Don't Blame Me for Being Me

Chapter 67
Let it roll! Our time is fleeting so we take control (but how to take control of our own feelings? And should we?)
I came to the kitchen where Gerard happened to be already. I smiled at him and silently walked to the fridge for another bottle of beer which got being mixed with vodka since recently.
“How’s it going?” I asked Gerard opening the bottle.
“Good. You did good for this party”, he replied.
I hopped on a table, this time slower ‘cause of the alcohol I consumed.
“Thank you. It’s all for you, guys. You’ve done much for me this summer”, I said.
He stood up in front of me. I brought a cold bottle to my chest to cool it down. I had much activity before.
“Yeah, this tour was a great experience”, he told.
I noticed how close we were and it felt the same as in a hotel’s swimming pool in Detroit.
*************Soundtrack – Empty with You by The Used****************
“Hey, why Mikey didn’t come?” I decided to keep my mind off of that topic.
“It took you four hours to notice his absence?” he chuckled.
I frowned at him.
“No offence”, he flashed a smile and grabbed my bare shoulders in a half-hug.
“So where’s he? I expected him to come. I wanted to hang with him”, I told.
Gerard let me go and took a sip from his mug.
“He planned to ask your friend, Dasha, out for a dinner”, he replied. “And if he’s not here, so probably he got lucky”.
“What?” I asked him.
“What?” we heard Pete’s voice coming from a doorway. “I fucking knew it”.
“Shit”, I jumped off to go run after him, ‘cause footsteps were obviously heard.
I chased him at a front porch.
“Where the fuck are you going to, Pete?” I yelled at him.
“Home”, he snapped angrily and kept walking down a sidewalk.
I heard the exit door being shut once again behind us, but didn’t care to find out who it was. I grabbed Pete’s arm to make him stop or, at least, pay his attention to me. And I stopped him.
“What do you want, Ira? I heard all I need to know”, he said.
“Pete, why do you act like this? Why did you break up with her?” I asked him back.
“Because I fucking hoped she loved me, but it’s not true”, he replied.
“Why are you so good in business, but so jerk in love cases?” I smirked. “She loves you. You just have no belief in her, in her feelings to you. All you do is giving up when it’s getting tested”.
“I want to be sure in her feelings. But there’re so many reasons not to”, he said.
I shook my head.
“There’s nobody but you and her to tell what’s going on between you two”, I gave up.
He gave me a hug.
“Come back to the house. I’ll call a cab and leave”, he said.
“Thank you for everything tonight”, I said quietly and turned away to leave him.
“Ira, don’t tell her anything”, Pete asked.
“Okay. It’s not my place to do it”, I replied looking down.
I started walking back.
“Is he mad?” I heard somebody’s voice.
I glanced up to see Gerard. He looked worried. We started walking together.
“Not much”, I replied. “But anyway I can’t do anything about it”.
He put his arm around my shoulder. I felt free to cuddle close to him. All awkwardness I used to sense before was gone in a moment he squeezed my shoulder and said “They’re gonna be okay” about Dasha and Pete.
“Are we?” I asked and looked at him.
“Who?” he asked back.
“Us. You and me. Are we okay at all? Why do I feel like I need air when I’m close to you? Why do you stare at me across a room? Why are you jealous about me? I’ve never seen you like me or anything”, words were falling out by themselves.
“I like you, Ira. Very much. It just seems to me, you’re too far to reach. It feels like even if I open up to you about my feelings, you’ll just sneer at me. So I prefer to act like you irritate me. But it’s far from my true attitude to you”, he honestly replied.
All I wanted to do was to check him, to check Frank’s words. But now his answer was too much for me to stomach.
“And jealousy is hard to hide, probably”, he smirked.
I stopped walking and looked very seriously, I guess.
“I don’t press you with any answers, actually. We can pretend I said nothing”, Gerard let me go.
I closed my eyes for a moment to recall everything we had in the past – our conversations, our arguments, our good times, our awkward moments, small amount of time I spent at My Chem tour bus…everything.
“The point is that I want to answer you”, I said looking directly at him. “What question?”
“Do I have a chance with you?” he asked.
“I thought you’d ask “will you go out with me?” I said.
“It’s the same”, he replied nervously.
“How the hell it’s the same? You always have chances. Your question should be about what I feel to you or something”, I told.
He took a deep breath.
“Do you feel the same what I feel to you?” he asked.
“You actually haven’t said exactly what you feel. I’m left to guess still”, I said.
“You’re torturing me”, he frowned.
I took his hand and pulled him close to me.
“Firstly, why did you decide to talk to me about such serious things when I’m drunk?” I whispered to him being in dangerous proximity to his lips.
He wanted to say something, but I put my hand lightly on his mouth.
“Secondly, I’m not torturing you. I’m showing you what to expect when we will be together”, I continued and smiled. “Thirdly, you really haven’t said what you really feel to me, Gerard”, I took my hand away as I finished.
