If I Only Had the Heart

Luckily, Kylie didn’t even have to wait until the next day for Jordan to visit, due to her being in New York City and Kylie being so close to the Jersey/New York border. She was sitting on her bed when there was a soft knock. “Ky?”

She got up slowly and moseyed over to the door. She turned the deadbolt and opened the door. When Jordan saw her, she gasped. “Oh, hunny,” she said, enveloping the girl in a hug.

Kylie wept on her shoulders, letting big, fat tears fall. Her eyes were already bloodshot, puffy, and red from crying. She knew better; she knew she shouldn’t be crying, that she should get over it. But she couldn’t. It had finally all built up and crashed down around her, ruining her “perfectly fine” exterior. She cried for a little while longer, just letting the tears fall while Jordan told her it would be okay, and then she pulled back from her cousin and walked over to her bed.

The blonde climbed in, pulling the covers up around herself, while Jordan sat next to her. “What happened sweetie?”

She shrugged. Her voice was raspy from crying, and she didn’t feel like speaking even if it was just Jordan. “I never should have come here,” she whispered.

Her cousin patted her shoulder and shook her head. “This isn’t your fault, Kylie. He left, not you.”

She started to feel tears fall down her cheek slowly and quickly wiped them away. She was sick of crying. “I know it’s not my fault, but I’m making everything harder by being here.”

Jordan shrugged. “Scoot over,” she demanded and Kylie obliged, then she lay down with her. She wrapped her arm around Kylie’s shoulder and pulled her close. “You’ll get through this hell week with Bendeth, and then you can go back to California and go back to living your life.”

Kylie sighed. “I can ignore Matt when I’m here; that’s not what I’m worried about.” Sighing in frustration, she continued. “I mean, I kind of feel sick to my stomach when I think about seeing him, but that’s not the problem. I’m worried about leaving.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to leave, Jordan. I mean, I want to leave the heartache and crap behind, but I loved Matt. That kind of stuff doesn’t come with an off-on switch.”

Her cousin sighed. “I know it doesn’t, Ky, I know. But he hurt you. You can’t tell me you want him back.”

The blonde shrugged and played with a loose string on her ratty old t-shirt. “I didn’t say I wanted him back, I’m just having a bit of a problem letting him go.”

***

Several hours later, the two girls were curled up under the blankets of Kylie’s hotel bed, junk food galore surrounding them, while a Saw II played on the TV. Kylie hated horror movies, absolutely despised them, but Jordan was the Scary Movie queen. When looking through the movies playing on their TV, the pair decided that when it came between a romantic comedy and a scary movie, the scary movie won hands down. So, while Kylie sat in fear as one of the girls stuck in the house plunged into a pit of syringe needles, Jordan screamed, enjoying every second of it. “Jordan, this is fucking ridiculous!” Kylie hissed, covering her eyes while the sounds of the girls screams sent chills up her spine.

Jordan laughed and muted the movie. She stuffed several Sour Patch Kids into her mouth and said in between chews, “Shut up. It’s awesome, and plus it’s all fake. It’s not like this shit really happens.”

Kylie rolled her eyes and crawled out of the bed. “Whatever, I’m going to go get some more ice.” She didn’t bother putting shoes on since the ice machine was about fifteen feet from her hotel room. Instead she padded down the hall to her destination in black booty shorts, an old white t-shirt, and white tube socks with red and blue rings at the top. When she got to the vending machines, she set the ice bucket under the dispenser and hit the button. After a minute, the bucket was full. She turned to the vending machines, and while trying to decide what to get, she pulled her phone out. Kylie had several missed calls and a couple text messages, none of any importance. The only one that stuck out was the missed call and voicemail from Matt.

She swallowed hard. “Is he trying to break me beyond fixing?” she mumbled to herself. That was the only voicemail, so she decided to ignore it and put her phone on silent. She hit a few buttons to get some more junk, swiped the ice bucket, and went back to her room. She knocked, smirking as she heard Jordan shriek. Seconds later, the door swung open, only to reveal a scowling cousin.

“Bitch,” Jordan muttered, hurrying back to the bed to continue the movie. Kylie laughed and joined her after setting the bucket of ice down.

