I've Learned to Play on the Safe Side

[One Month Later]

Despite talking to Alex every single night on the phone, I hadn't seen him or Jake in over a year. Thanks to my mom's way overprotective policies.

Finally, I decided to meet them at this fast-food place across from my school campus during lunch break, when the students were allowed to leave the school grounds. Although he and Jake went to school a few miles away, Alex had readily agreed to take a bus and meet me at the appointed time.

So a couple minutes after eleven-thirty on a Thursday morning sometime at the end of October found me leaving the school campus for lunch for the first time in over a year. Since The Incident, I had always been content to pretend to eat my food in a corner of the cafeteria or flush it down one of the school toilets and spend the next hour in the bathroom, accompanied by my iPod, and, if I was having an extra-bad day, a razor blade.

It was warm out, especially for October. I hated taking my hoodies off. For some reason, they made me feel secure and more protected. But this morning, I forced myself to leave the zipper open and my hood off, for fear of overheating and passing out in the middle of the street. As always, I clutched my iPod protectively. A heavy, but still melodic, song pounded in my eardrums. I had trained myself to focus on the music and to ignore my surroundings. For some reason, I thought my being aware of what was going on in the rest of the world wouldn't help my situation. So it was only after I had crossed the street, spotted Alex and Jake waving furiously at me from a booth, and taken out my earphones that I noticed that I was feeling a little dizzy and heard the slight buzzing in the back of my head.

Alex was so jaded to see me. I guess Jake was, too, but he didn't say much past "hey, what's up?". Alex began talking a mile a minute about everything. I took the opportunity to examine both of them.

They were both about six feet taller than the last time I had seen them. Alex had apparently let his hair grow out, because it was much longer and shaggier. He also seemed to have maintained a weight proportionate to his new height, while Jake looked like he had forgotten more body mass meant more weight, too. Jake had also cut his hair, although there was still one strand that flopped in front of his right eye.

The dizzy feeling didn't go away. At one point, Alex and Jake got up to go order lunch. I offered to save the table, telling them I wasn't hungry. I put my elbow on the table and rested my head in my hand.

When the two of them returned, laden with fries, milk shakes, and chicken nuggets, Alex asked me if I was ok. I told him not to worry; I was fine. He shrugged, and returned to his enthusiastic spiel, ranging from everything from his classes to his relationship with his parents. I knew he sensed I wasn't in the mood to talk much, because he seemed to feel it was necessary to keep talking and not ask me any questions. I would occasionally look up at Jake. He seemed to be pretending to listen to Alex, but every so often I would catch his looking at me. I thought I saw what seemed to be a questioning look in his eyes, but I couldn't be sure.

After awhile, Alex started talking about hanging out again. He said he knew both of us had therapy a lot of the time, and-

I stopped him, and looked at Jake. "You're going to therapy?"

Jake looked surprised at being directly addressed by me, but nodded, his hair flopping even farther in front of his eye.

"I didn't know that," I said, my tone accusing. Jake mumbled something.

"It's not like we never talk," I continued, although it was. We were on the phone with each other often enough, but we never directly spoke to each other. Only to Alex. "It's not like you never had the chance to tell me. Therapy's kind of a big deal. You knew I was seeing a shrink, didn'tcha? And you just decided to not tell me you were? Why? Because you thought it would make you seem cool? Tough? Well, guess what. You're pathetic."

I didn't know why I was getting so worked up. So what? He was seeing a shrink. Big fucking deal. But I knew I liked getting my anger out at somebody. It felt amazing to let all my emotions pour out of my mouth. I liked being the one doing the attacking for a change, instead of being attacked by, it felt like, every person that passed me. This is what my therapist would say the guys felt like. The guys in the alley, a little voice in the back of my mind whispered. Picking on someone who couldn't fight back. I pushed the voice away. I didn't want to think about those boys right now.

