I Want to Hold You, for Now and Forever

Martin Luther King Jr:

“The true measure of a man is not how he behaves in moments of comfort and convenience but how he stands at times of controversy and challenges.”

Brian had booked an appointment for me to go see the doctor after my meltdown and even though I agreed I would go see one, I refused telling him that maybe I just needed to release whatever it was I was holding in but he argued that it was much more than me letting go, he told me that only a doctor could help me. Thanks Brian, now I definitely feel crazy. As the day of the appointment came, I practically threw a tantrum and whilst Brian was amused at me stomping my feet, I had aggravated him. I understood that he only wanted what was best for me but I don’t think I could trust another person with my feelings, I felt stupid. The result of me not going to the doctor? Silent treatment. Wonderful, we acted like little kids which usually was fun but with all of our added stress, it got difficult to maintain our relationship so on top of being the worlds shittiest mother, I also got the title of the worlds shittiest wife too. I don’t know how much more of this I can take, something’s gotta give.

I was laying on the sofa with Oliver laying on top of me asleep, it seemed he loved sleeping with his head on top of my breasts, just like his daddy. I had decided to order myself the Sons of Anarchy box set and now the house was peaceful, I could indulged in a little bit of bad boy action. Half way through the second season, I heard the door slam and a pair of shoes scuffing against the laminate flooring which I bet was causing little black marks, I hadn’t long cleaned that floor, bet he was doing it on purpose, trying to cause my life even more hell. He’s not out to get you, Chloe. Great now I’m paranoid. I just need to focus on the sexy beast that is Ryan Hurst, God that man has great genes and that beard, oh Lord.

“Introducing violence and motorcycles to the kid already?” A deep voice startled me, I knew someone was there but I thought it was Brian. I titled my head back and saw an upside down Jimmy at the doorway

“Thought you were Brian” I mumbled. Should have known, Brian’s avoiding me, he would have gone straight to his studio. I saw Jimmy make himself comfortable in the seat across the room

“Talk to me kid” His crystal blue eyes bore into mine before I rolled them

“He can’t talk to me himself so he sends his friends, and he calls me immature?” I left out a huff of breath

“We’re all worried about you”

“So you’re all getting together behind my back to talk about my erratic behaviour?” Now I was annoyed, I carefully sat up with Oli still held against my chest

“Don’t get paranoid, we’re not out to get you. We just want to understand what’s going on and Suzy said that maybe…”

“You’ve brought his parents into this?!” I shouted. Oli stirred in my arms and I put him in his baby basket before getting up and walking into the kitchen. It’s none of anyone’s business what goes on in our marriage, why the hell is everybody included in these little gatherings but me? What if they take Oliver away? He’s only just started liking me and then they’re gonna take him away?

“Chloe, listen to me” He pleased

“Get out” I whispered before I turned to look at him with tears in my eyes “You’re not having him”

“Having who?” Jimmy’s face contorted into confusion

“Oliver, he’s mine”

“We’re not taking him away, kid, we just wanna get you some help”

“I don’t need your help!” I screamed sliding to the floor with my hands tangled in my hair “I don’t need anybodies help!”

“Okay, okay” He came next to me and pulled me into a sideways embrace “But maybe if you talked to us, told us what’s going on”

“Maybe if you stopped talking to me like I’m a crazy person it would be easier to talk but I can’t, I tried but I can’t so please just leave me alone” I sobbed and he never let go, he just kept one arm wrapped around me whilst the other softly stroked my hair.

I must have drifted off because I awoke in mine and Brian’s bed, my clothes were wrinkled from the obvious tossing I had done in my sleep. I stretched and climbed out of bed before going to the closet to grab some clothes and headed into the shower. Once I was refreshed and dressed I decided to go downstairs, I highly doubted Jim would have left the baby on his own and when I got to the middle of the stairs I could hear quite a few voices coming from the living room, I sat down and listened in on their conversation

“She just broke down man” That was Jimmy

“I don’t know what else to do, I’ve tried to get her to go to the doctors but she full on refused” Brian sounded down “I can’t go on this tour dude, I can’t leave her on her own”

“We understand dude but don’t make any decisions, we play the doctor card once more” Matt was always a good friend, always understanding of everything.

“No, my mind is made up. I’m not going, I’m not leaving her here whether she’s seen a doctor or not, if Suzy’s right then it’s gonna take a while”

“Take her on tour with you” Charl softly spoke

“Yeah that’s a good idea, that way you get to do your thing and your not leaving her” I can’t believe both of my best friends were in on this. I would have thought Beci would have at least stuck up for me, you know, convince them there was nothing wrong

“We can’t take Oli on tour, that’s not fair to anybody else”

“Does it matter?” Johnny asked “If bringing them both makes everything better then isn’t it worth it?”

“See the fucker does have brains” Zacky joked making the others laugh

“So I play the doctor card and if she doesn’t go then what?” Brian seemed to be trying to figure it out

“I don’t know, if she doesn’t get help, it’ll get worse. You looked exhausted dude” The sound that came after suggested Matt patted him on the back.

