Chasing Chaos

2009

The tattoo was a success. It turned out flawless, with perfect patterns and intertwined colors. I was slightly giddy when Tom, Peter and I arrived back at the flat.

Tom and Peter got along fairly well. They’d spent the two hours I was getting inked talking with one another. Though he didn’t come out and say it, I could tell Tom was sizing him up, seeing if Peter was a suitable match. Tom asked questions about Em, quite casually. He let little indicator questions fall into the conversation, non-chalantly inquiring about Peter’s job history and interests. It was rather funny to me because I could see exactly what Tom was doing and Peter was clueless in the cutest of ways.

As we climbed the steps to the flat, Tom informed me in a whisper that Peter had passed the tests thus far. I didn’t say anything, just smiled and nudged his shoulder before we entered the flat.

Oli and Matt were sitting on the soda, drinking beer and playing a video game. “Go, go, go,” Matt urged Oliver. “Go get that one behind yeh. Come on, man.”

“Piss off, I’ve it sorted,” Oli replied.

Tom immediately took a seat next to his brother on the couch and subsequently took up Matt’s urging. “Right there, Ol. Yeh’ve got ‘im… Aw, wha’ the fuck, yeh’ve jus’ died. Thought yeh ‘ad it sorted.”

“Fuck yeh, Tommy,” Oli spat and some stifled laughing came from Tom. There was something I liked about seeing them together, playful and teasing one another, how brothers should be. Not like how I’d once seen them.

“Matt…” I gathered the drummer’s attention; he paused the game and looked up. “This is Peter Frost. Peter, this is Matt Nicholls.” They exchanged an awkward nod. Peter already looked uncomfortable and I hadn’t even introduced him to Oli; I didn’t have to. They already knew each other.

“Annie?” Tom caught my eyes.

“Hmm?”

“Will yeh get me a beer?” At the sight of me rolling my eyes, he added “Yer already standin’.”

“Oh, I suppose I can do that. I live to serve yeh, yeh know.”

“I know.” He smiled widely at me as I grabbed Peter’s hand and took him with me to the kitchen. Peter was rigid beside me, tense and serious. I didn’t like the feeling of this. Peter was a generally pleasant, relaxed person. This was one of the reasons that I loved being around him so much. It felt wrong for him to be in a blue mood. Affectionately, I squeeze his hand and asked him quietly “Are yeh o’reight, love?”

“Fine,” he responded stiffly.

I frowned. “Yer not fine.”

He was silent and stony faced.

Guilt pooled in my stomach over bringing him to the flat. I’d known something wasn’t right about the Peter/Oli situation but it had been but a blip on my radar. Tentatively, I said “We can leave, ef yeh want…”

He replied immediately with a hasty “No, no… It’s fine.”

“’S Oli, isn’t it?” I inquired in a hushed voice.

He was quiet again.

“E’s a difficult person,” I stated.

“Fuckin’ right...” Peter mumbled.

“Wha’s the deal?” I asked, too curious to leave it alone. “Wha’… wha’ happened?”

“’S nothin…”

“It’s somethin. It’s gotta be.”

Peter shook his head. “I jus’ hate tha guy,” he whispered. “Thinks ‘e’s some big fuckin’ rockstar. Can fuck any girl. Hurt ‘em. Do wha’ever ‘e wants.”

“Yer sister, right?” I wanted to sound as sympathetic as possible.

“Aye… Julie. She’s a bit older than yeh but she’s still my baby sister, yeh know?”

“I’m sorry. I can empathize with ‘er.”

He looked up from the floor and directly into my eyes. His generally very warm brown eyes seemed despondent. “Yeh can?” He realized what I meant. I expected him to be judging or harsh. His expression didn’t change and he muttered “Wha a fuckin’ sod.”

“It were a long time ago…”

“I doubt ‘e’s changed all tha’ much.”

“Prob’ly not.”

“Do yeh—do yeh mind ef I asked wha’ happened with yeh and ‘im?” He asked gently. “It’s okay ef yeh don’t wanna tell me. I’m jus’ curious, not judgin’ yeh or anythin’.”

I shrugged. “I were jus’ a kid and ‘e seemed so cool. Lead singer o’ a band, Tom’s older bruv. I dunno. Seemed glamourous or dangerous or summat…”

“Yeh dated?”

“Somethin’ like that.”

“An’ ‘e hurt yeh?”

“Basically. I guess it were a bit more complicated than tha’ but at this point, it doesn’t matter much…”

“But yer o’reight now? Yeh deal with ‘im?” Peter looked almost shocked that I could do such a thing.

“Yeah, I do. It were a long time ago that it happened,” I reiterated. “An’ ‘s Tom’s brother. I’ve to be cool with it, yeh know?”

He looked at me curiously, like I’d said something totally crazy. Or maybe like he knew there was something more to the story.