An hour later, seventy five percent of the junk food was gone and the movie was finished. “That was so awesome,” Jordan said, being one hundred percent serious.

“Really? Because I hated every second of it. Watching a romantic comedy would have been better than that.”

Her cousin shrugged. “Whatever; now what?”

Kylie shrugged too. “Don’t know. But I feel like some actual food instead of this candy and crap.”

Wide-eyed, Jordan said, “Are you serious? Because I feel like the only thing I could eat right now is maybe one more Sour Patch Kid.”

“Yes, but you’re an addict.” Kylie laughed and got off out of the bed. “Come on, I feel like chocolate chip pancakes.”

Rolling her eyes, the other girl said, “You’re an idiot. But you’re lucky I love you enough to take you to the nearest diner even though I feel like I’m going to pop.”

*

“Changed my mind,” Kylie announced as she and Jordan took seats in a booth at the nearest diner.

Jordan narrowed her eyes. “What?”

“I don’t feel like pancakes anymore. I just want a nice, big cup of coffee.”

Rolling her eyes, the girl called the waitress over. “What can I get you?” the waitress asked, obviously bored and not wanting to be there.

Kylie smiled gently at her and said, “Just coffee, thanks.”

The girl nodded and left, leaving the cousins alone. “So, how are you Ky?”

She shrugged. “I’m fine. Why?”

Jordan gave Kylie a hard stare. “You know you aren’t fine, sweetie.”

She shrugged again, not bothering to look up from the table. She tore open a packet of sugar and spilled it onto a napkin, pushing it together to make a tiny mountain of the sweet stuff. “Kylie,” Jordan said sternly, trying to get her cousin to talk to her.

She looked up from her sugar mountain and said, “What?”

“You need to talk about this. It’s not healthy to just keep everything in.”

“I’m not keeping everything in,” she mumbled, going back to her sugar pile.

The waitress came back then with a pot of fresh coffee. She poured two big cups and slid them to each girl, respectively. Kylie smiled her thanks and then went about pouring creamer and sugar in her coffee. She stirred the liquid, watching the cream turn from white clouds into tan, until they were all blending together. She hummed along to the tune playing on the jukebox until Jordan hit her hand off of the table, grabbing Kylie’s attention. “Stop it,” she said firmly. She was getting frustrated with her cousin.

“Stop what, Jordan?”

“You’re avoiding the subject. I came here to talk to you so I could try and help. I can’t help if you won’t talk. So talk.”

Sighing, Kylie finally gave in. “What do you want to talk about, Jord?” Jordan gave her a look that suggested Ky knew exactly what she wanted to talk about, so she continued. “Okay, fine. I’m not okay. I just want to get out of here. I don’t want to see Matt anymore. It hurts. Which was to be expected, I guess, but that doesn’t make it any easier.” She wiped a tear away that slipped out. “I hate crying. I hate that I’m still crying over him when he so obviously doesn’t care. I just want to be over him. I’d give anything for someone new to waltz into my life; someone who could be an easy distraction, someone who could make me laugh and someone who would make me forget about him for good.”

Jordan sighed. “I know you want to be over him, hun, but getting a rebound guy will not help.”

She shrugged. “It might help.”

Her cousin shook her head. “No, it will make the emotional baggage pile up so high and one day, something will trigger it to all fall down around you. It will make everything that much harder.

“Whatever. Not like I was serious, Jord. I just want over him.”

“I know. Have you guys even talked?”

She shook her head. “No. We screamed. And I cried. And then I left.”

“You guys need to talk like two adults. Have a grown up conversation so you can get some closure. That’s the only thing that will get you over him.”

Kylie didn’t say anything. Because even though Jordan was probably right like she usually was, Kylie wasn’t sure she wanted closure. At this point, she had no idea what she wanted. That scared her a little bit. She liked being sure of herself, of what she wanted, not completely oblivious to her future and her intended path of travel. While she continued playing with her mountain of sugar, Kylie realized she needed to talk to Matt. She just wasn’t sure how she was going to do so, or if she really wanted to do so for that matter.