Sequel: I Hate That I Love You ›
If Only I Knew How to Hate You
Too Much
Bailey
Pills. Breakfast. No coffee. Bad morning.
It gets worse as some more nurses come through, telling me it’s time for my appointment. They won’t explain much, but I soon find myself in a wheelchair, in a pretty empty place in the hospital’s green house. It’s supposed to soothe patients, they say, and drop me off at a desk with some lady.
“Hello, Bailey,” she smiles grimly at me and starts going through a file- my file.
Trying not to yawn, I glance around curiously. I’m not much of a gardener, but the flowers and plants are sort of pretty, but… “Why,” I pause to clear my throat. “Why am I here?” I ask cautiously.
“I’m here to help you, of course.”
“No you’re not.”
“Why do you say that?” She cocks her head, leaning forward, hands interlaced.
“I don’t know. I don’t… it seems like a trap. Like you’re getting ready to pounce.”
She smiles genially. “Well, I can assure you I’m not.” Then she starts writing on her pad of paper. I stare, confused, and then it all dawns on me, what this is.
“Oh, no.”
“Hm?”
“You’re a shrink,” I accuse her.
“The correct term is a psychologist, or therapist,” she nods. “My name is Sarah Goodwin. I’m here to help you out, remember, Bailey?”
“That’s what they all say.” I cross my arms, but I can’t furrow my brow because it hurts too much.
“Ah, the guard,” she leans back, eyeing me, and sighs. “Is there a reason why you refuse to speak and cooperate with all psychologists, all those who try to help you?” She clearly has seen all my folders, meaning the other shrinks I’ve been to as a kid, a teen, and now…
“Because you never understand.”
“We try to, however. You just won’t let us.”
“No. You can’t. There is no way you could understand.”
“Try me.”
I stare at her defiantly. “Have you ever seen a dead body?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I have.”
“But you have you seen someone completely alive, and then throttled till they are blue, their eyes bulge and blood seeps from their mouths, lungs punctured? Have you seen them cut apart, limbs gone, their intestines, and lungs? Have you ever held a dead heart?” I ask harshly, shaking from nerves and mixed emotions.
She holds my gaze, so I’ll give her a point for that, but we all know she will never be able to understand. No one can. “No,” she says finally. “Nor do I ever expect, or hope to, Bailey. I think we both understand that. But do you know what we do, when we cannot understand those we work with?” She watches me for a minute. “We try to help them, Bailey. Fight their inner demons, so they can move on.”
“I can’t,” I shake my head.
“You have to try.”
My head goes down, but my hair is pulled back and can’t hide my face. My heart beats quickly within me, struggling to think things thoroughly through right now. To stay calm, collected… “When you see what I have seen, then maybe I will,” I whisper.
She sighs. “Our time is up for now, Bailey- but I will see you again. All right? You’re scheduled to come see me for the next three or so months, every Tuesday and Thursday.”
“No.”
“You don’t have much of a choice, dear. It’s orders. And I want you to know, I may not be able to completely understand what you’ve been through- it’s true that no one can. But it will never stop people from caring for you, understand?”
My nurse has returned, fussing over me. I just watch the woman, this Sarah Goodwin, until I’m out of the green house. Away from nature’s little trap that was set for me… I frown, shivering under the blanket. The nurse piles another on me, but I don’t say a thing, feeling exhausted already at our encounter.
“Bailey!”
I look up, finding Alex in my room, waiting with a smile. I’m helped back onto the hospital bed, and he sits on the edge, trying to read my expression. “So… how did it go?” He offers finally.
“You knew?”
“Well… yeah?”
I look at my hands, my brow furrowed, trying to… trying to think, I guess. Make things make sense for once, really. “I don’t want to go back,” I whisper.
“But you need to, Bay. It’ll be good for you.”
Traitor. I look up at him, hurt. “No it won’t.”
He sighs, pulling my hair back. “I’m not trying…I’m just, Bailey… I care about you, okay?” Alex says, somewhat exasperated. “You need to understand that. And I worry about you- Missy, does too. Even the guys do. Over half the people from Warped this summer have called or texted, hoping you’re okay. I’ve checked your myspace, and there are so many people there, rooting for you. We just want you to get better. Feel better, inside and out. And therapists are… well, they’re trained to help people heal, okay? Just give it a try, for me, for everyone?”
