As Depression Takes Over

“How awful.” Ryan says to himself. He’s trying on a par of skinny jeans his boyfriend, Pete, wanted him to try. They were black and tight.

Ryan always wears tight clothes. Pete tells him it makes him look even more irresistible. Sometimes it seems like Pete’s using me for sex. What if he’s cheating on me? What if he doesn’t love me? Of course he doesn’t love me. No one does.

“Ryan, let me in.” Pete said. Ryan unlocked the door for him. He watched as Pete locked it again. “Look towards the mirror.” Pete whispered in his ear. When Ryan looked at himself he saw pure ugliness. Shame on me. Ryan isn’t pretty. Well, he doesn’t think he is.

Pete wrapped his arms around Ryan’s waist and placed his chin on his shoulder.

“Mmm. You look so delicious.” Pete moaned in his ear.

“Really?”

“Of course, baby. Why wouldn’t you be?”

“Umm…” Because I'm not.

“Exactly.” Ryan watched as Pete kissed his cheek slowly several times. “Can I help you take them off?”

“Of course.” You’re just going to do it anyways. Pete unbuttoned and unzipped them then pulled them down. Ryan took his feet out and let Pete place him on the cold, white seat. “What are you doing?” There was a hint of fear in his voice.

“I’m just admiring your lovely legs.” Pete started kissing one of them. He slowly made his way up.

“Not here, Pete. We could do so much more at your house.” Pete liked his idea. Ryan didn’t. He just didn’t want to have sex in a public area again. They were almost banned from the mall if it wasn't for Pete's nasty suggestion. That was one of the worst days of his life. It still creeps up in his mind.

No, Ryan. Don’t think about it. Please, don’t think about it.

He told himself that a lot. Not only because what happened that day. He tells himself that everyday.

“I’ll pay for your clothes. Wait by the car.” Ryan nodded and gave him a kiss before heading out the mall and over to Pete’s expensive car. Pete’s not a show off. He’s just…a cocky bastard.

Ryan leaned against the car. He closed his eyes and let his thoughts fade against the sunshine. He was relaxed for once. These days it’s a rare and special moment when Ryan didn’t feel pressured, hurt, abandoned, betrayed, lost, confused, and depressed.

“Hey, Ryan.” Ryan opened his eyes and looked to his side.

“Oh, Derek.”

“How are you, Ryan?” he said.

“I’m fine. I’m just waiting for-”

“Pete?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I want to ask you something. Would it be okay if you came over to my house Wednesday around noon?”

“It’d be fine.”

“Great.” Out of nowhere Derek gave Ryan a slow kiss. It was like a few seconds long. Well, long enough for Pete to think Ryan was cheating on him. Derek left before Ryan was within Pete’s grasp. He looked at Ryan was angry eyes.

“Get in the car.” he said, trying not to make a scene.

.......................................

Pete pulled Ryan in the house, up the stairs, and into his room. Lucky for Pete his parents are never home. If they are they leave immediately for one purpose. Business.

Pete pushed Ryan into the wall. “You kissed him didn’t you! You filthy slut!”

Ryan couldn’t believe his ‘sweet’ boyfriend would do something like that. Then again, he could. This isn't the first time Pete has yelled at him or throw him into a wall. Pete's even pushed him down the stairs and broke one of Ryan's legs. Ryan doesn't have the guts to break up with him. He doesn't want to be alone.

Ryan looked at him. Petes' liquid gold eyes turned into cold, stone.

“Pete please! Let me explain! Please!”

“Explain? Explain what? Explain the reason my boyfriends lips were touching someone else right in front of my eyes?!” Pete kicked Ryan several times. Ryan screamed as the pain rushed through his body. "Tell me, Ryan! Cause I would really love to know!" Ryan got up slowly so he wasn't so vunerable. He put his hands on Pete’s shoulders and looked at him with big, pleading eyes. It made Pete calm down.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was going to kiss me. I swear. He just...kissed me. Let me make it up to you.”

“How?” Ryan gave him the best kiss he could. Pete felt like his body was turning into a puddle of shame. He realized how much he cared for the boy. He felt bad. I shouldn’t have went at him like that. Pete thought.

“Sorry, Ry. I guess I love you so much…I just don’t want to lose you.” Ryan didn’t smile. He just keep a straight face. “Let me make it up to you.” Pete gently held his hand and led him towards his bed.

“Pete, you don’t have too.” I don't want you to.

“But I must. I need to.”

............................................

“Pete...” Ryan said as he woke up. His voice was raspy. “Pete…” Ryan was in pain. I don’t think I’ll be able to get downstairs. *Gasp* Is that blood?! "Pete!"

"Ryan! Are you okay?"

"Can you help me get in the shower, cause I really need a shower." Pete nodded.

"Sure, baby. I'll get the water ready for you." While Pete started the shower Ryan thought about that day. You know, the one he told himself not to. Well, it didn't work...

"Pete, what are you doing?" I ask my boyfriend.

"I'm taking your clothes off so we can have some fun together."

"In a dressing room?" I say nervously.

"Yes." Pete came into me. It hurts really bad. He kisses me and apologizes, but he didn't stop.

"Stop, before someone comes." I say, trying my best to hold back a moan. He shook his head. "No?"

"No."

"Please. Please." I beg. He shakes his head once more. I feel my tears fall down my face. I don't want to have sex. Not here. Not now. "Stop." I don't want to scream and get caught. Plus, I don't want to yell at him. Even though he yells at me...and hits me...and occasionally kicks me, but that doesn't mean I should do the same. Right?

I'm so stupid.

"Hey! What's going on in there?" A man asks. Pete doesn't respond. After awhile the person unlocks the door with a key. He sees me, naked, and Pete kissing me all over.

"Hey, hows it going?" Pete asks him as he starts to put his clothes on.

"Fine. You know I can call the police, right? You'll never be aloud here again?"

"I know. Would you call them if I let you have a turn with him?" The worker smirks. Why would Pete offer such a thing? I don't want this. Not at all.

"You give me a turn with the boy and I won't call anyone." I gasp and shake my head.

"Deal." Pete gets up and walks out the dressing room. The worker locks the door and kneels beside me.

"Aren't you a pretty little thing?" He touches my face and kisses me. "Do you know what we're going to do?" I nod. My tears fall down even faster. "Then get on your hands and knees.... "

"Ryan! Are you okay?" Ryan looked up and saw Pete. He just looked at him. "I'll carry you."

Ryan was mad at himself for thinking about that day. That day scarred him for life. He's never felt so violated and heartbroken. His own boyfriend practically sold him to some stranger. Wouldn't you be scarred?

"Pete? Thanks."

"You're welcome, my dear." Pete kisses Ryan's head.

Why can't I just say it? Why can't I leave him? I want to...sort of. What am I going to do? He's killing me. I can't live like this. I already get enough from my dad. What am I going to do?