Cold As You

The day of Sidney's birthday- the same day he would spend with the Cup as the entire town celebrated with him- he called me. I couldn't believe it, and I almost didn't answer the phone. I almost let it go to voicemail as I stared at his name on the screen, the name that didn't disappear when I blinked. I finally was able to get my trembling finger to press the accept button and I slowly brought the phone up to the side of my face, pressing it against my ear cautiously.

I didn't speak. My mind was racing and my palms were sweating and my heart was racing and I couldn't formulate a proper sentence. Besides, anything I would probably say would be both hurtful and extremely mean. I mean, I should have hated Sidney, but I still didn't want to ruin what was one of the most important days of his life.

"Evangeline?" He said finally. I don't know how long I was silent on the line, but I knew it was long enough for my creepy labored breathing to get to Sidney.

"Yea-yeah, I'm uhm, here," I stuttered, blinking hard and shaking my head at how absolutely pitiful I was coming off.

"How are you?" He asked me. I wasn't sure if he was asking me this to be a dick, or because he actually cared. Surely he knew he was the reason I left Pittsburgh, and that I spent almost every night crying myself to sleep. I'm sure he was aware that I couldn't hear his name without practically shuddering. How was I? How was I?

"I'm fucking horrible. You broke my heart asshole. You're selfish and I can't believe you even have the audacity to call me without immediately apologizing for what a heartless fuck face you've been for the past two months," I said.

Only I didn't really say that. I only wished I had.

Instead I spent a few more seconds racking my brain for a proper answer for his seemingly harmless question before he just pretended he hadn't asked me and went on with the conversation.

"Are you coming out today?" He inquired.

Was he serious right now? I looked around me to see if someone else was in the room laughing from the corner at the look of sheer horror that had crossed my face. I glanced out the window to see if someone was standing there with a camera, filming my priceless reactions. But there was no one, only me and my rapidly beating heart and damp hands.

"I uh, I dunno," I managed to sputter. It seemed my brain was stuck somewhere in-between completely shutting down, and working way too hard. The wheels were spinning so quickly my head was starting to spin and I suddenly felt like passing out. But I didn't. Surprisingly.

"You know this day wouldn't be the same if you weren't standing next to me the entire time," he told me softly, thoughtfully. I closed my eyes tightly and titled my head back, just praying I was in some stupid cliché dream. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to go out, I wanted to pretend like it wasn't August 7th, and I wanted to lie in bed all day eating pizza and watching CSI. God, it was like my life had turned into a fucking soap opera. "Max'll be there too," he added, like he was almost trying to bribe me. I was sure of the fact Sidney knew I didn't want to be around him, but that didn't stop him from wanting to be around me. In his stupid boy mind I would still be there for him. Because he was an idiot, but I was a bigger one because I never just accepted the fact he only saw me as a friend.

"Sidney-" I almost begged over the airwaves. I didn't want to see him, I didn't want to go out, and I sure as hell didn't want a thousand plus pictures of myself looking like absolute hell while I stood next to a smiling Sidney Crosby. I prayed he would tell me he didn't want me there, that I would be let off the hook. But we both knew all he had to do was ask and I would be there. I would hate my life to make Sidney Crosby happy. It was pathetic really, perhaps even more than pathetic. But I just couldn't help it, and that sucked more than anything.

"Please Vannie," he pleaded with me. And I could practically see the puppy dog eyes, the pout on his already big lips. I caved.

"What time?" I asked.

The next thing I knew I was standing sideline watching lift the Cup over his head at an Army base. I was standing with his parents and sister who seemed to know nothing about the mess their son and brother had made me. But I guess I figured that much, I wouldn't expect Sidney to call up his mom and say "Oh hey Mom. I fucked Evangeline tonight and left her to wake up alone. She's real pissed now. But enough about me, how was your day?" I mean come on.

So I threw on the fake smile I had become so good at wearing and stood off to the side. And then once he was done with his duties there, I piled into a car with him and Max and we made our way to where Sidney would be playing street hockey with a few of his old friends; he would be in goal.

"People sure do love you. Which is good, because no one on the team does. At least not anymore," Max joked on our way to the park.

"I was the hero of the Playoffs," Sidney grinned, joking back with his teammate.

"I'm sorry- how many goals did you score in Game Seven?" Max smirked. And the conversation was over. I laughed at their antics and shook my head softly as I set my glance out the window.

"Thanks for coming Evan," Sidney said, breaking me from my trance like state. "It means more to me than you know."

I discreetly sucked in a sharp breath, like I had been kicked in the stomach. Because that's sort of what it felt like to hear Sidney talk like that about me. Sometimes I thought things would be easier if he just hated me, if when I had caught him leaving in the morning he called me a whore and told me he never wanted to speak to me again. But no, my life would never be that easy. Instead he was still being sweet, and my heart was just repeatedly getting shattered.

After we arrived at the park where Sidney would be playing, and after he had gotten all geared up, Max walked over to me and hugged me tightly. When he pulled away from the bone crunching hug I looked at him, my eyebrows furrowed.

"I know how you must feel right now," he said, justifying his actions. "I know this isn't easy. And I wish I could've brought Sarah along to make this at little easier. And I wish I could have not been such an idiot and brought him back to the apartment that day."

"Don't do that," I told him.

"Do what?"

"Blame yourself for what Sidney did. It's nobody's fault but his own," I said, pushing the hair that had been blowing all around out of my face.

"Then why do you look like you're blaming yourself?" Max asked. And I just shrugged, because I didn't have an answer.