Don't Remember Me

I almost couldn’t believe my ears. The words that had passed Brynden’s pretty pink lips were terrible, inaccurate, and so, so, sad.

“It’s okay… you don’t have to force yourself to be with me anymore…,” He had said. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he really meant it, that he meant for me to be happy with whoever I had chosen.

But the conversation with Hayden had gone much too… strange.

Hayden sat there on his bed, waiting to be reprimanded… or hit, whichever one came first. I think he expected to be hit, abused, hurt the way I had been hurt because every time I so much as breathed he flinched and shivered, shutting his eyes tightly and stopping his breathing. And I meant it when I said he deserved it. He deserved to be beat up for what he did. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Why? Because I was much too sentimental. Besides, I’m better with words than I am with my fists.

“Daemyn, I’m sorry, I was drunk I… I wasn’t thinking,” he apologized before I could say anything.

“But why, of all thingsrape me?” I questioned, my eyebrows furrowing. He took a deep breath before continuing any speech, apparently trying to recollect his words so they didn’t come out wrong.

“Because… deep down…,” he shut his eyes, almost seemingly not able to say it. His hands were squeezing together so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. “I really… w-wanted to have sex with you.”

I shook my head, barely believing it. “That’s not an excuse to rape me, Hayden.” I tried to make my tone firm and for the most part, I succeeded.

“I-I know…,” he whispered, his voice breaking. Any other time, I’d have felt bad for forcing him into a corner, but this was different. “But I just… I liked you…” He finally admitted.

I didn’t expect that even after hearing him say that he had wanted to have sex with me. After all, knowing Hayden it could’ve just been curiosity that led him to thinking of sex with another guy and after all, I’m bisexual so I’m okay with guys. I could’ve sworn that would have been the reason for the rape. But no, I never would’ve thought that he could… like me.

And if he had told me just a few weeks before Brynden and I had started to go out, I would’ve said that I felt the same way, even if he had still raped me. If that made sense.

But seeing any kind of look of hurt on Brynden’s face would be heartbreaking. And if I had to, I would choose Brynden’s happiness over Hayden’s friendship. I cared about Brynden way too much to hurt him like that. And besides, if I wasn’t with him… I don’t think I’d be happy either.

I loved the way Brynden was so earnest and kind and selfless. It was a real contrast to my personality and that was what glued us together so uniquely and perfectly. I really couldn’t let him go and having him as just a friend wouldn’t be enough.

“Hayden…,” I decided to let him know that truth. “If you had said that before I began going out with Brynden… I'd have reciprocated those feelings.”

He looked a little hopefully at that, but not very because he knew there was still a ‘but’ coming after that sentence.

“But for some reason I can’t leave Brynden alone,” I told him.

There was a long silence before either of us talked. “What… what do you really like about him…?” Hayden asked. Not in a ‘why-is-he-better-than-me’ way, but in a ‘is-he-good-enough-for-you’ way.

I smiled fondly before answering, “His innocence.”

Out of all the things that were really good about him, his innocence was my favorite part, namely because it was just too cute.

Hayden let out a shaky breath before asking, “Can we… still be friends…?”

I looked down before sighing and saying, “I don’t know…”

Reaching out for the door handle, I was ready to leave. Hayden’s voice stopped me with a request. “I’ll… see you later?”

“Probably,” I told him before walking out the door and shutting it behind me. We both knew that meant I chose Brynden.

I was sure how to face Brynden so I just made my way downstairs as he stood up. His face told of anxiousness, worry, and… tears?

“It’s okay… you don’t have to force yourself to be with me anymore…,” he whispered and I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. By his tone and his words, I realized that the thought I had chosen Hayden.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of the request. And then I wrapped my arms around him tightly, pulling him into my chest, holding him there clutching him to my body, relishing the feeling of his small frame pressed against me.

“Brynden… I’m choosing you,” I said, smiling into his hair. I really did love the way he fit into my arms like this.

“Wh-what…?” He nearly squeaked, pulling away from me. By the incredulous look on his face, I could tell he didn’t believe me.

But I gave him a sincere look, knowing I couldn’t really use words to convince him in this situation. I know my face screamed ‘yes, really’.

“I… b-but H-Hayden he… you…,” he was having a difficult time finding any words to clarify anything he was thinking at the moment so I settled on just pulling him in for another big hug, gently cradling his body to mine in a way that told him that I really only wanted him.

“R-really…?” He questioned.

“Yes, alright?” I said, kissing the side of his head. “You mean a lot to me, Brynden. You’re too important to let go of.”