“I can’t sleep, I’ve just been researching the shit out of this thing like the fact that around 10 to 15 women out of a 100 have it or the therapies they use to help ‘em but what fucking scared me the most was that women kill themselves because they think they’re crazy, they don’t know what’s wrong with them. I just want her to get help before it gets worse, she has all the symptoms”

What are they saying I have? I don’t have anything, there is nothing wrong with me or maybe there was? What if they are right but I just can’t see it like they do? I just thought that maybe this could be normal, I convinced myself of that, every women has this or do they? Brian did sound exhausted and maybe if I did this for him, it would put his mind at ease and show him that I do not have anything wrong with me. I walked down the stairs as they continued their conversation and stood in the doorway, it took them a minute to see me but when they did, you could hear a penny drop

“So what’s the diagnosis doctors?” Came out worse than I wanted and no one seemed to want to answer me “Come on, you all seem to have gone to medical school so enlighten me with your conclusion”

“Postnatal Depression” Brian said bluntly

“Oh my God” I chuckled “You got your knickers in a twist over baby blues?”

“There’s a difference Chloe” Beci told me with a soft expression “The baby blues stop after ten days, Oli’s nearly a month old”

“You want me to see a doctor?” I looked at Brian and his expression was worn and sad, the guilt that hit me was worse than anything I felt before, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Everyone got up and left the room and I moved to sit next to him.

“Honestly?” He asked and I nodded “Yeah, I do, this isn’t normal. The first couple of days I could have understood but it’s gotten worse, I want to help baby I do so I need you to see this doctor, let them talk to you and help”

“Fine, I’ll go”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I’ve never seen you look so sad” I half smiled

“I’m sad because you’re unhappy, I can see it and it kills me” He pressed his lips to my forehead and I sniffled, resting my hands on his shoulders.

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t be sorry, don’t feel guilty, you can’t help it. That baby boy out there that Jimmy’s probably scarring for life, loves you and I love you, I know you can’t see it but we do. You’ve put too much on your shoulders, let us help” He rested his head against mine with his hands on my cheeks not moving his eyes from mine

“Okay, help me” I bit my lip “Do you want me to come on tour with you?”

“If it means you getting better then yeah but lets get this doctor appointment out of the way first, we need to know what we’re dealing with” He kissed me sweetly on the lips and I smiled

“You’ve already made it, haven’t you?”

“Of course” He chuckled and I moved into his arms as he held me close but of course, Oli’s crying broke us apart, we got up and headed toward the kitchen to see Matt cradling the little boy in his arms, the image was so cute

“Aww” I said out loud making Matt look at me “He’s so small compared to you”

“He’s small compared to everyone” He commented

“Is it weird that I want to cry?” I asked as Brian, Matt, Jimmy and Beci looked at me whilst the others were outside smoking.

“Yeah” Jimmy told me bluntly “but it’s not your fault that Matt is an ugly overgrown ape, it’s made many a women cry” We all burst out laughing

“Jimmy promise me you’ll never change” I hugged him

“Never!” He raised his voice pumping a fist in the air as if he was Peter Pan

We hung out for a couple hours longer just like we used too and I had to bit my tongue, my emotional rollercoaster wasn’t over. I still had the ups and downs especially when someone would do something stupid but when they had left, Brian told me he was proud of me for keeping myself calm. I had this really awful feeling that he didn’t want me to go on tour with him and he was only doing it because he felt he had too but I wasn’t going to ask about it tonight, we were both emotionally drained and Brian was just drained full stop. He needed sleep and I sent him straight upstairs after we had eaten, well he ate then forced me to as well. My appetite still hadn’t returned and just looking at food didn’t appeal to me anymore and I hated it because I used to love food, I would eat at any given chance even if I wasn’t hungry.

My mind was completely stuck on the appointment tomorrow, I knew I needed to go for the sake of Brian and our family even if I couldn’t completely see that I needed it for myself and maybe Jimmy was right, even just talking about it or others talking about it to me made it easier for me to accept. I don’t know, my mind is completely confused, I don’t know how to feel about anything anymore and maybe even for that, I should go and see the doctor.

“Go to sleep” Brian mumbled with his face mushed against his pillow. I laughed at him

“You look silly” he peeked one eye open and tried to glare with it, making me laugh harder

“You love my silliness”

“That I do”

“Sleep” He commanded pulling me flush against him.

It felt right here in his arms and it was a place that in the past few weeks I had rarely been. I missed his arms wrapped around me whilst he would mumble random things in my ear before we went to sleep, his voice soothed me in ways no other sound could, his voice calmed my fears and it was his voice that I had stopped listening too and I can’t help but think that if I had, we wouldn’t be here now. I was breaking our family apart because I couldn’t admit to the depression that had blocked everything out that had ever reassured me. My knight in shiny armour always pulled through when I needed him the most and with his arms around my frame, I felt safe again.