I swear I’ll never forget his eyes then and how his look was changing while I was speaking.
“You want us to be together?” he spoke up.
“Right question”, I smiled. “And strangely, yes, I want”.
I put my hand behind his neck and he slid his arm around my waist. It was only a matter of time for us to kiss. And any other kiss never made me feel such close to a person I kissed as Gerard’s one. Everything just fade for me and nothing mattered. As we ran out of breath, we pulled away from each other.
“Well, I feel to you this kind of thing”, he smiled.
“Did we get each other right? We start relationship?” I asked.
He nodded still keeping his hands on my waist. I pressed my lips to his ones and murmured “Good”, as the kiss got longed.
“Let’s start it tomorrow, okay?” I asked him when we were on our way back to the house.
“Why?”
“First Pete, then you and everything about us, all of this just sobered me up. But it’s a party, Gerard”, I pointed at a bright-lightened house.
“You don’t want us to party together?” he asked ironically.
“I want us to do everything right. And dead serious. Drinking and dancing are far away from it”, I said firmly.
He squeezed my hand in a sign of understanding and, may be, appreciation. I pecked his lips once more before entering the house. In a doorway leading to the living room we exchanged supportive glances and I let go of his hand. He walked to his bandmates and I went to survey the backyard. I found Spencer, Mischa, Gabe and Lena sitting on grass and talking loudly.
“Hey, Ira!” Spence yelled after noticing me. “Where have you been?”
I took a seat next to him.
“Nowhere”, I grinned. “I wanna go to night clubs after we’re done here”, I turned my head to Gabe.
He gave me high-five being glad at my wise decision. We talked more and then I volunteered to bring drinks. The house looked quieter. Though music was still blasting. But only very active people could allow themselves dancing. I knew I hid some bottles of vodka in the refrigerator, so I came directly to the kitchen, which was empty to my surprise. I took a cold bottle of alcohol and found in a cabinet a mug for me as I didn’t have a clue where I left mine. I was about to leave when I saw Gerard came in.
“This is a little fucked up, you know”, he said.
“We’ll sort everything out tomorrow. I promise. I don’t let you go”, I whispered close to his face.
“I’ll leave the party soon. Is it okay?” he asked.
I nodded.
“We’ll talk tomorrow, okay? We need it”, he said.
I nodded again looking into his eyes and having a firm grip on the bottle. Guys probably were cursing me it was taking too long. But being with Gerard was more important. Though the feeling of weirdness couldn’t go away from me. Just… from all people it was Gerard who was gonna date me, who was gonna care about me, who was gonna kiss me… I couldn’t believe. But somewhere deep in my soul I loved that and I wanted to do those things to him in return. But still… it felt strange all the time I was with him, besides moments we kissed.
I returned to my boys and girls at the backyard. Sure, they were calling me an ass for being absent for so long. Our company had new faces – Bill, Joe, Andy and Lexie. I was glad she and me got along well, so well that we dared to make fun of Andy. According to Gabe, our club company was getting extended, so it wouldn’t a surprise if we split up somewhere in between. I aimed to stick by Lena’s side and get her home safely after.
Probably, in hour people started to leave. All with promises to keep in touch and meet again someday. I made their departure more funny by taking pictures in the most awkward moments. Plus it was rare to see someone sober. It was like pictures ‘after’, you know xD. So to 1 a.m. it was only people who wanted clubbing left inside. It included Gabe, Lena, Spence, Mischa, Jon, Brendon, Shane, Sam, Andie, Jane, Bill, Joe, Frank and me. So while they were setting on a plan for us all, I changed into skinnies and silver tank top. Then I decided to make a little order in the living room and brought all trash into the kitchen. Gerard hasn’t left yet and found me there.
“When can I call you?” he asked.
Another time for the evening I sat on the table. Only now I wrapped my legs around his middle. He couldn’t help but grin and move close to me.
“I’ll call you myself. It’s me who’s messing everything up”, I said playing with his hair.
“You seem to accept pretty easily our physical…communication”, he said holding a smile.
“How can I not?” I teased and let him kiss me eagerly.
“Ira, are you sure you’re going with us?” Gabe’s voice interrupted us boldly.
I pushed Gerard away and pressed my legs together. Gerard crossed his arms leaning against a counter opposite me. I gave Gabe an evil look.
“You were caught up!” he yelled. “We really can leave you for yourselves, you know”.
I rolled my eyes and jumped off the table.
“I’m going, Gabe. I’ll be in a minute”, I hinted to him at giving Gerard and me some farewell privacy.
And thankfully, he got it. I sighed and came up to Gerard.
“Sorry. As for me I don’t like getting interrupted”, I said.
He shook his head in a sign “it doesn’t matter” and pecked my lips farewell. I saw him silently off to the exit door.
