If Only I Knew How to Hate You

Alex

Why is she following me? Probably to shove something in my face, as usual, I think bitterly. Sighing, I turn around and slowly bring my gaze trailing up. I can’t ignore her long, athletic legs that have healed nicely from the past months. Her red dress fits her perfectly, showing off every curve and more. Her scars are hidden with make-up to the point where she looks absolutely stunning- even though she with her scars as well. But- I don’t know what I’m saying.

I just know she looks incredible. Stunning. Gorgeous. Sexy. Everything she always was before, and will always be.

And it makes me sick, not being able to have her.

“What?” I ask her flatly, wondering what else she’s going to use to hurt me. Because it seems that’s all that’s left of our ‘relationship.’ Zack’s already mentioned that Bay wanted him to grab her stuff from my place- she didn’t even have the decency of coming to get it herself. She couldn’t stand to talk to me, to look me in the face.

Until now.

And now? I’m just sick of this. I’m tired. Hurt and confused, I’ve given up on her at last. Isn’t that what she wants? Or is she going to turn me into ground meat? I meet her gaze unflinchingly and find hers are wide, innocent, shy and ready. Ready for what, though, I’m not sure.

“I- I wanted to… to talk to you,” she manages lastly.

“About?” I ask, deadpanned.

“You. Me.” She swallows hard. “Us. And everything, I suppose.”

“And?”

She grits her teeth, dropping her gaze- she just couldn’t take it, I think bitterly. My hands go in my pockets, waiting impatiently. I wanted some open air and I’m suffocating with her around me now. “I want…” She stops again, unable to go on before meeting my eyes again.

“I wanted to apologize,” she announces, gathering her courage. I’m too surprised for thoughts as she continues. “All you have ever done was support me, love me, and give me everything I wanted and needed- plus more. And I have been selfish with everything, because I never gave you anything. I turned everything into an argument and I was greedy and uncaring for the past month or so, after everything you did for me.” She takes a deep breath, slowing down as she plays nervously with her fingers.

“I… I don’t know what it’s like to have so much and to give so much. I don’t know so much about love, strength, or about compassion. But now, I have a slight idea about all of those- because of you. And it’s my fault for the past few weeks, for all the fights. So… I wanted to say that I was very, very, inescapably sorry.” She pauses, swallowing hard and looking down at her feet. “You didn’t deserve any of it,” she whispers. “You don’t deserve any of the crap I have put you through, and I’m so sorry. I’ve been a jerk. The only thing you ever did wrong, was take a second look at me.”

She takes a deep breath and I can only blink, stumped with what has just spilled from her lips. I blink again and she gives a sad, watery smile- she’s about to cry- and steps back. “I’m going to go. I just… I just wanted you to know. And- and to thank you for everything you ever did for me.” She manages something of a limp wave, and then turns to go.

Bailey doesn’t go back inside. My heart thumps loudly with her every step in those black heels of her, hips swinging and hair whipping side to side. Where is she going? She doesn’t even have her jacket. That’s when I realize- she just needs to escape, like me. We’re in the same hole, not wanting to be with everyone else on such occasion. But we should still be together. The words hit me like a sledgehammer to the gut, so hard I nearly fall over.

“Bailey…” I whisper her name softly. I don’t know why, because she can’t hear me. She’s still walking. But as I watch her go, I wonder how stupid we can both be. Because maybe, she doesn’t deserve everything I gave her- but I don’t deserve everything she has given me, because she’s turned me into someone better than I should have been a long time ago. My throat gets tight, watching her ready to take the corner and disappear.

That’s when I realize that I can pretend all I want- but I could never, ever really let her go. Not a in a million years, not in a zombie apocalypse.

“Bailey- Bailey!” I yell her name loudly.

She’s almost turned the corner when she pauses, hesitantly, and slowly turns around. Even from here, I can see her biting her lip shyly, wondering what will happen now. My stomach lurches, wondering the same question.

My beating heart has the only answer.

In a moment, I am running with the wind. Hands out of my pockets, not caring about anyone else moseying around right now, I dodge past and run up towards her.

“I- uhm,” she’s stuttering as I draw close.

I catch up and then try to catch my breath. “The only I did wrong,” I shake my head at one of the last comments I recall her saying. “Was ever letting you leave my sight, Bailey.” Then my ears ring with the noise of the club, the street, everyone.

2010

She gasps at the noise and realization I’ve come to. Smirking, I grab her waist, pulling her close against the brick wall and I press our bodies together. My hand grabs her neck and she has her hands already in my hair, our bodies automatically coming together. “Happy new year, beautiful,” I murmur before burying ourselves in a kiss.