in turn pointed out the subtle; but present, differences.

Alex had an air of ‘happy go lucky’ about him, whilst I, currently, was surrounded by tension. Alex’ words rolled softly from the tip of his tongue, whilst mine had a tendency to force their way sporadically and jaggedly from my mouth. He seemed to listen, whereas I overpowered and he seemed to pay attention whilst I struggled to notice.

"I got caught up like, by Tommy an' Liam an'...shit, 's really fuckin' far" I had absolutely no idea why I was apologising, and from the look on his face, neither did he.

"It's alright Oli, you're not on a date you know” Alex smirked, his eyes returning to their wide eyed amusement and his body relaxing into a slight slouch. “there's no need to apologise and..."

"Ye was ringin' me though, I thought I were gonna miss ye and..."

"It's fine. Really” He shrugged, the sleeve of his purple American Apparel hoodie slipping from his left shoulder. “I’m not leaving until like five so”

“Tour?”

He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, letting it rest at the nape of his neck. “I’m going home for a little while, to visit family”

“Maryland isn’t home?”

“Technically yes and technically no” He answered, smiling uncertainly as my eyebrows furrowed. “Chelmsford. Chelmsford, Essex”

His accent was unexpected and surprisingly accurate; Americans rarely managed an impression without slipping into the realms of Victorian cockneys, and I was stunned into silence for what must be the hundredth consecutive time that day. “Ye from England?”

“My Mom and Dad, yeah” He smiled, “Moved here when I was seven with my bro…family. We’ve still got a fuck load of Aunts and Uncles and cousins over there so I’m subjected to rain and too many cups of tea at least once a…”

"Just outta curiosity, what was ye gonna do if Verity were there las' night?" I asked, cutting our small talk short. I hadn’t come to hear about his family trips and I was pretty sure that if it weren’t for his visible apprehension and nerves, he wouldn’t dream of telling me in the first place.

"I knew she wouldn't be" Alex stated with a simple shrug of his shoulders, "It would be far too predictable, and predictable goes with Verity Ann as well as timekeeping goes with you"

A weak smile spread across my lips and I fell into place with him as he took a few small strides across the room to the next bookshelf crammed with old CDs. "If ye knew she weren't gonna be there, why did ye..."

"Bother?"

I nodded slowly watching as he took a deep breath in and continued tracing the names on the sides of the CD cases with his pointed finger. He stopped abruptly at a shelf just below his chest height and turned to face me with his finger still pressed against the jewel case.

"Because, some things are worth the bother" Alex continued, brushing invisible creases from the grey and blue plaid shirt he was wearing beneath his hoodie, and looking anywhere and everywhere but me. "And Verity Ann Palmer... well finding Verity at least, is most definitely one of them"

“Why d’ye wanna find ‘er?”

I hadn’t expected him to look me quite so dead straight in the eye and I’d certainly not expected what he said next.