Trembling With the Strings

Darius reached out and grabbed my hand as he drove us home. Marcus was passed out in the backseat and everyone else had taken separate cars. I was a little nervous, but I had my fiancé’s phone and Marcy on speed dial in case he lost it again.

“You’re terrified of me,” he told me randomly as we came to a red light. I stayed silent. “I’m really sorry, Gracie. I just thought I could save him...and part of me thought I could bring back the girl. I didn’t realize that it would have killed my son...”

The light turned green and he slammed his foot down on the gas pedal. The world zipped past us as the rain began pouring. I squeezed his hand, looking down at my tummy.

“Are you okay in there, little mister?” I mumbled to him, smiling softly. Darius glanced over at me out of the corner of his eye, a small smile on his face.

“If it means anything, I think you’d be the most amazing mother in the world,” he told me, turning on the air conditioning. “I wish we could keep him, but you know what I’d do to him. I don’t want to hit my own kid. I’m only thinking of him.”

I nodded, looking out the window. Lightning sounded and I heard Marcus whimper, so I crawled into the back despite Darius asking what was wrong with me. My brother had always been terrified of thunder and lightning, so I pulled his head into my lap, stroking his hair. I started singing him his favorite lullaby softly, humming to myself as the song ended. He stopped stirring.

“We’re home,” Darius told me, opening the car door. He pulled Marcus off of my lap and picked him up.

“Is he going to wake up?” I asked him, following him into Marc’s bedroom. He put him down on the bed gently, sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Yeah. And then he’s going to hate me even more and try to kill me so you won’t marry me. I fucked up, Gracie. I fucked up really bad.” He threw his face into his hands. I bit my lip, sitting beside him and grabbing his hands. He glanced over, looking so tired.

“He wants me to be happy,” I mumbled, glancing down at my stomach. “Do you know what he said to me? He told me that I’m pregnant because God wanted me to be happy. And because I love you.” He didn’t look convinced at all. “He meant it, Dray. He would never try to make me leave something that makes me happy. We never knew a moment of happiness in our house, but I’ve seen him smiling a lot more lately. And you know what? It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe me—because I know what he said.”

Darius stood up, casting one last glance to my unconscious brother. I walked after him, but he shook his head, leaving me all alone in the quiet bedroom.

But that got old really fast. I kissed my brother, well, ‘good night’ and headed out the door. Darius was in our bedroom, but I knew he wasn’t in the mood to talk. I would have to occupy myself with something else.

Before I knew it was darting down the stairs and across the hall. The giant doors were still there, beckoning me. I knew what was hiding behind the fancy wood: that Fazoili piano.

I couldn’t help myself. I ran onto the stage, pulling the abandoned musical instrument out of the corner and into the center of the floor. Sitting down in front of it felt so right... I can’t explain it. I opened the dusty booklet, a tune already in my head.

My brother’s lullaby.

I was already keying away before I even thought about it. I hadn’t played in so long, but it was like a second nature to me. I didn’t even realize when the words escaped my lips.

Brother, you and I,
Brother, you and I,
We'll sing our lullaby.
Hush, my dear,
Sing sweet and low;
Baby now to rest will go;
Hush thee, hush thee,
Singing soft and low;
Hush thee, hush, thee,
Singing soft and low.

Brother, you and I,
Brother, you and I,
We'll sing our lullaby.
Tired blue eyes
Will gently close;
Sleepy now the baby grows;
Hush thee, hush thee,
Sleep in sweet repose;
Hush thee, hush thee,
Sleep in sweet repose.

I smiled as the last note rang throughout the room. I closed the book, running my hand along the masterpiece that was the most magnificent piano I had ever laid my eyes upon. It truly didn’t deserve to be stashed away in the corner all day every day.

I forced myself to stand up, pushing the piano back where I found it. It made me a little sad to place it back in the horrid corner, but I probably shouldn’t have played the Fazoili anyway. I dragged myself off of the stage, walking down the aisle with my eyes on my feet. I glanced back one last time to the stage before picking my eyes up to the door.

Darius was smiling. He was smiling like he actually meant it. I frowned.

“What?” Did he think me trying to sing was that amusing?

“Nothing. You’ve got a voice on you, don’t you?”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, knowing there was hidden sarcasm.

“I’m not kidding. It may be, well, a little unpolished, but I’m sure with some lessons you’d be phenomenal. There wouldn’t be a dry eye in the building.”

I looked at him, tired. He smiled apologetically, opening the door for me.

“I bet the baby liked it.”

“I bet you’re being a suck up.”

He frowned. “Am I not allowed to compliment you? You’re great at the piano. Is that forbidden? You have a nice voice. Am I cursed for an eternity now?”

“Stop it. Just stop!” I begged, storming up the stairs. He didn’t get it!

“No. I want to know why a compliment is so bad. Why can’t you just accept flattery? I don’t compliment you that often, so you should be thanking me!”

“Just leave me alone!” I begged, slamming the bedroom door on him. I fell to the floor, crying. Maybe I was just being overdramatic, or maybe it was the hormones. I didn’t know.

When I was growing up everything I did wasn’t worth anything. I was told that God didn’t have time for me to be talented at anything, or that I could have tried harder. I’d never been told, “Good job, Gracie. We love you.” I’d never heard a “Wow” or even received a simple pat on the back! How did I know if he was just saying that to mock me?

I pulled out my picture of Marc, Johnny, Marty and I. We were so happy, just keeping each other going throughout the days. We didn’t need mindless words to make us smile. We just needed each other.

But knowing my parents thought of me as more than “the second accident” would have been nice.