Don't Blame Me for Being Me

Chapter 68
Rise and shine to a headache and a question, my keys were lost and my morals came up missing (surprisingly, I want to confess it to you and want you to change it)
After a pretty short conversation over a phone, Gerard and me agreed to meet and discuss everything. I never had such trouble in getting ready for a date (surely, it was a date). My hands were trembling and I couldn’t apply my beautiful Bourjois mascara. Dasha helped me with that. He came to pick me up at 7 p.m. Five minutes before I only decided (finally) what to dress. All that nervousness made the date be very special for me. I wore a deep blue, knees-short dress from deLia’s and black short leather jacket. No high heels, just black mary janes. Dasha helped with my hair creating curls which meant to look natural. When I heard his voice after Dasha let him in, I looked at my reflection in a mirror for how-many but the last time.
“It’s gonna be okay”, I was telling myself quietly till the moment I came downstairs and met him.
We greeted each other with no big emotions and he led me out of my house. We silently got in his car and he started an engine.
“Where are we going to for tonight?” I dared to speak up only when we were on a highway.
“Jer-ne Restaurant. They have good seafood. I hope you like seafood”, he replied.
“Yeah, pretty much”, I said.
“How was your day?” he asked.
I smirked to myself. I was getting sober after all that quantity of alcohol I consumed for the past two days. And thinking about you, Gerard!
“Good. Had some stuff to do”, I lied.
“Kept yourself busy for a reason?”
“You see through me”, I said quietly.
“It’s a rare case, to be honest. I don’t know much about you though I want to”, he replied.
I was watching him attentively.
“What? Am I doing something wrong?” Gerard asked.
“No. I just… Just let me get used to all of that, to such words you say. It’s weird to hear them from you. I just… try to transform to a serious mode, Gerard”, I admitted.
“It’s okay”, he held out his right hand for me to take.
I squeezed it and intertwined my fingers with his ones.
*********************Soundtrack – Birds by Kate Nash*********************
We had our meals on a patio of the restaurant. Views of the ocean were helping us not to feel pressure about the aim of our meeting. We spoke just about everything – memories, events, people. I felt good. THE conversation started when we ordered our deserts. While we were waiting, we were drinking white wine. And talking.
“I need to know what you think about all of this”, Gerard looked at me intently.
“Where to start? I’m still surprised you like me and want to be with me”, I said and raised my hand gesturing him not to interrupt ‘cause he intended. “Not that I think less of myself. Just… well, it’s not a big deal. I’m still surprised by myself for wishing to be with you. That’s what is in my head right now”, I ended and finally torn my glance from a glass in my hand and looked up at him.
“Are we gonna work out?” he asked.
I shrugged off my shoulders not knowing the answer.
“We should learn much about each other. We have so much work to do, Gerard”, I said.
“I want to be with you”, he said and smiled briefly. “And I’m so glad I finally told you about this. Holding this inside for so long was kinda painful”.
“I’m sorry. But now is probably the best timing, to be honest. I was so caught up in myself and touring with the guys… I highly doubt I’d ever think about you if you told me then”, I said sadly.
“So luck is on my side”, he put his hand over mine on a table.
I nodded.
“It’s on OUR side, Gerard”, I corrected him. “I already like to use such words as ‘our’, ‘us’”, I lit up the conversation.
He chuckled.
After we finished our dinner, we made our way to a savage beach some miles away. I know this place for a very long time. I like it ‘cause I’ve always been able to find a privacy there. Such quality is rare for the most of LA beaches.
“I think our dinner went good, didn’t it?” Gerard asked when we were walking along a shoreline.
We took off our footwear already and were carrying it in our hands. Gerard rolled up his pants to his knees and left his jacket in his car.
“It was nice”, I replied cuddling closer to him ‘cause of wind. “I like every part of it”.
I felt him kissing my forehead. It only added a feeling of overwhelm-ness I had then.
“I want to develop strong feelings to you”, I confessed.
He stopped walking and turned to face me.
“What? Sorry, I’ve probably just scared you. But I meant it. I really wish we will last long. Fuck, again, it’s not right to spill out such thoughts at the first date. It was the date, right?” I was talking fastly.
“Ira, everything’s okay. You’re not scaring me. You’re amazing. You amaze me. For a pretty long time, actually”, he said and leaned to kiss me.
“Sorry, I’m just nervous. I’m nervous since you’ve called today and-”, I trailed off again.
He gave me a look.
“Okay, shut me up eventually”, I said smiling and grabbing a collar of his shirt.
We threw down our shoes to let our hands explore our bodies. Probably, only windy weather hindered us to rip off our clothes from each other. We were so close then, standing alone on a sandy beach, with waves coming to and away from our feet. And we were close to some particular occupation xD.
