You Can't Be Missed, If You Never Go Away

I'd immediately gone back to the airport and bought a ticket back to England. I didn't want to be here any longer. I just wanted to go home and...be miserable. Every time I closed my eyes, or stopped to think, the image sprang back into my mind. Jack had cheated on me. I couldn’t believe it. Though I'd always been afraid of losing him, I never really thought it would happen. I mean, I thought he loved me. How could I have been so stupid? God, I bet they'd been together the whole fucking time I was sitting at home on my own, lonely out of my mind, just wishing Jack was with me. I felt like such a fucking idiot.

As soon as I got home, I went straight up to our...my room. I fell onto the bed and cried into my pillow. I finally allowed all the tears I had been storing, to flow from my eyes. This house felt emptier than ever now. Before it had been empty, but I'd always known that Jack would be coming home soon, and it wouldn’t feel empty anymore. But now...now it would forever be empty. Because I knew that I could never live here with anyone else. I didn't want to. If I wasn't going to have the one person I loved, then I wouldn’t have anyone.

I wish I had been enough. I wish I was what he wanted. I wish he loved me enough to... I shook my head slightly, getting rid of the thoughts. There was no point wishing now. it was over, it was done. I briefly wondered what would have happened if I hadn’t found out. Would Jack have told me? Or would he have continued to lie about it? Or would he have just never come back? I didn't know which outcome I would have preferred. Obviously, I would have preferred if he hadn’t done it all...but he had. And now we were over.

I didn't remember falling asleep, but at some point I must have cried myself to sleep, because I was woken up by my alarm going off. I frowned. Why was my alarm going off? I rolled over and hit the button to turn it off. I then tried to focus my eyes to see what time it was. 9.30. I frowned again, but then my heart practically stopped when I saw something on my bedside table. It was silver, and catching the light from the open window. I sat up slowly, never taking my eyes off the ring. I hesitantly reached out and realised that it wasn't my imagination. It was real. I looked around the room, but nothing else was different. I was kind of scared to move, but I felt compelled to leave the room and go searching. I went into the kitchen and living room, but no one was here. I looked down at the ring in my hand and tears pricked in my eyes. Maybe he'd brought it back and left again. Tears slowly trickled down my cheeks. I continued to stare at the ring. I didn't know what to do with it. I mean, obviously I wanted it. If I wore it, it would be like Jack being with me all the time. But...he'd cheated on me. He'd hurt me more than I thought possible. Did I want him with me? I closed my eyes as I slipped the ring onto my finger again. Of course I did. Even if he didn't want me anymore, I still wanted him. I looked down at the ring on my finger as I started crying again. I felt so ridiculous. How could I still love him after what he did?

I turned, planning on going back up to bed, when I froze. Jack was standing in the doorway, tears running down his cheeks just like mine. I didn't know what to do. My first instinct was to run into his arms and hold him, but...something held me back. I didn't know why he was here. For all I knew, he was just here to pick up the rest of his stuff before returning to America. At least if he was in America, I wouldn’t have the fear of running into him and his new boyfriend when I'm walking around town or anything. I'd never see him again.

