Following You

Clothes were strewn all over the place I call home. I’d been too lazy to remove all the clothes from my suitcase and put them away or take all my dirty clothes to be cleaned, instead I was living out of my suitcase with barely any clean clothes left. I guess I just hadn’t got down to anything because of how tired I was, I’d been doing one of my jobs, that being a drum tech for my brother and best friend‘s, Oliver Sykes and Matt Nichols, band Bring Me The Horizon. I enjoyed touring over America and being able to see and experience so many amazing things, but eventually it takes a toll on you and your body. I was tired and I’d gained a couple of pounds because of the rubbish food that I had to consume. But now that I was home I decided on a fresh start, which I was actually looking forward to.

During tour I had had plenty of chances to be with lots of different women and have countless one night stands, but I guess I’m not really like that, I actually prefer being in a relationship with someone that I know I care for and the feelings are mutual for them, so maybe with a fresh start I will be able to find a girl I want to be in a relationship with.

I used to have that relationship but I guess it weren’t as good as I thought, her name was Nicole, we barely even lasted a week into tour. She got bored and went off with someone else, someone who would be there all the time and probably offer her a lot more. When that did happen though I sort of lost a fair bit of confidence, when I was around people I was familiar with I was fine but when I met someone new, which I did a lot, I would start to get really nervous around them. If I can, then I’ll stay with someone I’m close with, then I don’t have to worry too much but when they’re thousands of fans trying to get to your brother they’ll come and talk to you straight away.

I don’t really know how that one girl was able to crush me so much, it could have been the way she seemed to feel no remorse when she broke up with me or maybe it was just because I had actually loved her. I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve like I may have done in the past and I no longer present the honesty I used to either.

I lie my way out of things, I do it with my friends, my family and new acquaintances, I wish I didn’t though, it only seems to get me into more problems with everyone. I had to just try and get over her, a while ago Oliver said I had only convinced myself that I was over her but far from it, I guess he was right, part of me still wants her back but I don’t think it could ever work.

I’d changed so much but I weren’t the only one. Unlike me, Oliver was lucky in his relationship, he found someone he believes, like the rest of us, that he could settle down with, he just didn’t want to rush things. Her name was Holli, she was actually an alright lass, a girl each and everyone of us actually got on with for a change. I hated to admit it but I was jealous of him, I didn’t want Holli, I was just jealous that he actually got something that I really wanted but didn’t have. It used happened when we was little, it happened now and it would most likely carry on until one of us passes away.

Part of me wondered what would happen if I called her, if I told her that I was back and I’d be staying here for a while, would she drop her new guy as easy as she did with me. I know I’d feel guilty though if that happened, that guy could possibly feel how I have for some time, then again it was sort of his fault when it came to me losing Nicole.

I just needed to get my mind off of everything like that for awhile and get my flat sorted out, it was a tip. I wanted to sort out pictures from tour too, I’d taken more then I usually do, mainly because of how attached I was to my new camera. I grabbed my laptop off the side, opening it up and connecting my camera, due to the big bulk of photos I was uploading I had to wait a fair amount of time. I took some time to check MySpace pages and such, it’s was pretty useless, I was never really able to contact anyone I really knew on there because I’d be bombarded with comments off of people I didn’t know when they realised I was online, trying to start a conversation but never getting one.

When all the pictures had uploaded though, I directed my full attention towards them, deleting the ones that weren’t any good and editing a few. There was one of Nicole on there, me and her actually, someone else had obviously taken it but I just kept staring at it. At her. At our hands that were clasped together. At the look she once held in her eyes for me. I used to wake up to that look, every single day and each time it startled me but in such a good way. I moved the cursor over the little red cross at the bottom of the page, debating whether to keep it in hope of getting back together, or whether to delete it so that I don’t have it as a reminder of what I once had. I pressed down lightly, deleting it. And then deleting the folder which held pictures of us, probably weren’t the most mature thing to do, trying to delete memories. I think that’s one of my only ways of getting over her. Removing anything that reminded me of her, I’d have to get new sheets because the scent of her perfume still roams them, I’d have to get rid of the pictures, I’d have to get rid of one of my favourite jumpers because she purchased it for me and I’d have to get rid of so much more.

All this probably did seem quite stupid but it was going to happen. Something good had to be heading my way, but, do I sit back and wait or do I go search for it?

I just have to hope that whatever it may be finds me soon, I think I deserve something good.

Even though my job may seem fun I do work hard and even though my lifestyle may seem easy it can be tiring, so now I need my break, I’m so impatient though that I just want to find it now, be it a person or an object or may even a new look on everything.

That’s the type of thing I need and that is what I’m going to get.