Of course, there was more to the story. Like all the firsts Oli was for me. Or the stories of secret moments between us. But Peter didn’t need to know any of that. Not yet anyway.

After a moment of resolution, Peter confidently offered “Ef yeh can deal with ‘im, then I can too. Won’t act so mardy ‘bout it.”

“Aye, yeh can?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Cool.” I briefly stood on my toes and pecked a kiss onto his lips. He looked pleasantly surprised by this action.

I smiled at him just as Tom yelled “Oy! Wha’s takin’ so long?”

“Piss off,” I called. “I’ll take as long as I bloody well want.” I shook my head and looked back to Peter with a grin “Wanna beer?”

--

2005

When I’d told my Mum that Oli had another show and that I was going whether she liked it or not, I thought my brother was going to fall out of his chair at the kitchen table. He was red with laughter while my Mum sat speechless. She was getting used to my defiance and resistance; she was trying to take it in stride. She tried to tell me that she’d rather I didn’t go to anymore shows but I was already putting my shoes on to leave. Sam even said he’d drop me off at Oli’s. By the time I got to the Sykes house, I was feeling viciously triumphant.

Carol greeted me at the door. “’Ello darlin’.”

“Hey,” I grinned.

“Dunno why yeh knock, love,” she said. “Yer ‘ere o’most as much as the boys are.”

“Jus’ bein’ polite.” I wiped my shoes.

“An that’s why yer welcome ‘ere anytime.” She gave me a one armed hug and said “Tom’s up in ‘is room.”

I frowned. “’M goin’ to the gig with Oli.”

Carol shook her head. “Still no luck with Tommy then?”

“Hmm, no.”

“Silly bugger… No worries, Annie, boys are gits until they’re about thirty.”

“So I’ve to wait fifteen years for Tom to come round?” I asked jokingly.

“Hopefully not…” She rubbed my shoulder. “Oliver’s in the toilet, usin’ my flat iron on ‘is hair. Don’t understand why. He ‘asn’t the curly hair like yeh do.”

I laughed and headed for Oli. I appreciated Carol’s support on the Tom matter. After all, Tom’s silent treatment was sort of irrational. He didn’t have any reason to still be angry three weeks later, right?

“So yer Mum let yeh come?” Oli asked when I leaned on the door frame of the bathroom. He was indeed straightening his already flat hair.

“Told ‘er I was goin’ with or without permission,” I stated.

He raised his eyebrows and laughed. “Well yer turnin’ into a regular delinquent.”

“Oh yeah, totally…” I watched him continue with his hair. “So, uh, is Tom ridin’ with us then?” I asked nervously. I didn’t know if I even wanted to see Tom, let alone be next to him in the car.

“’E said ‘e don’t wanna go.”

“Oh…”

“’M sure ‘s nothin’ personal.”

“Ha, right,” I scoffed.

“’E still needs some time.”

“E’s running out o’ time,” I added with a childish pout.

“Don’t be tha’ way. ‘E ain’t even mad anymore, just bloody stubborn.”

“Uh huh…” I saw him reaching for an eye pencil. “Oh god, stop,” I commanded.

“Eh?”

“Don’t yeh dare put that eyeliner on.”

“Why not?”

“Jus’ don’t.”

“Why?”

“It looks right stupid,” I said firmly.

This displeased him and he responded “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Like seriously?”

“Yeah.”

He let the eyeliner fall to the sink and I was glad for it. “There. Now get outta ‘ere, I’ve to pee.”

I rolled my eyes and stepped out of the way while he closed the door with a wink. I smiled in his wake and walked past Tom’s door. I nearly tripped over the person stepping out of the room. Tom had practically materialized in front of me and I nearly threw my arms around him. I hadn’t been sure that I even wanted to be around him, but I knew then that I’d missed seeing him. He’d always been comforting in his presence. So as he stood in front of me, my brain was telling me that this was my Tom, my safety blanket; but he looked so unsettling, confusing. “Can I talk to yeh for a second?” He asked somberly.

“Yes.” My body jolted with excitement.

Tom led us into his room and looked away from me, not making eye contact. “Wha’d’yeh think yer doin’, Annie?”

“Eh?” I spouted automatically.

“Every’un’s tellin’ me yeh’ve been hangin’ out with Oli,” he said gravely, as though this were a crime. “An’ then ‘e told me yer goin’ with ‘im tonight…”

“People are talkin’ about it?”

“Curtis said the two o’ yeh went to London together the other day…”

“’E took me to see Sarah.” The thought of Oli’s kindness still sent a chill through me. And the memory of him holding my hand the whole way there and back still made me itch with nervous elation.

“Yer sister?”

“Aye…”

“Oli took yeh all the way to London to see yer sister?”