I lowered my head. It was far more likely he was here to get something to take back. "Just...get what you came here for and then leave," I said. My voice sounded completely defeated. But I didn't care. He knew he hurt me so there was no point trying to cover it up. When he didn't move, I felt my heart twisting painfully. I knew the more I saw him, the harder it would be once he was gone. "Please...just leave me be," I said desperately.
"You...You want me to?" he asked, his voice catching. I closed my eyes against the onslaught of tears. Of course I didn't want him to leave me. But it hurt too much to see him.
"I...I..." I didn't know what to say. I couldn’t lie to him, but I didn't want to tell him the truth.
"Tell me you want me to leave you, Liam. And I will," he said, stepping towards me hesitantly. I looked up, finally, into his eyes and felt my heart lurch.
"I don’t want you to hurt me," I whispered, my voice barely louder than a sigh. Tears gathered in Jacks eyes and when he blinked, they started rolling down his cheeks.
"I don’t want to hurt you, either," he said but I shook my head.
"It's too late, Jack," I whispered, looking away from him again.
"No, Liam, you don’t understand," Jack said, taking another step closer to me. I desperately wanted to back away from him, scared of what would happen if I let myself be too close to him. "That wasn't what it looked like. Taylor was just..." He sighed and trailed off. "Taylor's an actor and he-"
"You said he plays the guitar," I said, angry that he was already lying to me.
"He does, he does both," Jack said immediately and I could see no deception in his face. "He isn’t gay. And he had to kiss a guy in some play he is in and he just asked if he could kiss me to see if he could do it." I continued to frown as I searched his face for any hint that he was lying. I couldn’t find any. I looked into his eyes as I bit my lip.
"You know that sounds like a shit excuse that you just made up," I said and I saw tears gather again in Jack's eyes.
"It's not! I promise you, Lee. I would never cheat on you. I love you so much!" Jack's voice was so desperate that I found it extremely hard not to believe him.
"Okay," I whispered. I saw Jack's lips part but he didn't say anything. "I love you, too." I was still hesitant, but that wasn't a lie. I did love him. And I was going to do my best to believe that he hadn’t cheated on me.
"You don’t believe me," Jack said softly.
"I want to..." I whispered. Jack nodded and lowered his head. "When do you have to go?" I asked quietly. Jack raised his head and looked at me.
"I'm not going anywhere," he said and I frowned slightly, confused.
"But...what about...school?" I asked and he shrugged.
"I quit," he said and I gasped.
"What? Why?" I asked, shocked. "Juilliard is your dream!"
"Was," he said and I frowned. "Juilliard was my dream. I have a new dream now." I felt my heart racing as I realised what he was saying. "My dream is to live my life with you."
"Jack," I whispered, tears gathering, again, in my eyes. "I can't ask you to do that. Not for me."
"I know," he nodded. "You didn't ask me to. I chose to do it. And I don’t regret it. The last few months at the school were incredible, but I missed you too much. I don’t want my career to come before you. I won't let it come before you. You...you and me together is my priority." I looked into his eyes and saw just how serious he was.
"I can't believe you gave that up," I whispered and he shrugged.
"I don’t care about losing that school. I care about losing you. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure I don’t lose you," he said and I smiled weakly.
"I love you," I whispered and Jack smiled softly and partly in relief.
"I love you, too," he said. "So much."

I then moved quickly across the room and threw my arms around Jack's neck and pressed my lips against his. Jack immediately wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me to him as tightly as possible. The kiss turned deeper quickly and Jack's hands moved under my shirt and across my skin. I broke the kiss, breathing heavily. "Jack," I whispered, trying to catch my breath. Jack's response was to lower his head and place soft, tender kisses all over my neck. I gasped as he bit teasingly at my skin and gripped onto him tighter.
"I missed you," he whispered and I smiled and moved my hands up and threaded them into his soft hair.
"I know, I missed you, too," I whispered back. Jack suddenly pushed me backwards and my knees hit the couch. I fell back and Jack instantly lay over me. Both of us knew that we didn't have enough patience to make it to the bedroom.



It was 5.30 in the morning and I was still awake. Jack and I had eventually moved to the bedroom, our bedroom, but I couldn’t sleep. I was wrapped in Jack's arms and I felt so content, and yet... "Baby, go to sleep," Jack mumbled and I turned and looked at him. His eyes were still closed but I knew he was awake.
"Are you sure your okay with leaving it?" I whispered as watched his face.
"I'm positive," he said. "I'm exactly where I need to be." I smiled softly.
"But-"
"Liam, I want to be here," he said, opening his eyes to look at me, to try to get his point across. "I want you. I want my future to be with you. And no way in hell am I going to risk our future." I smiled weakly. I snuggled against him and closed my eyes.
"What do you see in our future?" I whispered, my eyes still closed. Jack shifted position slightly, so he could hold me closer as he talked.
"I see you and me together. We'll get married. A small ceremony, just family and friends. You'll get a job as a psychiatrist in the city and everyone will come to you for help. I'll get a job somewhere, or maybe I'll go into teaching... I dunno. After a few years, we'll move outside of the city, and get a bigger house but close enough so that it's easy for you to commute. And then we could adopt a child. Maybe a little girl. I think I'd like to have a daughter... I think I'd be a good dad. I think we'd both be good parents. Obviously, a few years later, we could adopt another child so she has a brother or sister to play with. Because I don’t want my daughter to be lonely. If I went into teaching, I could teach at the local school and then pick the kids up after school." There was a short pause. "I think I'd like that."

Tears were slowly trickling down my cheeks and I didn't want to say anything in case all the emotion inside spilled out. After a short while, Jack lifted his head and looked at me. When he saw my tears, his face softened. "Lee," he breathed as he fingers skimmed over my cheek, brushing up the tears.
"That...that sounds p-perfect," I whispered and Jack smiled and kissed me tenderly. "I want everything you just described." Jack smiled and nodded before settling back into my arms.
"I'll do whatever I can to make that come true, Lee," he whispered. "My mission in life is to make you happy. That's all I want."
"As long as I have you, then I'm good," I smiled and Jack smiled as well. I pressed a kiss to his temple and then we both drifted to sleep, our dreams filled with the images Jack had conjured up. And I knew that that would come true one day.