You Won't See the Sun Anymore

We pulled into the graveyard. Pete looked at me and then back at the field of headstones. My eyes started to fill with tears, but I held them back.

“Are you ready, Jack?” Pete said, grabbing the bundle of tiger lilies.

I took a deep breath in. “I guess.”

We got out of my car and started walking to her grave. My chest started to hurt and my heart started beat fast. Pete was quiet, which wasn’t helping me at all.

I hadn’t noticed the other car that was parked opposite of ours. When we found Cassadee’s grave, there was a blond woman hunched over the headstone, flowers poking out from in front of her. Pete recognized her quickly.

“Hayley,” he whispered.

She looked up, tears and mascara streaking her cheeks. I was shocked to see her. She stood upright and sat the flowers down in front of the headstone. She wiped away the tears and walked over to Pete, pulling him into a hug and sobbing. He rubbed her back.

“It’s going to be okay, Hayley,” Pete spoke quietly.

I ignored them and sat down in front of her headstone, staring at the numbers and letter that made it up and the beautiful carving of a meadow with animal life. I sat there, remembering everything about Cassadee. I placed the flowers neatly next to where Hayley had placed her flowers.

I reached up and touched the cold stone, tracing the letters ‘C-A-S-S-A-D-E-E’ with my fingers. Tears welled in my eyes and streaked down my cheeks. I rested my head against the stone.

“What did I ever do to let you go?” I murmured. “What did I ever do to deserve losing you, the best thing in my life?”

I heard quiet words in the back of my mind. “You never lost me, Jack. I merely walked away. I love you.”

The words tore at my heart. I knew she was there, watching me suffer – as well as our friends. I heard Hayley’s car door shut and her car start, driving away. Pete maneuvered to sit next to me on the grass.

“It’s gonna be okay, Jack.”

I nodded and looked down at the flowers that had been left. “I wish I would have known it was like this for her. I didn’t want to lose her. I would have stopped her. WHY DIDN’T I KNOW?!”

Pete stared at me. “Dude, it’s okay. Calm down. It’s over. Cassadee doesn’t have to suffer anymore. She’s in a better place now. She’s watching over us.”

Tears flooded from my face and I turned away from him, hiding them. “I loved her, Pete! You don’t understand!”

“Of course I don’t. What you two had was completely different from what Ash and I have,” he said, consolingly.

I continued to cry, forgetting the conversation and thinking about everything that had happened before her death. I wanted answers. I wanted more answers now than I ever wanted. I needed her now. Why did she have to go? Why didn’t I do anything different when she was here? Why didn’t I realize that I needed her?

____

Later that day.

After Pete dropped me off at home and had stopped to talk to me, I spent the rest of the night contemplating about what I could have done better. I took out the note that she wrote telling me to go see her grave.

I realized that I had missed a part.

P.S. After you go to see me, make sure that you listen to the next CD.

Her words meant everything now. I couldn’t afford to miss anything.

I got up from the couch and walked towards the box, looking through it. I finally found the next CD and booted up my computer. After going through the long process to turn it on, I contently listened to what she had to say.

“I miss you right now, Jack. I am so…-” She started to cry. She sniffled and then went right back on talking. “I am really sorry. I hope that you had a good experience at the grave. I hope that you can go a lot to see me. I really appreciate that time.

“You need the next reason, huh? Well, reason… four. The time at the party that Pete threw for his engagement to Ashlee. I went solely for you because I knew you would be there. It was pretty good, not going to lie.

“The number one and ONLY thing that drove me insane was that you didn’t see me the way I saw you. I had tried so hard for how long and you still weren’t paying attention to me? I tried to brush it off. I really did. But I didn’t like how you kept pushing me away. I talked to Ashlee after the party while I helped her clean up. She said that you should have been starting to figure it out. I didn’t believe her as much as I wanted to.

“I wished you would have realized that I was chasing you sooner than you did. It would have been nice to know that someone was there to care about me. I would do anything to be with you now. I’m really sorry that I had to do that Jack. I really am.

“Reason four – you looking right through me and never trying to do anything about it. Are you ready or not for the next part? If so, watch the DVD.”

Tears were rolling down my face by the end of the CD. I popped out the CD and put it back in the case, tossing it carelessly into the box. What she had just said was really making me open my eyes. She hated that I wasn’t paying attention to her. I hated that I never saw her the way I did now. I turned off the computer and sat it on the table.

I didn’t feel like watching the DVD. I didn’t know what would happen. I didn’t want to feel more like crap than I did now. I just wanted to let this blow over.

I quietly turned on the television and started watching a boring and drama-filled reality show. I lied down on the couch and felt my eyes get heavier as I started to drift in and out of reality. The next thing I knew was that I was in a dream.

“Cassadee!” I yelled.

She stood there staring at me and then looking down at her arm. Her face was expressionless. When I finally made it to her side, I realized there was blood pouring out of her arm. Gashes, bigger than I had ever seen, had marked her arm.

