Love the One You're With

We Were Eight
We always went skating together. He played hockey so he skated much faster than me. He'd skate circles around me, but was never too far away. If I'd fall which I sometimes did, he always stopped and helped me up. That's what best friends did. We'd get hot chocolate and walk home together. Sometimes he’d hold my hand. Even at eight years old I loved Zach.

****

That was so long ago and so much has changed. I hadn't talked to Zach in 3 years. I had so many memories like these. When I was eight I always thought Zach would be there for me. Now that I was 24 I realized it wasn't true.

There is this song that my parents played for me when I was a kid. It goes something like "If you can't have the one that you love, love the one your with." That's exactly what I was doing. When Zach and I parted ways 3 years ago, I dated a lot, slept around a lot, but I'd since graduated college and had a real job. I was living in Pittsburgh now and that's where I met Joe.

Joe was the perfect boyfriend. He was funny, sweet, and he loved me completely and totally. He was gorgeous, like drop dead gorgeous. I'd always see random girls checking him out. We had been dating for six months. He took me to a ski resort. At the top of the mountain at a romantic dinner in our hotel room, he popped the question. My first thoughts after he asked me to marry him were of Zach, but the words to that song rang through my head. I knew Zach was never going to be an option for me so I said yes.

Here I was, engaged to an amazing man who loved everything about me. I should be happy, I mean really happy. I should want to plan a wedding. I should want the white dress. I didn't want any of it, and I wasn't happy, not really. But...this is the life that I chose, and I was going through the motions. There was only one person left in my life who knew me well enough to know how I really felt, Sidney.

When I moved to Pittsburgh, I tried to stay away from hockey all together, you know a clean start. It wasn't possible. I went to a Penguins game and Sidney Crosby noticed me. 17,000 people in Mellon Arena, and he noticed me. Zach and I went to high school with Sidney in Minnesota. It only took a couple weeks for Sidney to find me, cuz let's face it, Pittsburgh is not that big of a place. We've been hanging out together ever since. The one deal we had is that he was not allowed to let Zach know anything about me.

Last year when he moved out of Mario's and bought his own house, Sid asked me to be his roommate. Sid didn't want to live alone and thought I would make a better roommate than the guys on the team. I loved spending time with Sidney, so I agreed. Being with Sid made me feel closer to Zach. I knew deep down that all I ever had to do was say the word and Sidney would have Zach there in a heartbeat. I was convinced that I would never need him, but just in case.

So Sidney Crosby was the one person who knew me well enough to know I wasn't in love with Joe. He knew all about my history with Zach. Now I had to tell him about my engagement. I knew he wouldn't take it well. I got home Sunday night after my ski weekend with Joe. There were other cars in the driveway, but I knew I'd chicken out if I didn't tell him now.

I went down stairs where the guys were hanging out. "Phoebe!" Sid jumped up and wrapped me into a hug. "Come sit down and watch movies with us."

I said Hi to Kris, Jordan and Marc-Andre who were sitting around Sid's living room. "Can we just talk for a minute?"

"Sure Pheebs what's up?"

"In private?"

We walked upstairs to the kitchen. "What's going on? You look serious."

I held up my hand and showed Sidney the large emerald cut diamond that now sat on my finger. "Oh come on you are not engaged." Sid said.

"I am Sid; I said yes."

"Phoebe you cannot marry someone you don't love."

"He's a good guy Sidney."

"But you don't love him." Sid replied.

"You know Sid, everyone else I tell is going to be so happy for me. They’re going to say I'm a lucky girl." I had tears welling up in my eyes.

"No one else knows you like I do. You can't marry him. Why don't you call Zach and talk to him first before you do anything crazy?"

With the mention of Zach's name the tears began to fall. Sidney felt bad for making me cry; I could see it in his pretty hazel eyes. He pulled me in close to him and held me. "Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be your friend if I just told you what you want to hear."

"There is no way I’m calling Zach!”

So What happened? Why aren't Zach and I Together?

