Words I Couldn't Say

I walked inside past the confused looks on my parents’ faces and on Kevin’s parents’ faces. Joe, Nick, and Abby looked up at me as I made my way through the living room to the stairs. Kevin was following me, begging with me to stay and talk but I ignored him. Finally I reached the sanction of my room. I closed the door and pressed my back against it, sliding down to the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Two years of pent up anger leads… to this.

I forced myself off of the floor and over to the bed where I flopped face down into my pillows. The tears poured down my face. I don’t even know why I was crying so hard… I was just so mad. Why does he want to pretend like nothing ever happened between us?

“Knock, knock.” A muffled voice said from the other side of my door.

“Go away.” I mumbled.

“Shell. It’s me. Come on, open up.”

I sighed and stood up from the bed, straightening my clothes out. I flattened my hair and wiped the tears from my face and opened the door to see Joe pouting at me. He opened his arms wide and I practically collapsed into them. We moved into my room and he closed my door.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked. I shook my head no… then I thought about it… and shook my head yes. He laughed and we sat on my bed across from one another. “Spill.”

“Two years ago… Kevin was my world. You know that.” I said and he nodded. “When you guys left it was like… my life was empty. My best friends and my boyfriend were gone and I barely got a goodbye. That’s not how I wanted to end things.

“Then when I tried calling or sending e-mails I never got replies. I know you apologized but you have no idea how much it hurt me. Especially since I was in love with Kevin.”

“Wait… you loved him?” he asked softly. I bit my lip and nodded my head.

“Actually… I think a little part of me still does love him.” I admitted.

“Wow Shell,” he said, running his fingers through his hair. “That’s really great. You should tell him.”

“That’s why I’m up here. I almost did tell him but I chickened out. What if he never felt that way about me?”

****

Joe’s POV

I bit my lip and held back. I was the only person who knew that Kevin had been in love with Michelle. In fact, he never stopped loving her. He confided in me and now she had done the same. What am I supposed to do knowing that my brother and my best friend still love each other but when they were together neither of them said it?

“You’ll never know unless you tell him.” I finally said. She hadn’t seemed to notice the delay in my answer.

“I don’t think I can do that Joe.”

“Sure you can Shell.”

“No… not after tonight.”

“Did something else happen?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“He said that he wanted us to start over. To pretend like nothing ever happened between the two of us… that we were just friends.” She said sadly.

“Well… maybe you should do that.” I said. She shot a look at me and hit my arm. “No hear me out! You can start over as friends… and then learn to trust him again. Maybe you two will start dating again… if you don’t… maybe it’s just not meant to be.”

“I guess you’re right but… what if we do get back together. I’m a high school senior Joe. I have to look at colleges I have to have a life while you three will be off earning money by doing what you love.”

“We’ll get around that obstacle once we get to it. For now let’s just worry about the present.”

“Okay… yeah, you’re right.”

“So you’re gonna do it?”

“Yeah,” she said, nodding her head. “I’m gonna do it.”

****

I got up and left the room. Joe followed behind me down the stairs and to the living room where Abby, Nick, and Kevin were talking. I stood defiantly in front of Kevin who looked up at me confused. I glanced back at Joe who nodded his head.

“Alright. I’ll do it.”

“You’ll…”

“I’ll do this whole starting over as friend’s thing. I’ll pretend that we… that we never were… us.” I said, swallowing the lump that had risen in my throat and taking a deep breath.

“You will?” he asked standing up, a hopeful look in his eyes.

“Yeah… I will.” I said, looking up at him.

His hazel eyes were shining bright and he smiled. He opened his arms wide and I hesitated at first before finally stepping forward and letting him hug me. For the first time in two years. As soon as he let go I stepped away.

“Excuse me,” I whispered. I quickly walked towards the downstairs bathroom and closed the door. The cold water from the sink is exactly what I needed. I let it run to as cold as it could get before splashing some on my face. My hands gripped the side of the sink as I looked up into the mirror.

I don’t know if I can do this.