“Wait, Gerard, I’m breathless”, I pulled away from him.
“Sorry, it’s hard to let go of you”, he said pulling me into his embrace.
I looked at him attentively.
“So don’t let me go”, I told.
“Hell, never”, he said before giving me another kiss.
*************************************************************************************
I returned home to the midnight and spent another hour talking with Dasha. We spoke about Mikey and Gerard. And Pete too. Recently he has made himself clear she and him are no longer together. And it’s final. Dasha gave up worrying and being upset about it. She just accepted Mikey’s feelings to her. I felt confused about that whole situation, but it’s her life and her emotions. To my admission that Gerard and me are going to develop a relationship she just replied that she knew from the beginning it would be this way someday. Isn’t she sweet friend?
Gerard shared sad news with me that evening. As he and the band have some shows and business in New York, him and me will meet again only in a week. That fact got me upset, of course. I’ve liked our physical closeness already xD. But Dasha got me upset even more. She said she changed her shifts at her job to get free three days in a row and to go to NY with Mikey and for Mikey. When she told me about it, I was scolding at her for 15 minutes and saying she wasn’t a friend of mine. It was childish, I know. But she was gonna get time for Mikey and herself to get to know each other better. Gerard and me were left with phone conversations.
*************************************************************************************
“Now this is fucked up and it’s NOT my fault”, I told Gerard at our second day of his absence.
“I start each our conversation saying I’m sorry, Ira”, he replied. “I know it’s not enough, I know”, he added quickly.
“Actually I was gonna say that I appreciate very much that you call so often”, I said.
“Oh, then I’ll try to write you through e-mail also. To the end of this week you’ll get sick of me”, he joked.
“No, boy! Once you’ve got me, it takes too much to get rid off of me”, I joked back.
“I’m not even going to try”, he said.
“Good then. How was your day, guys?” I asked.
“Well and usual. We played a gig in Boston. We’re still here actually. Ray’s asleep safe and soundly. Frank and Bob are playing a video game right now”, he updated me. “Mikey’s in a bathroom talking over a phone, as I guess”.
“Probably with Dasha, ‘cause she left the room with a foolish grin when her mobile rang”, I said.
He breathed out a little laugh.
“What do your face look like when I call? Since you judge other people”, he put in a little irony.
“I’ll let you make an experiment when you’re back”, I found a reply with no real answer.
“I should think it’s beyond description, yeah?”
“You and your irony!” I pointed out.
“Okay, okay! So what was your day like?” he asked instead.
“A little shitty. But it only makes a difference in my life. In such days I don’t wanna have an office work anytime again. I actually have to do some reports for tomorrow morning meeting”, I uploaded him with my problems.
“What? It’s around midnight in LA. How the fuck are you gonna ‘do some reports’?” he mocked me a little in the end.
“Very easily, Gerard. It’s nothing extraordinary. You thought I can only party and drink? Well, no. When I have the office work I go to bed at 1 p.m. or later. Situation gets worse when I have projects for my university studying. And I don’t complain. I chose it myself”, I said.
“I’ve never thought of you as a carefree alcoholic, Ira”, he told firmly.
“I hope”, I mumbled gloomy.
“It was just a sign of care. Simple care”, he said.
“I got ya, okay. Don’t worry”, I calmed him down.
“We should someday compete with Mikey and Dasha at having longer phone conversation”, Gerard lit up the mood.
“You and me are not ALWAYS chatty people, but we should try anyway”, I replied.
“Not today. I let you go to do these reports. Please, be in your bed at 1 p.m. at least”, he almost ordered.
I laughed.
“What’s funny, Ira?”
“Sorry. Nothing. But what are you gonna do if I won’t follow your advise?” I teased him.
“Then I’m done with our short-termed relationship”, he said not convincingly enough.
“You promised not letting go”, I pouted.
“Who said I keep promises?” his tone was playful.
“Didn’t you know I penalize promise-breakers?” I joked.
“So what my punishment will be?”
I actually couldn’t make up anything witty, but I didn’t have to. Comments to Gerard’s last question to me were clearly heard.
“Keep your dirty minds away from me!” Bob yelled.
“I don’t even want to know what she replied!” Frank added loudly.
“They’re such jerks”, I snickered.
Gerard sighed.
“You know that now I’m a center of their attention till somebody else won’t fail like this?” he asked.
“Oh, sorry, dear. But there’s nothing I can do for you”, I was actually trying not to laugh.
“Why did you choose him, Ira?!” Frank yelled. “He’s such a loser all the time!”
“Shut up, Frank”, Gerard said firmly.
“Don’t worry. I don’t regret it yet. And I didn’t hesitate”, I told quietly.
“Good then”, he replied in the same voice.