“What did you do?” I said calmly.

Her expressionless face started to come to life. Her white teeth were exposed by her lips curling up to smile. It turned into one of the most evil smiles I had ever seen and soon followed by a cackle of death.

My eyes widened and she reached towards a sink that I hadn’t noticed. She pulled out a bloodied razor blade.

“CASSADEE, NO!”

She pulled the blade towards her and more towards her arm. She placed it on her skin…

I woke up in a sweat. Cassadee would never do that. I sat up abruptly and dashed into my bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and turned on the cold water. I splashed some on my face. I looked like Hell. My hair was a mess, my eyes were bloodshot, and I looked really sick.

I rubbed my hands down my face and let the water cool my face down. I looked back in the mirror and realized I just needed to rest. I sighed and dried my face and hands. I walked back into the living room and turned the television off.

The darkness surrounded me. I wasn’t afraid. I just wanted to be there, quietly walking through my dark house, pretending I was still with Cassadee. Everything was haunting me; why not one more thing? I walked silently to my room and swapped into pajamas. I sat my phone on the nightstand and crawled into the cold bed.

I lied there, staring at the ceiling. It was dark and when cars drove by, the light showed through the curtains. I didn’t let it bother me. I forgot about my surroundings and kept thinking about what Cassadee was trying to tell me when I had that dream.

____

The next morning.

It was a restless night. I didn’t get to sleep for hours and when I did, I didn’t sleep for very long – half-hour increments at the most. I couldn’t stop thinking about the haunting things that Cassadee had said. I wanted more than anything to make this right. But there was no way to make it right unless I kept following what she wanted for me.

I threw back the covers and got up, grabbing an outfit and going into the shower. After I got ready, I walked into the living room and staring at the box. I shrugged and walked into the kitchen. I grabbed a bowl from the cupboard and poured cereal into it, and then dumped milk over it.

I ate in silence. No television. I just sat on the couch and stared at the black screen. When I was done, I did the dishes and then started to clean the house. I vacuumed the floors and mopped the kitchen. I picked up things and took out the trash. I had this random will to do things.

After I was done cleaning, I felt better. I sat down on the couch and just enjoyed the cleanliness of the house. I was drifting into sleep again. I finally had worn myself out. I turned the television on just to help lull me to sleep.

I didn’t dream. I just needed some sleep. By the time I woke up, it was around five in the evening. I had slept for a long time and this was so relaxing.

I pulled my phone from my pocket and realized I had missed a phone call from Pete and Alex. I was shocked that they hadn’t come banging on my door yet. I wasn’t dead, nor did I plan to be.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes to help wake up. I blinked a couple times and sat my phone on the coffee table. I pulled the box into my lap and dug around for the next DVD in the collection. I got up from where I was sitting and put it in the player. I went back to my spot and turned waited for Cassadee to pop up on the screen. It stayed blank for a couple more seconds before she finally showed up.

She seemed a little happier, but tears were streaming down her cheeks. I wanted to reach through the screen and give her a hug.

“Hey Jack.” She smiled and waved at me. “I’m glad you made it this far. This is almost over now. Just a few days more and I’ll be gone… for good. I’ll be done trying to make you live in Hell. Please just don’t worry about me after this.

“I would tell you another reason, but I’m slowly running out of them. I just wanted to tell you how I feel right now. I feel really mad at you after what you’ve done to me. I’m just holding onto my suicide.” She looked away and when she looked back up, her eyes were filled with tears.

“I’m not afraid of what punishment God’s going to give me. And don’t go off blaming yourself for this entire thing because honestly, there were more reasons than just what happened between us. I’m not so much angry at you as I am with everything else.

“I need you to do the next task. I’ll write it right now.” She pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. I watched her scrawl on it for a second and then look up at the camera and smile. It was such a beautiful smile and one of her many lasts.

I sat and watched her write for a good five minutes. When she was done, her expressionless face turned into a huge smile as she tucked and sealed the envelope. She wrote words on the front of it and held it up.

“Here you go, Jack. I love you.”

The screen went dark and I turned the player off. I dug through the box to find the letter. I wondered what it would contain. Something good? I hoped so.

When I had found it, I held it in my hands, just looking at it. It smelled faintly of her. I loved it. Her neat handwriting was permanently scrawled across the front. I thought about what I should have done with it. I wanted Pete to be there to help me, if I needed it.

I sat the letter down on the cushion next to me and found my phone. I dialed Pete’s number and waited – the seemingly endless ringing carried through my mind.

“Hey Jack! What’s up, buddy?” He seemed to be yelling.

“Nothing really. I opened another one of Cassadee’s letters. I don’t know what it says yet. I just thought I could come over and get out. And follow what she wants me to do.” I pretty much mumbled the few sentences.

“That’s fine. Ash is taking Bronx out with her family and I didn’t have anything planned. So I’m waaaay free.”

“Alright, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

I hung up and was on my way out, grabbing the letter and my coat.