Love and Conspiracy

Home with Greg. That’s where I found myself headed to. His expression when he opened the door to me was blank. He was completely speechless; however, he stepped out of the doorway and allowed me inside. Glancing over at the fridge, my writing was still spread across the door, untouched.

*Three months later.*

It was halfway through January and I had become the shell of who I used to be. Nothing could bring me happiness anymore and the only time I felt any other emotion, were the times that I allowed myself to think about the past. I tried to block so much of it out of mind, that they had become just faint memories of what I believed was just a dream.

Not to mention, I hardly left the house, especially after deciding that I had already missed too much of the school year to go back. So much for the great education, I used to tell myself. However, I could care less about that anymore; I could care less about anything really.

Greg and I had a mutual agreement once I returned home that we would just not speak to each other. We both realized that we could continue our lives without each other, even if we had to live in the same house. Luckily with no socializing, that meant no more bruises that I needed to hide. Not that it would’ve mattered anyways since I never left the house.

My appearance immediately started to change after coming back home, too. Once my red hair faded into a disgusting orange color, I decided that I need one less thing to remind me of the past. So I dyed my hair dark brown, washing out the rest of my memories.

After so much time of being inside the house and not coming in contact with the sun, my skin had become unhealthy pale, while dark circles formed underneath my eyes. Plus, I had lost a good fifteen pounds, making me look skinnier than ever.

