Baby It's Fact

Later Deanna cornered me and Alex.

"There's no way she's related to you, she's too hot and then you go and marry Alex? What's wrong with me?"

I was genuinely scared now. I was going to die and even worse, it was Alex's crazy aunt who would kill me.

"Did I turn you to the other side or something?"

Now I wasn't scared, I felt like a douchebag. Because of the look on her face, I wanted to tell her everything that had happened since that night in Vegas. Alex on the other hand looked like he didn't give a shit, which would be weird considering that they were more like brother and sister than aunt and nephew.

"Dea, stop it. You know how he is."

She laughed.

"Okay, it was worth a try, Lexy."

I had to laugh here.

"So she's allowed to call you Lexy, but I'm not?"

"Yeah well, you do it anyway!"

Deanna pretended to make barf noises.

"Deanna Elizabeth Gaskarth, grow up! Find it in your stone heart to be happy for Alex and Jack!" we heard from the other room.

I started shaking my head.

"Dea, even your own mother-"

"Jack shut up."

Ooh well I guess I knew who was Alex's favourite then. He was dead later. I wouldn't kill him, I'd just find a random Essex kid to. He had to have annoyed some people here, right? The next thing out of his mouth surprised me.

"Don't get in a mother fight with Deanna."

I ignored him.

"Yeah, don't take out all your insecurities on me just because people have to jog round your mum for exercise."

Bitch move there. And I couldn't say anything back because her mother was in the next room
and was also Alex's grandmother and I actually liked her mother. Not that I didn't like my mother...

So I had to make them about her. I hated it when shit like this happened.

"God's thinking of recalling you because of how ugly you are!"

She looked confused for a second.

"At least I'm not so fat, I put mayonnaise on aspirin!"

I turned to Alex.

"You told her about that?!"

He went pale.

"I swear down I didn't, Jack. You know I wouldn't."

I had a brainwave. I rarely did, so this was an achievement. Even better, it was a good brainwave.

"Deanna?" I asked sweetly.

She was even more suspicious.

"Are you jealous that you only swallow your mother jokes, while I get to swallow...other things?"

I looked at Alex pointedly so that she'd understand.

Her face went from "Oh hell NO!" to beyond pissed. I tried to get behind Alex.

"Alex, move." she said through gritted teeth.

I felt sorry for him at this point. His crazy ass Aunt or crazy ass husband?

"Why, what's your problem anyway?"

If something would make me have a higher opinion of Alex, then it'd be this.

"My problem? My problem?"

"That is what I asked, yes."

She got even angrier.

"My problem, as you so very nicely put it, is that I think I'm a lesbian or at least bi and it was your dumbass friend who makes me think that!"

I think I need more cursewords.