Zach and I had been best friends for years. When we got old enough to understand what it meant to be in love, we were already in love. Zach and I were each other's first for everything, first love, first kiss, first Everything. I even went away to the same boarding school because we didn't want to be apart. Hockey was so important to Zach and for a couple of weeks we broke up because he said he didn't have time for me. I was 17 and devastated. I got drunk on some cheep vodka that my friends smuggled in, and I slept with Sam, the goalie from Zach's team. Within two weeks Zach realized he'd made a mistake, and we were back in each other's arms.

A couple years later Zach and I went out with a some guys from his high school team. Sam got drunk and was draped all over me. Zach got pissed off, and pulled him off me. That's when Sam told Zach about our night together. Zach lost it. Even though he had broken up with me at the time, Zach said he couldn't stand to look at me knowing another guy touched me.

I can still remember the tears in his eyes as he walked away from me. I truly thought we'd be apart for two weeks, and he'd be back. I couldn't live without him so I was sure he couldn't live without me, and he just needed time to cool off. Soon afterward training camp started for the Devils, his first season in the NHL. Zach never called.

I followed Zach's career and watched as many games as I could. After his first NHL goal, I thought he'd call me. After his first hat trick, I thought he'd call me. Zach never called. The last thing he said to me was, "I can't stand to look at you."

For years I blamed myself for sleeping with Sam, for not telling Zach right after it happened, for not calling him and making him talk it out with me. Now I knew he just didn’t love me enough to forgive me.

****

We Were Twelve

We went to an afternoon showing of Scream 2. Zach always liked horror movies, and he always dragged me to see them. I'd only see them in the daytime, because I wouldn't walk home in the dark afterward. I was nervous from the moment the movie started, horror movies always made me nervous. "It's OK. I'll put my arm around you." Zach said.

I snuggled into him. Each time I'd jump he'd hold me tighter. I kept noticing him looking at me, which was weird, this was the movie he wanted to see. I looked up at him and our eyes locked, he leaned down and kissed me. My eyes got wide, because I wasn't expecting it, but I kissed him back. It was awkward, but it was fun too. Zach and I had kissed before, but not like this. We spent the rest of the movie discovering how fun it was to make out.
That was my first real kiss and the first of many many times Zach gave me butterflies.

****

I was having breakfast with Sid, and I noticed Sid kept looking at me funny.

"What?" I asked.

"I don't want to tell you," he replied.

"Ok fine, don't tell me." I was irritated with him anyway. He kept giving me a hard time about saying yes to Joe.

"I actually have to tell you."

"Whatever Sid, tell me, don't tell me just do it quick cuz I have to get to work."

"I did something, and you are going to be mad. Really mad, I think."

"Spill it Crosby!"

"We play the Devils on Thursday...I invited Zach to stay here for a couple days."

"You WHAT? Sidney Patrick Crosby, you broke our deal."

"Oh no I didn't. He doesn't know you're here. He has no idea you even live in Pittsburgh."

"I can't believe you!" I said getting up from the table.

"Pheebs, I just want to help."

"When does he get here?" I asked.

"Wednesday."

"I'll stay at Joe's."

"Talk to Zach Phoebe, tell him your getting married."

I was panic stricken, not only was Zach going to be in Pittsburgh, he was going to be here in this house. I tried really hard to remain calm. I did know that Sid was just trying to help. "Sidney, has Zach ever once mentioned me? I mean even once?"

"No, but..."

I cut him off. "But nothing, the three of us were friends right, and he's never asked if you'd heard from me or knew where I was. Sid, he doesn't care about me. I've faced that, now you have to."

"I just can't believe your not even going to tell him."

"Right you can't believe that, but I can't believe it's been three years, and he hasn't even tried to find me." I took a deep breath. "I've got to get to work Sid. Do me a favor, and don't try to get us together while he's here. It'll just break my heart again."

The thought that Zach was going to be so close made my heart do flips. I could tell Sidney that I didn't want to see him, and I could try to believe it myself, but I knew full well I wanted to see him. It was going to be a huge personal struggle to stay away from him. I called Joe who was thrilled that I was going to be staying with him for a couple of days.

