You Promised

“What’s wrong?” It seemed the question I’m most asked lately. The first was Vincent. He has been asking me it the whole week. I told him but I guess I always look like something’s wrong because he keeps asking.
Next was Quinn. We had planed to go to the movies. He was bringing Jeph and I took Vincent. He kept asking me what was wrong during the movie. I guess there are a lot of thing that are wrong.
Even Jeph asked me what was wrong.
“Dude, what’s wrong? You look sad.”
“It’s nothing.” I answered. A lot of people that ask probably don’t really want to know. After the movie Quinn said he wanted to talk to me so we sent Jeph and Vincent home and went for a little walk.

“What’s wrong?”

“A lot of things. But as they are all connected to me I’m assuming that I’m the worst of them all.” He stopped walking and planted himself in front of me.
“What happened?” He asked looking me in the eyes.

“I remembered. My mother doesn’t talk to me anymore because I’m gay and my dad died.” I told him. “Then, I’m missing home. I’m jealous of Bert McCracken every time I remember the tour we did together, and I’m not proud of that. Also I’m an asshole.”

“No, you’re not.” He’s only saying that because he doesn’t know. If only he knew everything he would agree, but I can’t tell him. I can’t, I’m not capable of telling him.

“I’m not finished. I’m gay since I met Gerard. Do you think that’s fair?” I asked him. I wasn’t talking about me but Jamia. I was gay when I met her and I still dated her.
“But you were dating Jamia during-”
“Do you think that’s fucking fair?” I shouted at his face.
“No. It isn’t fair, but you can’t blame yourself for being confused or scared. I know what I’m talking about.” I said grabbing my chin so I was looking at him. I bit my lip and look down again.
Of course he knew. He was gay too, he went through the same.
Of course there are a lot of people that went through the same. There are a lot of people that went through things worse and they deal with it. I can’t deal with things.
Quinn hugged me. “Come on. Don’t worry. Everything will be okay.” Even if I knew things were not going to be alright I forced myself to believe Quinn, I needed to believe Quinn.

“I think I’m gonna call my mother.”
“You are?” Vincent asked. We were having breakfast. I hadn’t slept much, I kept thinking about my mother and Gerard, the band, Quinn, my dad… Pretty much everything came to my mind and I thought really hard about it. I’m going to call my mother and get it over with, that way it might leave my mind. “I thought you didn’t talk to your mother.”
“I don’t, but that’s about to change.”
“Do you remember the number?”
“I’ll look in the list.”

“Did you find anything yet?” Vincent asked. I was trying to find my mothers number on the list and Vincent was just sitting on the couch watching TV and pretending he cared every five minutes.
“Wait, I think I found it. It’s a Linda Iero.” I said getting up to look for a pen and paper. I came back with them and wrote down the number.
“When are you calling her?”
“Now?” I said unsure. It might be a better idea to call now before the courage wears off.
“You know where the phone is.” Vincent said shrugging. Thanks for the support, buddy.

“Yes?” Came a voice I didn’t remember from the other side.
“Hum… Hey, it’s me, Frank.”
“Franklin? Why are you calling? I thought I had left it pretty clear I don’t-”
“I just thought you’d want to know I lost my memory.” I cut her off.
“So you don’t remember anything?” She asked with a little hint of hope in her voice.
“I remembered some things.”
“So you forget the reason why I don’t talk to you?”
“No, mom. You don’t forget something like that.” I said.
“Then we have nothing else to talk about.” She said. Next I heard a click and the phone call was over. I put the phone back in its place and sat on the couch. My mind was blank. My mom didn’t want me anymore because of the person I am. No wonder I used to be an asshole, it’s the ‘My mommy didn’t like me’ excuse.
Yes, I’m blaming my mother for everything. I need someone to blame and she’s just there in the right place. She was the reason I didn’t want to tell anybody else about me and Gerard, I’m sure. So I started drinking because that’s what I do when I can’t handle my problems. She’s the cause of everything. All of this because mommy didn’t love me.

“Frank?” Vincent called. I didn’t answer. As long as my mouth kept shut my tear would stay where no one could see them.

“Frank?” He tried again.

“My mom hates me. She doesn’t care.” I whispered. “She’s my mom and she can’t accept who I am.” I was crying again. I didn’t want to but I was feeling a lump in my throat and I was starting to feel a lack of air so I breathed it in and the tears fell out.

“She’s your mom. She’ll come around.” Vincent tried to smooth me. He knew he was lying, even I knew he was lying and even if I wanted I couldn’t believe him.

Mommy didn’t love me and she never will again.

I didn’t think it was true, but now I know.
What Gerard said was true. Everything. And the saddest part of it all is knowing I haven’t changed a bit.

I’m craving a drink right now.