Unfamiliar Ceilings

“When?” I demanded once I’d started breathing again.

“At Hiatus, when I left you on the dance floor.”

Huh, the night before he took my virginity. Classy. I wondered whether I was just his conquest, after all this. I sure as hell thought so after that.

“I really can’t believe you,” I said, my mouth agape. “I honestly cannot even imagine what was running through your mind.”

He took a couple of steps towards me. “Leila, I’m so-” I held up my hand and he fell silent.

“You really think ‘sorry’ is enough?”

“I don’t know what else I can say.”

I glared at him and slapped him. Hard in the face. “Fucking pig.”

Dean stayed as he was, his head angled slightly to the side from the impact of my hand to his cheek. His jaw tensed and his face hardened out.

“I don’t know why you’re so bothered, we weren’t together then!”

I raised my eyebrows and my voice joined it. “Why the hell do you think I’m bothered?! Are you really so dense that you can’t understand?!”

“Understand what?”

I looked him straight in the eye, showing him I wasn’t joking. “That I love you, so much.”

“Leila...”

“Right this minute, I really wish I didn’t.”

I saw hurt flash over his face. “You don’t mean that.”

I looked at the floor before I looked at him again. He was right, of course. I didn’t mean it. I loved him and I didn’t want it to stop because it made everything okay. But obviously, not anymore. He hurt me, so I wanted him to feel hurt too.

“Anyway, I did come here to tell you I was going to stay in London, but now I’m going home and packing my things.”

Dean’s jaw dropped and he mumbled, “No, Leila, please.”

“Too late, I’m going to get Mark to drop me off at the National Express terminal in three days, and you’ll never see me again.”

Dean stayed silent and watched me for any implication that I wasn’t being one hundred per cent serious. I couldn’t look at him, because that would’ve given away that all I wanted to do was forgive and forget everything I’d heard and jumped into his arms. That was something I just couldn’t do though.

“Bye, Dean.” I love you.

*****

Not one single tear had left my eyes until I reached my own bedroom. I got there and collapsed onto my bed, sobbing my heart out for everything it was worth. Here I was, fallen in love for the very first time with just the wrong person to do so with. On the spur of the moment, I got up off my bed when my sobs had subsided and found my gold pen in one of the drawers in the vanity. I went over to my Protége Moi quote on the wall, and scrawled the words, “Protect me from what I want” underneath.

Stephanie made her way up to me a couple of times, each time just sitting there on the end of my bed and stroking my hair, saying all these comforting things in hope that she’d calm me down. Mark came in now and again and sat with me, letting me cry into his shirt.

“What happened?” He would ask every time. I couldn’t answer, because I just kept bursting into tears all over again. The fourth time Stephanie came up to see me, I told her what happened – probably because I could think about it without crying – and by the end of what I told her, she was kind of angry.

“Leila,” she said, and engulfed me in a massive hug, almost crushing my ribcage. But I let her baby me and sniffled into her shirt sleeve, not able to cry. She just stroked my back and rocked me back and forth for a while, until I was hiccoughing gently.

“Honey, I’m sorry this had to happen,” she mumbled into my hair. “It happens to everybody, and you just have to heal and move along.”

I didn’t have it in me to make any argument about it. She asked me if I wanted to go back home, to my mother, and I nodded my head. She said she understood and left me to sleep. I couldn’t stay here now.

*****

The next two days went by really slowly, and I didn’t hear anything from Dean. I was glad about that, because it made leaving a lot easier. I wasn’t glad because I missed him, even though I shouldn’t. Johnny spent a lot of time with me. I guessed he wasn’t talking to Dean either for the time being, but we didn’t talk about him.

“I have to pack everything, Johnny,” I muttered, laughing as he lay upside down on my bed, making stupid faces.

“I’ll go home then,” he said. “I’ll get Anna and we’ll come say bye to you tomorrow, at the coach place.”

I smiled and gave Johnny a tight hug. He really was the most loyal person I’ve ever met in my entire life. I’d miss him a hell of a lot. It was about 7:15PM, Stephanie and Mark had gone grocery shopping and Johnny had just left to go home. I felt like crying again, but I couldn’t. I decided that crying showed weakness, and I didn’t want to be vulnerable anymore. I was throwing folded piles of clothing into my suitcase when I came to something else.

It was Dean’s yellow hoody. I held it in my hands, contemplating whether I should leave it behind. I knew I wouldn’t.

“Leila?” I jumped at the sound of a voice. I looked over my shoulder and saw Dean standing at my door, staring at me. I sighed and went back to packing.

“What are you doing?” he said quietly, coming into my bedroom.

“Packing. I leave tomorrow.”

His face fell and he turned me around, holding both of my hands and gripping them tightly. “No, come on. You weren’t serious about leaving.”

“I was, Dean.”

“Please,” he said, stroking my knuckles. “Don’t leave.”

“Give me a reason to stay here.”

“I love you. There’s your reason.”

I bit my lip and tore my eyes off the floor to look at him. “You can’t tell me that.”

“It’s true. I’m sorry, what else can I say?”

I wrenched my hands out of his grip and felt new tears springing to my eyes. I blinked them back and fumbled around with clean clothes, trying to shove them into my suitcase. My hands were shaking so much it made it near impossible. Dean touched my arm, trying to get me to stop. He couldn’t.

“It wasn’t planned or anything,” he said. “She just...pounced on me.”

“Dean,” I said, pausing for a second. “Sex involves two parties.”

“Leila, please.” He walked around so I was facing him again. “Just let’s talk about it, please.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I muttered. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I knew I’d start crying if I did. Then he’d want to comfort me, he’d hold me and I’d let him do it. I felt his hands grip my arms and his thumbs tracing over my skin lightly. He pressed his lips to mine and I leaned into it for a moment, before I pulled away.”

“Please, Leila,” he begged. “I love you; I’d do anything to change this.”

I bit my lip and stepped away from him. “I don’t believe you.”

“You have to. Please.”

I turned my back on him and quickly scrubbed my eyes, going back to my packing. I shoved his hoody into my suitcase and hoped he didn’t notice. I stopped and tried to calm down.

“Why do you have to fuck around and mess up everything, Dean?” I said quietly.

He ignored that one. “Do you even know what you mean to me?”

I sighed angrily and dropped my arms down to my sides, making my hands connect with my legs and make a slapping sound. “No, Dean. I don’t.”

“Everything, Leila. Absolutely everything.”

I couldn’t breathe again. What I wanted, and what I needed were two complete opposites at that moment. I was to just turn around and forgive him and just melt into him, go back to our little cocoon. But what I needed was for him to leave and stop making this so hard. I knew I couldn’t have forgiven him then; I just wasn’t a big enough person and I was still hurting.

“Say something, please.”

I inhaled deeply. “I can’t.”

I knew I made him angry with that. He slammed his fist into the wall and almost growled. “I’m here to make amends for a fucked up thing that I did to you, and you won’t even listen to me!”

I turned around sharpish and glared. I said, “For one, don’t fucking talk to me like that. You can’t make amends for this! Not now!”

His entire body tensed and I was scared that he was going to punch something again. But he didn’t. His body relaxed and his assumed that blank, empty expression. “Fine, I’ll just leave.”

He was gone before I could say another word.