Pills. Breakfast. No coffee. Bad morning.
It gets worse as some more nurses come through, telling me it’s time for my appointment. They won’t explain much, but I soon find myself in a wheelchair, in a pretty empty place in the hospital’s green house. It’s supposed to soothe patients, they say, and drop me off at a desk with some lady.
“Hello, Bailey,” she smiles grimly at me and starts going through a file- my file.
Trying not to yawn, I glance around curiously. I’m not much of a gardener, but the flowers and plants are sort of pretty, but… “Why,” I pause to clear my throat. “Why am I here?” I ask cautiously.
“I’m here to help you, of course.”
“No you’re not.”
“Why do you say that?” She cocks her head, leaning forward, hands interlaced.
“I don’t know. I don’t… it seems like a trap. Like you’re getting ready to pounce.”
She smiles genially. “Well, I can assure you I’m not.” Then she starts writing on her pad of paper. I stare, confused, and then it all dawns on me, what this is.
“Oh, no.”
“Hm?”
“You’re a shrink,” I accuse her.
“The correct term is a psychologist, or therapist,” she nods. “My name is Sarah Goodwin. I’m here to help you out, remember, Bailey?”
“That’s what they all say.” I cross my arms, but I can’t furrow my brow because it hurts too much.
“Ah, the guard,” she leans back, eyeing me, and sighs. “Is there a reason why you refuse to speak and cooperate with all psychologists, all those who try to help you?” She clearly has seen all my folders, meaning the other shrinks I’ve been to as a kid, a teen, and now…
“Because you never understand.”
“We try to, however. You just won’t let us.”
“No. You can’t. There is no way you could understand.”
“Try me.”
I stare at her defiantly. “Have you ever seen a dead body?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I have.”
“But you have you seen someone completely alive, and then throttled till they are blue, their eyes bulge and blood seeps from their mouths, lungs punctured? Have you seen them cut apart, limbs gone, their intestines, and lungs? Have you ever held a dead heart?” I ask harshly, shaking from nerves and mixed emotions.
She holds my gaze, so I’ll give her a point for that, but we all know she will never be able to understand. No one can. “No,” she says finally. “Nor do I ever expect, or hope to, Bailey. I think we both understand that. But do you know what we do, when we cannot understand those we work with?” She watches me for a minute. “We try to help them, Bailey. Fight their inner demons, so they can move on.”
“I can’t,” I shake my head.
“You have to try.”
My head goes down, but my hair is pulled back and can’t hide my face. My heart beats quickly within me, struggling to think things thoroughly through right now. To stay calm, collected… “When you see what I have seen, then maybe I will,” I whisper.
She sighs. “Our time is up for now, Bailey- but I will see you again. All right? You’re scheduled to come see me for the next three or so months, every Tuesday and Thursday.”
“No.”
“You don’t have much of a choice, dear. It’s orders. And I want you to know, I may not be able to completely understand what you’ve been through- it’s true that no one can. But it will never stop people from caring for you, understand?”
My nurse has returned, fussing over me. I just watch the woman, this Sarah Goodwin, until I’m out of the green house. Away from nature’s little trap that was set for me… I frown, shivering under the blanket. The nurse piles another on me, but I don’t say a thing, feeling exhausted already at our encounter.
“Bailey!”
I look up, finding Alex in my room, waiting with a smile. I’m helped back onto the hospital bed, and he sits on the edge, trying to read my expression. “So… how did it go?” He offers finally.
“You knew?”
“Well… yeah?”
I look at my hands, my brow furrowed, trying to… trying to think, I guess. Make things make sense for once, really. “I don’t want to go back,” I whisper.
“But you need to, Bay. It’ll be good for you.”
Traitor. I look up at him, hurt. “No it won’t.”
He sighs, pulling my hair back. “I’m not trying…I’m just, Bailey… I care about you, okay?” Alex says, somewhat exasperated. “You need to understand that. And I worry about you- Missy, does too. Even the guys do. Over half the people from Warped this summer have called or texted, hoping you’re okay. I’ve checked your myspace, and there are so many people there, rooting for you. We just want you to get better. Feel better, inside and out. And therapists are… well, they’re trained to help people heal, okay? Just give it a try, for me, for everyone?”