If Only I Knew How to Hate You

Bailey

My mind feels stuck, trapped, lonely, lost. It can only dwell and focus on one day, one night right now and it’s driving me mad. I keep seeing the blood all over me and I need to get it off. Then I feel the bathwater all over me again, and I have to dry that off, too. I feel the need to run again, like I did after that, but he’s not letting me go anywhere, he…. Alex?

“Alex?” I whisper in a cracked voice, as if I’ve finally just seen him.

“Bailey,” he offers a small smile. “Are you okay?” He frowns, trying to read my eyes.

Hide it all. I swallow. “I… yeah,” I manage after a deep breath. “I… I’m fine, I …” I manage faintly but it fades off, I don’t know what else to say. I close my eyes and shake my head, trying to at least think of the present a little bit. “Um. Yeah. Yes, fine…” I grab the edge of the sink and pull myself up, though my legs feel weak. “I… need… Missy. I need to call her,” I say at last.

“She just called,” he nods. “Here’s your phone,” he hands it out. “Will you be okay on your own?”

I look up from holding my cherished beat up phone. He looks tired and on my phone, I see it’s still very early. “Oh. Um, yeah.” I nod with a swallow. “Um, thanks. Yeah. Go to sleep. I’ll be fine now.”

He’s still too tired to argue and nods, heading back to bed. I hold onto my phone tightly as I pull on some dry clothes, still shivering a little. I put on some shoes and step out of the bus. I walk around the place and find a picnic table to sit on. There, I call Missy.

“There you are,” she picks up after the first ring, relieved.

“Yeah… sorry,” I mutter.

“I’m practically your mom in this way,” she states randomly.

“Thanks, mother,” I scowl.

She chuckles a little then goes quiet. “Alex picked up. Where were you?”

“The shower,” I sigh, running my hands through my hair.

“Again?”

“I don’t mean to!” I snap at her. “Okay? I can’t- I just…” I let out an aggravated sigh and want to kick something. “I can’t help it, okay? Every year, I get the same exact dream at the same time, okay? I can’t stop it, I can’t help it. Even when I wake up, I feel like I’m there all over again, and- and I have to do something, and try… try to do something, you know?”

“I keep telling you, Bay, go see someone!”

“They won’t understand!” I shoot back. “Okay? Even you don’t. No one can. And those who maybe can, are dead.”

“Like a dying breed,” she says randomly.

“You’re not much of a help,” I inform her.

“I can’t help it, you know me,” she pouts. “And it would help if you told people.”

“The truth?” I laugh scornfully. “First, they wouldn’t believe me. Then when they do, they’d ask so many questions but never understand; they would pity me like…”

“Like you should be pitied?”

“I don’t need to be pitied!”

“Right, cause you’re so strong,” she says sarcastically and we fall silent again. “Sorry,” she sighs.

“No, I am,” I sigh, rubbing my forehead. “Okay, it… it can be easy for you, always being there, and making sure you call at five this time of year, even if its…”

“One in the morning? Yeah. I was dreaming I was in Hawaii. Screw you.”

“Thanks,” I say dryly, lying down on the table.

“No problem. Seeing the sun rise? You are on the east coast, hon.”

“Sure am. It’ll start any second.”

“Take pictures?” She asks me hopefully.

“If you wish. Least I can do,” I add grudgingly.

“Good, you’re sounding normal. Will today be okay, then, for you?” She asks me hopefully.

“I can only hope,” I sigh. “But you know me.”

“Oh, I do,” I can hear Missy’s smile. “Happy Birthday, by the way, Bailey Elizabeth.” And she hangs up.