Swim or Drown?

Im a regular girl i guess you could say. I don’t have the most amazing life, but I’m living. I live with my Grandma Marie. Thats were i got my middle name from. The reason why i live my grandma is a very long story and i really don’t feel like asking for pity in one of those lame flashback things with the ‘*’ signs. So I will just calmly explain my life story. Before i begin i wanted to say that im recording part of my life ((this document)) as an over the summer project for a writing assignment that will help me get into a higher English program for high school. I have always been a straight A, read all the time,over achieve, kinda girl.

So here we go...

I use to always try to be better then my younger brother so i would get some recognition. But i guess that all changed when my little brother Chase died..[Chase]
was only but two years younger then me. He died when i turned 15, so he was 13. About a week after my 15th birthday i had a huge piano recital, and Chase didn’t want to come, he has lately never been into spending any time with the family. When we were little kids we were always close but as he got older and as i got older we kinda inched apart, around the age 12 he completely hated me and i always had this feeling he was hiding something from me. But i could never fully grasp it.

But not only did i find out in the end, i found out in the worst most possible way. I was ready for my piano recital and i came downstairs to find my brother watching TV not dressed nor ready. I started yelling at him...

“You fucking teenager, get your god damn ass off the couch and come support me!! You are such and ungrateful Ass you won’t talk or look at me nor will you won’t support me!!” He just stared at me and stood up and it all just went down hill then.

He slapped me hard across the face.

“You are a dumbass straight A student, thats for sure, Do you even know whats going on with your favorite most perfect daddy of yours???!!” He spoke loudly.

I didn’t know where this outburst was coming from, I was so confused. I was talking about going somewhere not out family. ?

I of course loved both my parents equally but he was always keen on pleasing me the most out of the family.

“Don’t you dare fucking hit me! EVER, You don’t deserve to be on this fucking Earth!” I yelled, as my face began to sting.

“Neither does your fucking ‘Daddy’, He motioned air quotes. “Hes cheating on Elizabeth!!”. (my mom) I couldn’t say anything. “Do you wanna now how Damn long?!” “Since you were 5!! Little miss fucking perfect!”.

I Grabbed his wrist and turned it over revealing scars. Some were fresh scabs and others were what looked like months past scars.

“What the fuck have you done to your god damn self, you fucking emo!!” I never had the best mouth :/

“I have been keeping this god damn secrete forever Lily I have know since i was fucking 10, 3 god damned years! The only reason i didn’t tell Elizabeth was because of your ass! If i would of told when i found out, what would you fucking do. It would tear our ‘perfect’ family!! Or what you think is perfect!”

“You fucking Pratt! why the hell would you say something like that! You are a lair!!” I wasn’t planning only going along with his shit.

“You think i would fucking lie about something so serious, you think i would cut myself so i could take my mind off of your horrible father figure!?” It made sense now that i could see it. After Chase turned 2, my mom had some periods were she wasn’t the best looking and each day my dad would come home later and later and maybe even stay out the whole night. It kept going and he just said it was part of his job. I guess I believed him. But now? I couldn’t believe Chase.

“I, I don’t believe you Chase!”

“Stop thinking this fucking screwed up world is innocent! Your god damn father cheated, and is cheating on Elizabeth!” he corrected himself and i could just see the pain and sorrow boiling in his eyes. “Shut the fuck up!”,I had tears in my eyes now “If you don’t like this fucking world then get off of it you suicidal freak!”

I didn’t mean that but i wasn’t going to believe my ‘Daddy’ would do such a thing. “Fucking fine then, you live with the god damn burden, I won’t!” Chase ran up the stairs and that was the last time i ever saw him alive.

 I dried my tears and walked up stairs to gather my family. We all drove except Chase to my piano recital. I preformed to my best ability and was given an award for best preformance. I still had everything that me and Chase had exchanged replaying in my head and when i got home my dad left and my mom headed for the ice cream. I sighed and started believing more and more what Chase had said. I walked in my room to find a piece of paper. I set down my award and scanned the note.

-Lily-
Well back from our convo I decided to go ahead with your good advice
You are the one with the burden. I left the world. Just like you requested. Tell everyone i loved then except Mike, You can tell him to suck it, or go get his whore to suck his.
No matter what has happened between these horrible 3 years, I loved you.
But now im no longer here to say I love you. Don’t worry I’m safe.
-Chase-

I dropped the note and rushed to his room. No Chase. I ran into the bathroom and my heart exploded.