“I’ll call you”, I said quietly before he went away.
I turned back to face my friends with surprised looks at their faces. I guessed Gabe wasn’t able to keep a secret.
“What?” I asked smiling at their ridiculousness.
“You said you didn’t like him”, Frank looked really confused.
“No, I said I didn’t know he liked me. That’s different”, I replied.
“Is he a good kisser?” Mischa asked smiling.
“We’re not discussing it!” I yelled.
“How?!” Jon, Spence, Gabe and girls whined jokingly.
“Fuck off, guys. Let’s get wasted. Anybody called a cab? Or two?” I ended up with ‘Gerard and me’ topic.
******************************************************************
Who do you think was the inseparable group? Jon, Gabe, Lena and me. To the last club we got in there were only us plus Spence and Mischa. But they left earlier, with my keys from the house. We stayed till 4 in the morning. And there wasn’t a question Gabe was staying at my place. We all were dead drunk and, personally, I don’t remember half of the things I was doing that night. Though I recall spending much time with Brendon and Bill. It seemed to me Frank was avoiding me. He probably thought I was kind of a fraud and was only pretending saying I didn’t like Gerard in a slightest. He has a right, to be honest. He wanted to have chances with me. Hope, I don’t ruin their friendship. Though it’s barely possible – Frank and me are friends and never be something more.
Brendon and me recalled old times and were dancing so much as if we haven’t seen a dancefloor in ages. Jon tried to speak with me seriously a couple of times, but he totally failed. We both were drunk as never and were mostly giggling.
Before getting wasted with no way back, Gabe was acting like a genuine gentleman around Lena. They liked each other’s company much and didn’t care to hide it.
Sounds of Lady GaGa’s hits were straightly telling you to commit a crime – such as kissing your ex-boyfriend. It’s fantastic how I can screw things up. Just some pretty hot positions in a dance and – bam! – my lips meet his ones. I even don’t wanna blame Brendon for anything. Bringing to my mind that kiss (which was too deep for even ex-lovers, by the way) I feel only shame and guilt. I need to find a compromise with myself. But these feelings came in the next morning. And at the next morning I found out I was sleeping in one bed with Gabe. No, checking if we were naked wasn’t the first thought to cross my mind. So I just panicked and overreacted at a friendly sleepover xD.
Dasha called at the next day. She did spend that night at a dinner with Mikey. As our house was full of people she said she’d stay at her friend’s place more.
To the afternoon of the next day half-alive people who called themselves my guests gathered in my kitchen. All they want was to drink. I had some hidden bottles – 2 with vodka, gin and tequila. So I felt myself Danco at that moment - sacrificing to them a very important thing for me and guiding them into the world without a headache xD. In that state we all were in (Jon and Mischa looked better than the rest of us) we managed to play poker. We had last bottle of vodka, so it was on stake in the game. Gabe won and he indeed needed that amount of alcohol.
Wise people make up proverbs and people should listen to and follow them. If it says, be careful drinking alcohol in hangover – you can start another bender. We missed that tiny line between finally feeling better and wanting to feel much more better. Thankfully, we were able to see Lena off, as she had a flight back to Moscow that day. We managed to see her off to a front porch. Well, Gabe even walked with her to a cab. I felt bad Lena and me spent not so much time together. Her trip was pretty short but eventful.
“She’s such a good fun to have with”, Mischa said after Lena left and we two hid in the kitchen.
“Yeah, and always have been”, I agreed.
“How long you two know each other?” she asked.
“We met when we started studying in Belarussian Agriculture Academy at our homeland, Belarus. It was in 2006. We spent a year being inseparable and knew all secrets of each other. Then I moved to London, but we don’t lose a contact”, I replied.
“Cool. I don’t like to move to another place. I’m not good at finding new friends”, she confessed.
“Oh, really? We kinda hit it off well”, I smiled.
“It’s because of you. And drinks”, she returned a smile. “I can’t believe we drink for the second day”.
“It’s highly possible. And your sweet boyfriend I call just Spencie has had such wild times along with me, I’ll let you know”, I said.
“Not a big surprise for me”, she laughed. “Was it when you dated Brendon?”
“Yeah…and don’t remind, please”, I said.
“Why did you two kiss last night?”
“Don’t look for any rational reason”, I advised.
“And Gerard?”
“He tries to reach me since the morning”, I replied looking at my mobile. “But I’m not ready to speak with him yet. And I told I’d call him!”
“You’re such a mess, you know?” Mischa smiled.
I looked up at her and sighed.
“Pour me more tequila, I’ll tell you how Panic! At the Disco used to rest in Belarus”, I said.
She laughed and we spent much time talking about the guys and their adventures in Belarus. We were interrupted by Gabe who ran into the kitchen loudly asking “Are you drinking without us?!”. He dragged us to the living room where our small intimate company was having a good time with drinks and chats.