Cut My Wrists And Blacken My Eyes

M..My.My toys? What the hell did she mean by that? Why was she saying this. Why was I awake? What was happening? I could feel the slight pressure of a bandage on my arm. It was already soaked through with blood. The damp fabric was leaving a red stain on the sheets. I put my arm back down and closed my eyes. Timing the harsh throbbing in my arm with the shound of rushing blood in my ears. I sighed and thought back on the last few days. What was going on here? This wasnt me. This wasnt what was suppost to happen. I didnt fall in love with beautiful unpredictible girls. Love wanst even real. Not for me at least. It was a made up fantasy that i havent had the imagination to conjure. I sobbed softly after a while rolling over and buring my face in my pillow. It smelt of allith. The restriction over my mouth and nose was refreshing. My breath came harder and i didnt want it to continue.

I opened my eyes to see faint sunshine leeking through the closed wooden shutters in Alliths room. I could feel her soft frail body laying next to me. Her arms tangled around my torso as if for safe keeping. I remainded momentarily in a state of ignorant bliss. Not able to feel the putside pains of everyday life that were slowly creeping into me. I let her hold me together. Like tape holds together the strest broken peices of a vase. I smiled to myself. Boy that felt good i hadnt smiled in a long time. Turning over to my side i saw darling in the corner and smiled at him. He smiled back wordlessly. I looked at allith her breath now on my neak sending cold chills down my spine. I felt like a little girl getting candy.

I reached up and moved her red hair out of her eyes. Sighing ath this moment. Her eyes brilliant vilot eyes fluttered open restlessly and she smiled at me. “well goodmornig there.”I said softly in a brethless whisper. “Morning.”” She said a conserned look taking over her calm features. I hated that. She was going to get made I cringed and felt a pain go down my chest into my stomache. I curled into it slightly hoping allith wouldnt notice. She did.

“Are you okay?”She said in a tone that made me sigh in regret.
“Mnm I’m fine.” I said agaon in my new breathless tone. It seemed to worry her more but i just shrugged it off. I still wanted to die. No matter what she did she would never take that away. She would never be able to compleatly push the nagging sense of self pity of.. of.. seth worthlessness that made you want to cut. That made you want to die because she would be better off without me.
I lent over towards her. Her sent intoxicating me. Making me feel giddy. Like i was drunk without the need to remove the contents of my guts out onto the floor. The look on her face was impossible to read as i slowly positioned myself on top of her. Careful not to be touching her. My hands we either side of her head and i was looking directly in her eyes. I glanced uncontiosly to were darling had been standing but he was gone. I was happy about that. Lightly i gently put my lips to hers. Her breath stilled for a minute we were both staring into each others eyes. Her body tensed as she looked at me with a questioning look. I pulled away and smiled at her. A Unsure reassuring look. Telling her it wasnt a joke. I let the tips of my fingers run down her face. She sighed and relaxed with my touch.
Smiling i felt the warmpth of her skin against my icy fingers, I began ti shiver. She oulled me into her tight warming me up slightly. I kissed her again this time closing my eyes and letting her guid me tio where she wanted me, Her warm soft lips slightly oarted and she pushed her wet tounge into my mouth. I let her. I continued kissing her my brath slowly catching in my thrat the unbareable feeling of claustiphobia overtook my mind. I let out a squeak of far as i felt the ghost hands of my father gripping my wrists holding me down. I felt his rough tounge forcing intself inti my oursed lips i stood uo and took a step back. The stench of run and ciggerettes met my memories and made my gaso in fear. I stepped back but my heel hit something and i fell back onto my back. I cralled backwards to the coner gasping for breath putting my head in my knees. I felt his hard clloused hands on my thigh and i sobbed. His whiskers rubbing against my cheek. I could hear him panting in my e ar. Felt him squeeze me tight. I shut my eyes hard not listening not feeling. Wishing it was gone. Whishing he was gone.

“Leave me alone. Please... Not tonight.. I-i-i cant.. Please your-your hurting me..”I beeged. Knowing he wasnt there but was in my head. I cryed against the wall. Flinching as warm arms rested around my shoulders. I wished for freedom. But this cage was built with my own bones. It was built by me. It was the strongest thing i had and i didnt think to make a key. I screamed. One loud high pitch scream.