I woke up Wednesday morning and packed my bag. I debated about putting the pictures away that were in my room. What if Zach wandered in here and saw the photos, of me and my family, of me and Joe or the one picture I still had of him and me. I really didn't have time. I had to get to work. I walked into the kitchen where Sid sat eating cereal. I walked over and gave him a big hug.

"I'm sorry I've been such a bitch Sid."

"I'm sorry you have to leave," he replied.

"I'll miss you Sid. But maybe spending some time with Joe is just what I need."

"Please talk to Zach." Sid begged.

"Sidney, You know I can't. You didn't see me when we broke up. I nearly lost myself Sid. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I didn't know what to do I just freaked. It took me so long to get over it. Believe me, you don't want me to get back to that. He'd just crush me again." Sid looked down. "Sidney. Promise me you won't try to get us together. Promise!"

"I promise." Sid said. I couldn't know that he crossed his fingers behind his back.

I gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Oh, and keep him out of my room." I grabbed my bag and headed to work.

****

"Hey Sid, Thanks for letting me stay here." Zach said. "I get kinda sick of staying at hotels."

"Anytime man. You can put your stuff in the guest room. It's the first room on the right."

Zach walked down the hall and opened the first door on the right. He put his bag on the bed and sat down. The room looked surprisingly feminine for Sidney Crosby's guest room. He looked around and saw something familiar out of the corner of his eye. It was a picture frame, he had one just like it. He stood up and walked over to the desk where the photo sat. The familiar frame held the same photo as his. It was him and Phoebe at their homecoming senior year. What the hell was Sidney doing with that. "Sid!" Zach yelled. He looked a little closer at the other photos that were in the room. There she was, Phoebe with some other guy. What the fuck was going on. "Sidney!" He yelled again.

"Hey man not this room, across the hall," Sidney said coming to the door.

"What's going on here Sidney?"

"I'm not allowed to talk to you about it."

"She lives here?"

"I can't say."

"Where is she Sid?" his voice displaying his anger.

"I can't say," Sidney said again.

"How long has she been here, in Pittsburgh, in your fucking house?" Zach was getting the wrong idea.

"The person you are referring two, the one I'm not allowed to talk to you about, she might be my roommate."

"Knock it off Sidney, tell me about her, tell me everything."

"Look, I care about her man. She's my best friend and she doesn't want you to know anything about her. I can't betray her. I brought you here for a reason; I got you into this room so you'd know, I just can't tell you why."

"Is this some kind of game Sid? I want to see her. I want to know where she is."

"I think if you look at those other photos you can guess where she is."

"With this guy?"

Sidney shrugged. "Look Parise; I got you here; I showed you that she lives here. The rest is up to you. She's probably already never going to talk to me again."

"Sid is she coming home?" Sid shook his head no. "How am I going to find her?"

"I can't say anything else. I'm going out. Make yourself at home, and whatever you do make her talk to you."

****

I worked as director of an art gallery in the Strip District. I loved my job! It was the one thing in my life I felt passionate about. I sold two pieces of art today, and made a nice commission, I should add. I hadn't even stopped to think about Zach today. At the end of the day I realized I had forgotten, of all things, my engagement ring. It was so new, I just wasn't used to wearing it. I couldn't go to Joe's without my ring. I called Sidney.

"Hey Sid. Are you at home?"

"Nope."

"Cool. I'm going to stop at the house. I forgot my ring. You're not coming home anytime soon are you?"

"No Phoebe. I won't be home for awhile." I had no way to know he was keeping a valuable piece of information from me.

I pulled into the driveway thankful that I would have a little time. I thought I'd change before I headed over to Joe's. He was taking me to dinner. I could wear my suit, but since I was home I could put on a cute little dress. He'd probably like that. I took off my Jacket and kicked off my heels as I walked into the house. I walked to my bedroom and was about to unzip my skirt when I heard someone yell. "Sid, Sidney is that you?" I tried to get to my door to close it before I had to see him, but I wasn't quick enough. There he was standing in my doorway with the eyes I never thought I'd see again. I gasped.

"Phoebe?"