How I spent all those months at home? I couldn’t even tell you. It’s like my mind went on auto-pilot and did all the work for me as my mind shut down. However, everything was about to change extremely fast.

~~~

I stared expressionless out my window, watching the rain fall slowly to the ground on that dreary day. I must’ve sat there for hours because by the time I was snapped back into reality, the clouds had cleared and it was sunny once again.

Three knocks. That’s all it took to make the house echo with noise. It was always silent in there. I waited to hear Greg open the door; however, there was nothing until I heard those three knocks again. I quickly realized that Greg wasn’t home and that I had no other choice, but to go answer the door myself. Not even taking a glance at how I looked, I made my way downstairs.

Midway through the next set of knocks, I opened the door to a blonde haired man with dark roots growing in. My eyes slowly focused on his face, trying to remember where I had seen him before. His face looked shock as he stared back at me.

“Lucy?” he said quietly. His voice was all that it took before I automatically slammed the door shut and stood there shaking. All of my emotions were flooding back into my body as I panicked at what I had just seen. There is no way this is real; I am dreaming. Lucy, wake up.

My heart must have been racing a thousand miles per minute. I had no idea what to do, other than open the door again and prove to myself that I wasn’t just hallucinating this experience. Carefully opening the door, Mike still stood before me. He had a sympathetic look on his face.

“What happened to you?” he carefully said, not moving from his spot. I stared at him in disbelief. After a long moment of silence, I attempted to speak.

“I don’t know,” I croaked, completely surprised at hearing my voice again after all this time. I slowly put my hand over my mouth, emotions flying through my mind at once. “I don’t know,” I repeated a little stronger as my old self started to take hold of my body again. All at once, tears started to pour down my face in sobs as I continued to repeat myself. I shook my head, all the memories coming back.

Before I could fall to the ground in weakness, Mike grabbed my arm swiftly, closing the door behind him and led me to my couch. He sat next to me quietly as I practically cried out a year’s worth of emotions.

“You know, I had planned out everything that I was going to say, but actually seeing you… I’m speechless,” he said softly.

“I’m a monster, I know,” I said between sobs. He looked up at me.

“No, no, that’s not what I’m saying. I guess I just expected you to be exactly the same, happier than ever, but here you are hurting just as much as him,” he answered. My head shot up.

“What?” I whispered, hysterical about even hearing him mentioned.

“He told me everything that happened. I just want you to know that I’m not upset about it, you don’t have to be afraid to talk to me,” he said as I looked away from him. We were silent before he continued, “I guess I’ll just talk for now.” He sighed, “Where should I start… Well, everyone was devastated when we found out you left. Billie, though, he took it the worst. I had no idea why he of all people was so upset about it, but I must’ve been blind not to see it before.

“It took at least a week before Jess finally told me about you guys, but no details. After quite some time, though, Billie finally opened up and told me everything. He was an absolute mess, especially whenever he talked about the night before you left. He took complete blame for you leaving and just couldn’t live with himself. I thought he would eventually return back to his old self, but he’s turned into this constant, bitter guy that no one wants to be around anymore. The only time that he seems to become himself again is when he’s playing music. I mean, he must’ve busted out a good thirty songs after you left.

“He’s not the only one, though. Jess was a total wreck, too, feeling as if she had failed you as a friend. However, her depressed mood lasted only a couple weeks once she realized that there was no turning back time. In fact, she’s totally turned her world around, which is one of the reasons I’m here,” he paused to see if I had soaked it all in yet. I sat there quietly soaking up every word that he said without shedding a single tear. Once he realized that I still wasn’t ready to say anything he continued, “Jess and Chris are getting married.”

“They are?” I finally said, shocked. He slowly nodded. “That’s great,” I said, smiling for the first time in months. “I didn’t mean to hurt anybody. I left because I thought I would be doing the opposite.”

“I guess either way someone would’ve gotten hurt. But you became part of us, it was just so difficult to deal with you being ripped away and no one knew how to get you back. I hardly thought you would come back here,” he answered looking around.

“I had nowhere else to go,” I mumbled.

“You had us,” he said a little irritated before stopping himself, “Look, I’m not here to argue with you that you should’ve stayed. I just want you to know that I’m sorry you felt that you’re only choice was to leave us. We could’ve worked things out.”

“Don’t say sorry, Mike. I’m the one to blame for all of this. I’m the one that’s sorry,” I said, starting to cry again, “I’m so fucking sorry.” He sighed.

“It’s okay, Lucy. I forgive you. I didn’t mean to come here to make you feel like shit,” he said.

“You didn’t need to come here to make me feel that way,” I scoffed.

“Don’t say that. You still mean a lot to all of us,” he replied. I looked away from him and remained silent. “Anyways, let me get to the main reason that I’m here. Jess wants you to be her maid of honor.”

“She does?” I asked, shocked. He nodded.

“She misses you just as much as I have. It would mean the world to her if you came for it.”

“Even after all that I put her through?” I squeaked.

“Of course. Well, she actually doesn’t know that I’m here right now. But she’s made it very clear that she wants you to be there. I figured it’d be a nice surprise,” he answered. I shook my head.

“Look at me, Mike. I can’t go back like this. I would just be dragging along all my pain with me and I don’t want you guys to go through that again after you’ve all gone back to your normal lives.”

“I would hardly call it normal. Plus, you wouldn’t be damning us with anything. Don’t you think that your happiness would return after seeing the old gang again? I know it would for everyone else.” I shook my head even more.

“I don’t think that it’s that easy,” I said sadly. He looked over at me before sighing.

“It’s Billie, isn’t it?” he abruptly said. Hearing his name shot pain throughout me.

“What?” I whispered.

“He’s the reason you don’t want to go back.”

“I don’t know…” I trailed off.

“I really think that it’d do you both good if you saw each other again. You can’t just live your life trying to forget anything ever happened.”

“He made it clear that night. I’m sure that he’s fine and moved on by now,” I said flatly. He shook his head.

“He may not show it, but he’s still a mess. Other than his dad passing away, I don’t think he’s ever shut out everyone from his life this much before. I can’t stand seeing him like that.”

“And you think him seeing me would make that better? I’m sure he hates my guts by now,” I said, wishing that wasn’t true. He shrugged.

“How will you know if you never try?” he questioned. I was lost in deep thought. “Well, Luce. I’ll get out of your hair and let you think about it. I can’t force you to do anything that you don’t want,” he said standing up. I started to panic.

“You’re leaving already?” I asked as my heart started to race.

“I’m staying in a hotel down the street for the night; to give you time to think about whether you want to give it all a chance or not. I’ll stop by in the morning to see what you decide,” he said solemnly, walking towards the door. I quickly got up and ran towards him.

“Mike!” I said, causing him to stop and awkwardly stand in front of me. I bit my lip and wrapped my arms around him for a hug. The long-lost comfort filled me again. After a moment, he put his arms around me, too, squeezing tightly. “Thank you,” I mumbled against his chest. He gently rubbed my back.

“I’ve missed you, Lucy,” he said quietly, letting his emotional side show for the first time that day. I started to cry again.

“I missed you, too,” I answered. He pulled away a bit to look at me.

“Don’t cry. Everything happens for a reason, so whatever you decide to do will ultimately be for the best,” he said sincerely. I hugged him again before letting go. Before walking out the door he stopped himself once more. “Oh, I almost forgot,” he said, pulling a CD from his back pocket, “This is a demo of our CD. We finally got it recorded in the studio. Give it a listen if you want.”

We both smiled at each other before he walked out and closed the door behind him. I stood there motionless, in disbelief of everything that I was just told. As I glanced down at the CD, I immediately wanted nothing more than to listen to their music once again.

I dashed upstairs and got it ready to put in my stereo, that hadn’t been used in months. Before I could press play, though, I stood there shaking uncontrollably, preparing myself for whatever I was going to hear. Not able to take the wait anymore, I closed my eyes and pressed play, sliding down to the floor against my speaker. It took a few seconds before starting up.

“I declare I don’t care no more.
I’m burning up and out and growing bored,
In my smoked out boring room.”

The tears started to fall as soon as I heard his voice. I had forgotten how used to it I had been and how it could comfort me like no other. However, it could bring nothing but pain listening to it at that moment. I focused in on the lyrics once again.

“Apathy has rained on me.
Now I’m feeling like a soggy dream.
So close to drowning, but I don’t mind.

I’ve lived inside this mental cave.
Throw my emotions in the grave,
Hell, who needs them anyway.”

I couldn’t help, but sob even more. It was obvious how he felt about everything just through his lyrics. How the hell did Mike expect me to face him once again after hearing all of this? I’m going to have to tell him no. I can’t go through with it again, I thought to myself.

It didn’t take long for me to fall into a deep slumber; the album on repeat.