There lay Chase in a over flooded porcelain bathtub with blood spilling out with each bob of his unconscious body. I screamed at loud as i could muster threw the tears that were bubbling over my eyes. I ran to Chase and lifted him out of the bathtub to see he had sliced his neck with a sharp knife.

He had cut right threw the Superior Thyroid Vein. He was dead. Chase Miller Sparks was pronounced dead August 26th 2007.

After my Brothers death i always thought that is was my fault. To this day I still believe I killed him. My mom became depressed and well my dad moved out with a whore. Just like Chase had told me, Mike was cheating on our mother. Before he moved out Mike tried to talk to me and tell me he is still my ‘dad‘ I loved. That ment nothing to me, if he never cheated on Elizabeth Chase wouldn’t of had to carry around the burden. He, he wouldn’t be dead.

But you can’t reverse the past. After August 26th I CHANGED. I lost all my friends including one of my very best friends. Alexander William Gaskarth. He ment the world to me.
I guess everything changes. I kept 3 friends, Jack Barakat, Zack Merrick, Carly Hamilton. They all helped me and are helping me live. Now brings me back to my present. I live with my grandma. She is bearable, but when i turn 18 i plan to move in with one of my friends and study for college until i get excepted.

I work now as a Lifeguard. Down at the Maryland community pool. Everyone is there ALL THE TIME. No one needs me there ever. I wouldn’t be much help considering how my brother died. Water. I Don’t take baths now and i spend most of my nights in my room, writing. I hope to become a editor, or anything that has to do with writing.

I express my feelings in poems and short stories. Over the years i have filled up a lot of notebooks, over 5 actually. I sometimes write lyrics but i have never thought about singing. Singing for me is ment for the shower.

Since I’m the shy girl at school I’m basically invisible to everyone. Which is how i want to be. I have never had a boyfriend. I’m not into relationships considering my parents and my grandparents relationships all ended badly. And the only other males who give me a second glance is Jack and Zack and they are my friends. The only person i have ever had a crush on was Alexander William Gaskarth. Alex never knew about my brother Chase or why i had suddenly become dead inside, I lost him and now we never speak. We even live across from eachother. All my friends live in the same neighborhood thats why all my best friends are also best friends with eachother. I guess the 4 of us are a close knit couple of friends :) I like it that way i suppose. I have never really thought about spreading my social wings and flying. I read a lot, I love to read romance novels.

In a way it lets me live my fantasies threw another person. I work also as a CPR instructor and i teach children to swim. Although i have nothing of a love life, I hope to have kids one day.

I finished typing my last sentence as my grandma’s frail voice rang over my music. I paused my Ipod and threw it in my bag. I scanned my writing and saved it. I walked down the stairs to find my grandma sitting on the opposite side of the two sitter dinner table. I sat down and smiled politely at my grandmother.

“Goodmorning Honey”. She scrunched her wrinkled features into a smile that shows her crows feet. I have grown to love that smilie.

“Morning ma”. Ma is what she requested me to call her, but now i enjoy calling her by a nickname.

“Elizabeth called me this morning.” Her smile faded along with mine.

“And.” I mumbled hoping to shrug off the subject.

“She said she hasn’t been feeling up to par and is coming to visit you soon.”

“Shes probably not fucking feeling well because of all the god damn drugs that are in her!” I set my fork down loudly and picked my plate up. I walked over to the sink and dumped my plate. This subject always hit a nerve. I loved my mom to death but i had lost all respect for her when she started doing heavy drugs to make her ‘happy’. We had offered rehab, she refused. She promised me she would stop but i don’t think she followed threw with her promise. Since i had to move out because of my environment i get visits from her.

I looked at the time and i rushed up stairs to get dressed in [THIS]
I have always been into fashion since i was alittle girl. I also express my feelings threw the way i dress. Over my animal print bathing suit i slipped on my regular life guard attire and grabbed my bag, sunglasses, keys, and life saver. I rushed down stairs kissed my grandma goodbye and headed out to the car for a long semi-relaxing day.