We Won't Regret This

John's POV

I could feel my heartbeat in my ears, as I spoke, my voice cracking, "Pat?"

Pain washed over me like a harsh wave, the kind that sends you fighting to the surface. I shut my eyes tightly, wishing that the darkness would just swallow me up. When I opened my eyes, Pat was standing before me looking completely dishelved. I couldn't speak, my throat felt like it was closing up and I had to take deep, paced breaths as we stood and looked at each other.

"John..." he began, his voice rising, "Jack is totally drunk and I took him outside to get some air and he kept wanting to go back in and-"

I surprised myself by cutting off his frantic words, "Stop," my voice shook as I spoke, "I really can't do this right now, Pat."

I turned and walked away, my tears finally spilling over. I had to leave him there. Looking at his face just sent that image of him and Jack replaying through my head. Each time I thought about it, each time I took a step further away from him, my heart broke.

It physically broke. I could feel the distinct pain welling up from my stomach throughout my body. By the time I reached the room, I was shaking in sobs. I had no desire to hear what happened. I didn't want to hear Pat tell me that he didn't want me anymore.

I guess he had grown bored with me, even though we hadn't been together for long. My eyes felt cold and dry by the time the sun rose, Pat had never come back to our room.

I tried not to think about him going back to Jack's room. I tried not to think about Pat at all. It felt like every second he wasn't with me was eating away at my heart. I didn't want to see anyone. I knew I wouldn't be able to hide what I was feeling.

They would want to know what was going on. They would want to know why I looked like hell, why my throat kept me from speaking. They would want to know why my chest rose and fell so jaggedly, like holding my breath would kill me.

My heart hurt.

At around 6, two hours before we had to leave, I quietly packed all of my things and checked out, going back up to our bus.

I hid away in my bunk, Death Cab For Cutie blaring from my headphones as I drifted in and out of slumber. I turned my back to the curtain when I heard the bus door open and shut, footsteps audibly approaching the bunks.

"John?" Jared called, "you in here?"

I shut my eyes, trying to steady my breathing. The last thing I wanted was to talk. I knew I would fall so far apart, I might break. I might cause myself to regret ever going to that bar last night. I might regret letting myself fall so hard. I might regret joining this band.

That couldn't happen. I couldn't allow this to drive me to being selfish. This band was so much more than me. This band was everything. So I held my breath.

I hear Jared push the curtain back slightly, and thankfully he didn't bother to try and wake me. Soon enough, everyone was piling into the bus and it seemed they were trying their hardest to be as loud as possible. I turned my music up as loud as it could go, avoiding the sound of Pat's voice.

I stared at the wall as the bus began moving, desperately attempting to think about anything but him. I soon realized that it was pointless, and I hated myself for missing him. My heart sunk when I felt as tentative hand against my back.

I hardly heard him speak, due to the volume of my music, but his voice broke against my heart like a wave. I couldn't swallow or breathe.

"I love you, John, and only you. Jack kissed me. I tried to get him off of me, you have to believe me. I miss you. He was drunk and I regret even going there last night. Please, please believe me."

His voice sounded so small. He sounded tired, hurt. But I couldn't move. I couldn't turn to face him, I couldn't speak. My mind was turning, working out what he had said. His words weaved through my thoughts, but I didn't feel anything. As he walked away, I tried to fight off the numbness, my fingers grasping the thin blanket beside me. But all I could do was feel my heart pound in my chest.

I missed the feeling of his heartbeat. I missed the feeling of our breath combining like different winds. I missed his hand in mine. I missed the feeling of being able to trust him with my heart. I fell into a harsh sleep, waking in a pool of sweat.

I knew that I couldn't live like this for long.