“Mmhmm and it were really great. So much fun. Yeh know, I’d not seen ‘er in months. She made us dinner.”

“Jus’ like tha’ yeh went? Yer Mum prob’ly threw a fuckin’ fit about it.”

“She didn’t know.”

“Yeh up and go someplace and don’t tell yer parents? ‘S not like yeh.”

“Yeh say tha’ like I went on a month long holiday to Moscow with ‘im. We were gone all of ten hours.”

“Well, wha’ about the show tonight? Does she know about it?”

“O’ course, she knows.”

“An’ she jus’ let yeh go?”

“She didn’t ‘ave a choice.”

“Wha’d’yeh—“

I snapped just then. “Why does it fuckin’ matter, Tom? Wha’s wrong with yeh?”

“I could ask yeh the same question. Yeh aren’t actin’ like yerself,” he accused.

“’Ow would yeh know wha’ I’m actin’ like? Yeh’ve not talked to me in three weeks.”

“Yer goin’ around with Oli. Tha’s enough explanation… We all know wha ‘e’s like… Yer smarter than this.”

“This is yer brother that we’re talking about, Tom.”

“Aye and ‘e goes through girls like they was socks. Yeh’ve seen it.” His blue eyes were sharper and more startling than ever. “I didn’ know yeh wanted to be one o’ those girls.”

“’S not like that.”

“Like hell it’s not. ‘S always like tha’ with ‘im. D’yeh really think yer different? Tha yer special at all to ‘im? Yer not.”

My mouth popped open, surprised that he could be so callous. It was out of character for him. He was interminably sweet. He’d never said anything so harsh to me. I didn’t even know how to respond to his words. So I just swiftly turned around and exited the room, pulling the door shut behind me.

I nearly knocked Oli over as I turned the corner towards the stairs. “Eh, there yeh are. We’ve got to pick up Curt—wha’s wrong?” He saw the sour expression on my face. It would be impossible not to notice.

“Nothin,” I croaked. “Let’s go.”

He blinked and then nodded, not pressing further. Sometimes, he understood things without having to be told. I’d already noticed this trait a handful of times before. He was perceptive and clever without being forwardly so. He led us out of the house, waving at his parents, who would be going to the show in their own car. He kept shooting me worried looks as we pulled out of the driveway. I knew he wanted me to tell him what was wrong. But I was content to just sit there miserably.

“I didn’ do somethin’ wrong, did I?” He hesitantly asked.

I sighed and shook my head, not wanting him to think this misery was his fault. “Of course not.”

“Then, yeh know, uh, wha’s up?”

“Nothin,” I repeated and crossed my arms over my chest.

“Nothin’ my arse. Yer poutin’.”

“Sorry…”

“Don’t be sorry, jus’ tell me wha’s happened.”

“Yer fuckin’ brother,” I mumbled. “E’s a total tool.”

“’S nothin’ new about that…”

“Right…” I stared out the window and said nothing else. It was juvenile to pout in this manner but I couldn’t stop thinking about the last thing Tom had said, about whether I was special to Oli. I mean, he was right, wasn’t he? I probably wasn’t any different than the rest of the girls he used and threw away. And I didn’t know if I wanted to be any different than them.

Abruptly, Oli pulled the car off to the side of the residential road. I knew this was not Curtis’ house or even his road so I turned to look at him. He in turn was staring at me. His eyebrows dropped low, a look of concern clear. But after a measured moment of studying me, his worried look was then replaced by his sly determined smirk. He leaned over towards me and I thought I might die right then. I couldn’t put myself through this anticipation and disappointment thing another time so I didn’t get my hopes up. I did not think he would do what he did.

His hand found my cheek first, curling to the curve of my skin. I automatically pressed against it. I shouldn’t have felt so astounded when his lips hit mine; he’d taken plenty of time letting me know it was coming. He’d moved impossibly slow, barely moving at all. It was unhurried and deliberate. It was a gentle push and not much more before he pulled away.

“Uh…” I stuttered. “What was tha’ for?”

His hand moved away from my cheek quickly and ran through his hair. “I didn’ know ‘ow else to make yeh feel better.”

“Oh.”

“Did it work?” He asked.

My mouth twitched, an impulsive smile formed. “It helped a bit. Thanks…”

If the first kiss had surprised me, the second was a total shock. Not gentle or easy like the first. Aggressive almost. I locked my fingers with the hair at the base of his neck and both his hands were sliding around my waist. The whole being in a car thing made it a difficult position to maneuver but his arms at my middle, pulling me closer to his body, was thrilling. A surreal rush. His teeth sank into my bottom lip and I tugged on his hair. My returning force made him laugh with amusement and surprise of his own; he had not expected this kind of enthusiasm from me. He’d expected shyness. Pulling away after his laugh, his forehead still pressed to mine, he said “Feelin’ any better yet?”