If Only I Knew How to Hate You

Bailey

I was having one of the most miserable social experiences of my life. I’d been happy enough to just stay home and ‘watch the ball drop’- if I even bothered staying up for it- but Missy dragged me up to shower and dress up fancy for a club in the city. Now I knew for a fact that I looked good- great even- but I didn’t feel it, and I didn’t care.

The moment he stepped into the club, I knew he was here. Alex’s presence was something I’d come to find myself connected to, I guess. It had gone from the point that I knew instantly, the very moment, he arrived. In the house, I could even tell which room he was in, even if everything was silent. I just knew.

Once, it had been pretty neat. Now? I was ready to murder someone- myself, or him, I wasn’t much particular.

He was obviously having a good time, though. Dancing, kissing, hanging out with multiple sluts and fans- different or same, I don’t know and I don’t care. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. Because it’s all I can tell myself. It’s not like we’ll get back together, you know? It just couldn’t…

You know you’re sick of this. Missy and I had talked on the drive over here. She’d pretty much pulled out all the information I had inside me, and sucked it inside her own skull. Maybe the relationship can’t go on, but you could at least be friends. At least apologize. You never know what could happen.

You never know what could happen.

The words kept playing in my mind, the advice Missy had given me. The fact of the matter included- I knew she was right. Maybe it doesn’t matter who apologizes- but maybe it did. After all, how many times had I ever apologized? And compared to him?

I missed Alex.

This fact annoyed me, scared me, and pissed me off like no other. I hate it mostly because of how true it was. I had on layers of foundation at the moment just to hide how tired I was, because I had gotten so used to sleeping in his arms. I’d even lost weight because without his coffee in the morning, I couldn’t get anything else down my throat. I couldn’t even listen to music, my usual haven, because I’d wait to hear his voice singing the lyrics. I even missed just fighting. Because I’d much rather fight him, than dance with any of these jerks here at the club.

“No,” I repeat to the man who’s partially drunk and it’s his fifth time asking me to dance. I’d already danced once with him, but he was a grabber and I wasn’t interested.

“Aw, come on,” he winks, leaning forwards to get a peak at my chest but I shove him off. “Hey!” He protests, grabbing my wrist. “I just want a dance, girl.”

“I have a name, and I have a brain,” I try to jerk free. “And I do not want to dance with you. So before I smack you, let go!”

He chuckles like I said something funny. “See now, can’t this just be-” He has to stumble forwards as I try to jerk back again, continually running into people. I step on his food and he curses loudly but doesn’t let go of his grasp. “Hey, that ain’t-”

“Nice? Neither are you,” speaks up another voice, grabbing the man’s forearm and giving a full on punch in the arm muscle. The man howls loudly in pain, letting go.

Biting my tongue I turn to see who my savior is- and inconviently, it’s Alex. It looks like he’d been heading out when I must have bumped into him- I knew he was close- but he intervened. I know it’s him from his outfit and his hands that he quickly shovels into his pockets- but I can’t make eye contact with him, even though every instinct tells me to.

I open my mouth, fighting to say something with my stomach in knots, but he’s already stepping away. Having done his good deed, he wants to get out of here. I contemplate letting him go, but something drives me on to follow through and jerk on his shirt. When I yank hard enough, he turns around with an open mouth. He didn’t know it was me, and slowly closes his mouth, waiting.

Waiting for me to say something. My stomach lurches and I rub my bruised wrist, not knowing what to say. What am I doing? Missy’s advice has suddenly fled from my mind and I’m tongue tied. “H-hi, I..I um, just- you k-know…”

“What?” He interrupts in a tired voice.

I swallow the lump. “T-thanks. That’s all. I just… I wanted to um, thank you,” I manage weakly. My head hangs and I can’t make myself look him in the eye. I feel his gaze on me for a moment before he shrugs, turns, and leaves.

My heart plummets. You deserve a happy ending. And you’ll find it with him, Bailey. And only with Alex. Why her words continue to ring in my ears, I don’t know. And why I believe her whole heartedly suddenly, I don’t know that either. But sure enough as I have blood in my body, I know I need Alexander Gaskarth. So that’s why I throw on a determined expression, and race out of the club after him.

“Get back here!” I yell when I find him walking down the street. He slows down and I catch up, breathless. It’s only then that, after over two weeks, I meet his gaze.