Who Can Really Blame You?

I’m really tired, at four AM, and everyone except Carter and I have gone to bed. I go to see where the twins and Hadley are. They’re all three in the guest room, Hadley in between them, and Talia snoring lightly. I go back into the living room, where Carter’s flipping through the stations on the TV.

“I’m tired,” I say, “They’re all in the guest room, so me and you can sleep in my bed if you want to.”

He turns off the TV and stands up.

“Have any pants I can borrow?” he asks me, stretching, “I hate sleeping in jeans.”

“Yeah,” I say, “I think I do, anyways. We might have to settle for old gym shorts.”

“I don’t care,” he replies, following me into my bed room. I kneel by the closet and empty out the trash bag full of clothes, looking for sleep pants. I find a pair of gym shorts that are big enough for Carter and throw them over my shoulder to him. He thanks me, and I continue on my search. I find a pair of gym shorts from 6th grade and laugh at them.

“Look how small these are,” I say, turning to show Carter. He looks at them, and continues kicking off his jeans.

“They’re really small,” he says, “Will they even fit?”

“I don’t care,” I say, “I found pants.”

I stand and undo my button and zipper, before turning to look at Carter.

“Don’t look,” I tell him. He covers his eyes.

“Why not?” he asks anyways. I kick off my jeans and pull on the shorts, which miraculously fit me. .

“You can look now,” I say, and he does.

“Why couldn’t I see?” he asks, climbing under the covers.

My face heats up.

“I have a lot of scars,” I say quietly, “They’re kind of ugly.”

He nods, and tells me turn off the light. I sigh, but flip off the switch anyways and make my way to my bed in the dark. I climb under the covers and snuggle into my pillows, sighing happily.

“Goodnight, Ainsley,” Carter says quietly.

“Goodnight, Carter,” I whisper back.

But I can’t sleep. Carter’s sleeping next to me. Carter kissed me. Carter’s gay.

I like Carter. I sigh, and roll over.

“What’s wrong?” Carter asks, making me jump.

“You scared me!” I whisper. He chuckles.

“What’s wrong?” he asks again.

“I just… Can’t sleep,” I say lamely.

“Me neither,” he admits.

“I figured, since you’re awake,” I say. He doesn’t say anything for awhile.

“What was it like, living with him?” Carter asks.

I hesitate.

“It was like living with a ticking bomb. I never knew when he’d go off,” I finally say.

“Were you ever scared?” he asks.

“Yes,” I whisper.

We don’t talk after that, and for some reason I can sleep.

I wake up, sweating again, and freak when I feel someone’s arms around me. I stop myself from jumping up when I remember it’s Carter in bed with me, and glance down to make sure I don’t have a problem down there. I sigh in relief. What was I dreaming about?

I gently take Carter’s arms from around me, and replace them next to him. I move over further to the edge of the bed, and glance at the time on my alarm clock, to find that it’s only about six in the morning. I remind myself to thank my aunt for making me buy the curtains, which are right now being very successful at blocking out the early morning sun so I can sleep.

I rub my eyes and go back to sleep.

“Get up!” Talia’s yelling. I wake up, and bury my face into my pillow again to ignore her. “Get up lovebirds!” Talia exclaims, leaving the room. I groan, and try to roll over, but I’m being held too tightly to move.

I open my eyes fully to only get a view of Carter’s chest.

“You’re quite the cuddler,” I tell him as he’s waking up. He pulls his arms back quickly.

“Sorry,” he says groggily. I shrug and roll over to get up. I stand up, and stretch.

“Come on,” I say, “I think they’re flipping out.”

“You go ahead,” he mutters, holding a pillow to his chest, eyes closed, “I’ll catch up in a minute.”

I roll my eyes, but leave him alone to sleep. I go into the living room, already knowing I’ll find everyone in the kitchen.

“You two were so cute, all cuddled up,” Talia sighs after we all greet each other. I turn red.

“Shut up,” I mutter, sitting on the counter and demanding some cereal.

“You were,” Talia sighs, “I felt really bad waking you up.”

I roll my eyes and accept the bowl of cereal from Hadley.

“Hey everyone,” Carter says entering as I take my first bite of cereal. I wave with my spoon while everyone else greets him.

“You and Ainsley were so cute cuddling!” Talia exclaims. Carter turns red.

“Leave him alone, Talia,” I say, poised to take another bite, “He’ll cuddle with you later.”

“Only if you’re good,” he tells Talia. She makes a face.

“So what’s happening today?” Hadley asks me. I check the time on the oven.

“I’m going to get a car with my aunt,” I say, “In three hours.”

“Can we come?” Talia asks.

“No,” I say, “You made a scene in the store over those mini corndogs.”

“I was excited!” she protests.

“You faked a seizure, Talia. That old lady was really worried,” Tayler says. She pouts.

“No one can come,” I say, “We’re trying to just do it quickly.”

“That’s what she said,” Tayler mutters quietly. Talia snickers and I just ignore them.

“What are you doing after that?” Hadley asks me.

“Probably chilling here,” I reply, “I need to spend a night alone in my own apartment eventually.”

“How about this one?” My aunt asks.

“It’s ugly,” I tell her. She nods, and we continue to walk through the used car lot of the dealership.

“It has to be here though. This guy owes me a favor too,” she tells me. I nod, and walk up to an older car.

“I like this one,” I say, “It’s very “I’m-a-junior-in-high-school-and-this-is-all-I-can-afford. I like it.”

“It is,” she agrees, and opens the door to look inside, “Get in the driver’s side.”

I do, and I still like it.

“Cassette player,” I notice, “Old school.”

“We can probably make him switch it out for a CD player for free,” she says, opening the glove box, and messing with everything. “You really like this one?” she asks me.

“Yeah,” I say, “It’s perfect.”

“Honey,” she says, “It’s a 1982 Honda.”

“Perfection, in car form,” I say, “Please let me buy it.”

“Fine,” she sighs, “Let’s go get the idiot and buy his car.”