You Should Know

The butterflies spread their wings in my intestines.

Close your eyes, Victoria instructs.

I feel the light brush of eye shadow and then blush on my cheeks.

Open your eyes, she says, and she comes at me with eyeliner and mascara.

I ask if she brought the dress for me.

A yellow one, like the summer one I used to have.

She did.

I’m nervous, I tell her, before she can ask.

I’m nervous, even though you won’t see me.

I don’t know that you’d recognize me if you did.

Not at a glance, anyway.

My normally tan skin is losing its color, and my hair is short now.

After my makeup, I let her straighten my curly hair to give back some of its length.

I’m going to see you guys play for the first time in a long time.

It will be the first time I’ve seen any of you in ages, apart from Victoria.

I’ll see you for the last time tonight.

It’s been that long time since I’ve been out of here.

I can go out whenever I want, as long as they know where I’m going, but the thing is I have nowhere to go.

They feel bad for me.

I see the sympathetic looks they give me as I follow Victoria down the colorless halls.

I don’t care, because I get to see you for the last time tonight.

It will be the last time it’s safe for me to; I’m slowly getting worse.

It took a lot of convincing the doctors for approval, but we managed.

We pull up in the taxi and she gives me a ticket for the show.

I go inside and she heads off to go backstage.

I wander around, past the bar, looking for something to occupy my time until it’s your turn.

Sorry, dude- a familiar voice says, almost bumping into me and spilling drinks as he brushes past me.

It’s fine, Nate- I say absentmindedly.

I don't mean to.

I see him turn to do a double take out of the corner of my eyes, but by then I’ve walked into the crowd.

I find a seat near the bar as soon as I’m sure he’s gone.

I can’t drink, but find I sit nearby, in case you happen to come.

You don’t, but it’s okay, because briefly stops by to tell me you’re almost on.

The lights dim, signaling the crowd to quiet down so the show can start.

And then you’re on stage.