Hurricane

January 2006

I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was lay there in Brendon’s bunk, listening to him snore as I thought about Pete.

I wanted to be in my own bunk, by myself, but I knew it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. I was scared of what I might do if I were alone. I had been fine for so long, but there was still that tiny part of me that was nervous about being on my own. And now I felt more alone than ever. Pete was the one person I could count on to make me feel better and make me stronger and now I didn’t have him.

Eventually I drifted off into a troubled sleep, waking up several times during the night. Eventually I just went to my own bunk, curling up in a ball and burying my face in my pillow. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to hurt like this. But there was nothing I could do to stop it and soon I was shaking with silent sobs, wondering how things had gotten to this point.

I felt a hand on my back, rubbing it in a comforting way. I knew without looking that it was Brendon and I was glad he wasn’t saying anything. The fact that he was just there gave me a glimmer of hope that I would make it through this.

Somehow I managed to stop crying. Brendon sat on the edge of my bunk the entire time, just rubbing my back. It was in this moment that I realized just how exhausted I was and I fell asleep.

---

I woke up sometime later, alone in my bunk again. The bus was moving, but I didn’t know what time it was or where we were going. I didn’t really care though, when I thought about it.

I closed my eyes, willing myself to fall back asleep. I didn’t have to think about anything when I was asleep.

---

When I woke up again, it was because Brendon was shaking me. I looked up at him a sleepy haze, not entirely sure what was happening. I noticed the bus wasn’t moving.

“We’re going to go get some dinner,” Brendon said. “You should come with us.”

I yawned and reclosed my eyes.

“I’m not hungry,” I said quietly.

“You should still come and try to eat something,” he said. “You’ve been sleeping all day.”

“I’m tired,” I said, rolling over so that my back was to him. I heard him sigh.

“I’ll bring something back for you in case you change your mind,” he finally said. I didn’t say anything and as soon as I heard him leave, I fell back asleep.

---

I should have realized that sleep couldn’t be a safe haven forever. I woke up again after having a dream where Pete was involved. I was crying again. I pressed my face hard against my pillow, trying to be quiet about it, but apparently it was no use. I heard the curtain hiding my bunk get pulled away, and there was Brendon, back to comfort me. He crawled into my bunk and pulled me towards him to hug me. I pressed my face into the front of his t-shirt, still crying.

Over my sobs I could just hear Brendon singing softly but I didn’t make the effort to figure out what it was. What I did know is that the low sound comforted me. Eventually my sobbing subsided, and Brendon stopped singing. Silent tears were still leaking from my eyes but I could speak now.

“Thank you,” I whispered to Brendon. I wiped at my face a little, trying to get rid of some of the wetness on my face.

“For what?” he asked.

“For being here,” I replied quietly.

“No one should have to go through this alone,” he said. My face was wet again. I felt Brendon’s lips on my forehead for a second and I closed my eyes. “Go back to sleep.”