Alex laid a hand on my arm, trying to tell me to calm down. I shook him off. "You know what, Jacob Ryland Sauter, Jr.? You make me sick. Because keeping all these secrets doesn't suit you. It doesn't make you better. You know what else you forgot to tell me about? Your dad. Yeah, that's right. Your dad that DIED." I saw Jake give a sharp intake of breath when I mentioned his father. I could tell he was trying not to cry, but I saw a tear trickle out of the corner of his eye. Alex grabbed my arm with more force this time, mentally telling me to shut up. I stood up, shaking him off for the second time.

"I thought we had something special. The night that... The night that It happened. But you were keeping secrets from me even then. You sit there feeling all sorry for yourself, like I should forgive you. But I can't trust you. I can't trust anyone." I slung my messenger bag across my shoulder, and walked away from the booth. By this time, other customers in the restaurant were starting to look at me.

Jake quickly stood up and made to follow me. He reached out his hand to grab my arm as I strode away. "Wait... Ashlee... it's not like that..." I threw off his grip with more force than I had meant to.

When Jake had touched me, I had felt panic erupt inside me. The kind of panic I hadn't felt in more than a year, excluding when I woke up, sweating from my nightmares. My mind automatically played a flashback of the last time Jake had touched me. I remembered the hurt, the blood, the tears, and the pain raging inside my brain. My arm felt hot where he had laid his hand. How could I trust someone who could cause me that much pain? I looked back at Jake. I felt absolutely horrible for treating him the way I just had. His face was clouded with worry and anguish. I knew he would start to cry as soon as I left. Part of me wanted to go back and apologize. But how could I?

I made to walk towards the front door again, but was stopped by the dizziness. I leaned my head against the cold tile wall and closed my eyes.

"Ashlee?" It was Alex.

I turned around and attempted a smile. I could see he wanted to yell at me for treating Jake so badly, but he settled with an "Are you OK?"

"I'm f-fine, yeah."

I looked at Alex more closely. His new shaggy hair suited him. And his new height made him look bigger, stronger, much more able. I took a step towards him and wrapped my arms around his neck. He seemed surprised by the embrace, but returned the hug, rubbing his hand down my back. Alex's touch didn't scare me like Jake's did.

Then it hit me. What I had said to Jake was a lie. About how I couldn't trust anyone anymore. There were people I could trust. Like Alex. Good, strong Alex who had always been there if I needed sympathy or just a laugh.

There were a few people who knew parts of my story- even most of it. But no one knew everything. No one knew exactly what it was like to be me. But I could change that, couldn't I? I could bridge the gap between me and Alex. I could make Alex a part of me. I smiled at the feeling of safety that would bring me. Suddenly, sympathy and laughs weren't enough. I wanted love. Alex had provided me with everything else- surely this one little thing wouldn't be too hard?

I pulled away and looked Alex in the eyes. "I love you," I whispered. Even then I had known it was a lie.

Alex's eyes widened as I pressed my lips to his. Suddenly, horribly, an image of the last kiss I had received arose in front of me. I saw the unwashed face... felt the warm, smelly breath... I pulled away momentarily.

But I pushed the image away. That was different. Alex was safe. Alex could care about me. That was all I wanted. To be able to tell myself there was someone who truly did care about me. The back of my mind wouldn't leave me alone, however. You're just kissing now, it whispered. What about later? Haven't you had enough experience to know just kissing is never enough?

I can trust Alex, I retorted. Alex knows. He knows I'm not ready for... what you're thinking of.

I kissed Alex again. He didn't return the kiss, but didn't reject it either. I applied more force, hugging him more tightly. Suddenly, he pushed me away.

"No," he whispered. "This is wrong. We, we can't. You love Jake. And I know he still loves you." Alex gave me one last hug and then turned to walk back towards the booth.

The dizziness returned as I walked out the door. I looked back, just briefly. Jake was sitting upright, his eyes following me as I walked out the door, filled with resentment and dejection.