Cold As You

I didn't plan on talking to Sidney. I didn't plan on giving him a call or showing up on the Lemieux's doorstep telling him we needed to talk. I knew I probably should have though. I knew I should have marched right into his bedroom and demanded him explain his horrible actions to me, demand an explanation to why he felt he could use me in the way he did.

But I didn't.

Instead I milled around my house, busied myself with homework and did anything and everything that did not pertain to Sidney Crosby. Well, besides going to games. But if it helped my cause at all, I always wore my Marc-Andre Flurey jersey. Sarah and Maddie each gave me a verbal lashing, telling me I needed to grow a back bone and talk to Sid already. They had also tried to set us up to meet, but I was smarter than they gave me credit for and always got around it.

I was avoiding it because I didn't want to hear the truth, because I knew the truth wouldn't be good. Because if Sidney was desperately in love with me and got scared like a little boy and that's why he left after sleeping with me, I was sure he would have come to me and apologized by now. But truth was, I was still sitting around feeling sorry for myself and he was out already setting himself up for another amazing season.

I finally ran into him in Maddie and Tanger's apartment building. I was going over for a girl's night and I guessed Sidney was coming down from hanging out with Kris. I was waiting for the elevator and when it finally dinged open, Sidney was standing on the other side of the sliding metal doors. My breath hitched in my throat and my jaw hung open slightly. I couldn't believe it- after avoiding for him for so long the line ended here.

He looked up at me and smiled his little half smile and I just looked past him and walked straight forward. He, however, didn't move from inside the elevator. The doors closed again briefly, and reopened again when neither of us selected a floor to ascend to.

"Are you going to Maddie's?" He asked me.

Those were the first words he had spoken to me since I had kicked him out of my house back in Cole Harbor. Are you going to Maddie's? That's what he decided to say to me. Not "I'm sorry", not "why have you been ignoring me?", not "what's going on with us?" No, 'are you going to Maddie's?' Those were his first words to me since he had spat 'real fucking mature Evangeline' at me back in Canada.

Anger rose inside of me for the first time since this had started. Okay, maybe not the first time- but it was the first time I was actually angry at Sidney. Every other time I had simply been angry at the situation. Before all I felt was pathetic and confused, like I couldn't understand why he was doing this and why he just didn't seem to care he was breaking my heart. But now, I was angry. I was angry because he constantly made my life difficult and because he didn't seem to care at all. I was angry because he hadn't once attempted to apologize or even acknowledge that he did anything wrong. I was angry because after all this time I was still wallowing in my own sorrow. I was fucking livid; and not to sound like the Hulk or anything, but you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

"No I'm not going to fucking see Maddie," I growled at him. He looked sort of taken aback by my tone, but didn't automatically jump on the defensive. He wanted to feel the situation out first; that was from the rational side of him you saw in interviews.

"Oh, you know someone else who lives in this building?" He asked me next.

My heart was pounding against my ribcage and it took every ounce of control in my body not to launch at him and tear his eyeballs out. How fucking dare he. I mean really. So maybe he really was as dumb as I thought and didn't know what he did wrong- okay- I could wrap my head around that. But even if he didn't know what he did wrong, he still was well aware of the fact I was angry at him and had been avoiding him for almost three months. Wasn't that sort of a red flag? Didn't I merit at least some sort of half-assed apology? It wasn't like we had been friends for years or anything...oh wait.

"Are you really this oblivious Sidney?" I asked him finally, my anger boiling over.

"To what?" He asked, and I laughed right in his face.

"I'll take that as a yes," I rolled my eyes as I stomped out of the elevator. Just as I thought, Sidney followed me out into the lobby of the apartment building. He grabbed my arm and forced me to turn around and face him, confusion clearly written all over his features.

"Tell me what's the matter Evangeline," he instructed me harshly. "Why have you been avoiding me?"

"You cannot be serious right now," I groaned. "Do you need me to fucking spell it out for you?" I raised my voice at him, my frustrations boiling over with my anger and getting to be too much to handle. "I never thought you were so fucking stupid until now!" I bellowed. His eyes were wide as he watched me yell at him. This was something new for us. As far as our friendship went, I don't think I had ever gotten this angry at him besides my short outburst at him during my stay in Cole Harbor. But even this was different; I wasn't going to hold back. This time I was going to tell him everything I felt, and I knew he was most likely going to be overwhelmed. Sidney wasn't used to being yelled at, I was probably the first person to really give him a good screaming at. And boy was I going to make it one to remember.

"I don't..."

"You don't what? Understand? Well let me help you," I glared at him. His eyes were wide, like he didn't even know who I was. This wasn't the sweet I'm-gonna-kiss-your-ass Evangeline he knew. "You broke my heart Sidney; just fucking shattered it into a million pieces and they left me to pick up the pieces without an explanation. You took advantage of me, more times than once. You slept and left me more than once and then just expected me to be your best friend again when it was your day with the Cup. It's taken me a real long time to realize this, but you are one of the most selfish human beings I have ever met in my entire life," I said, my voice low and venomous. "You have no idea how many times I've been completely miserable because it meant making you happy, and yeah that was stupid on my part, but you should have at least known better. That's what best friends do, they're able to realize when the other person's miserable, and you never did," I shook my head, trying hard to not let my emotions get the best of me. I didn't want to cry. "And the worst part is that this whole time you didn't know any of this. I feel like all I was to you was a stupid little girl who had the nerve to adore you, Sidney Crosby, the Next One, Sid the Kid. Like a fucking puck bunny or a fan girl," I spat.

Sidney stood there staring at me, completely dumbfounded. I could tell he had not the slightest clue of what to say. His face said it all- his chin stuck out, his lips slightly pursed. It's not that I really expected him to have something profound to say after I had dumped that all on him, but I thought he'd at least have something to say. Once again I felt like he didn't even care enough to lie to me, like I wasn't worth wasting his breath.

"I don't know what to say," he admitted honestly.

"It's fine, defending yourself when I know you don't mean it is a waste of breath. But I guess so is trying to apologize to me," I scoffed at him.

"I'm being honest with you and you jump down my throat?" He asked. Now it was his turn to get angry, and I could tell he was well on his way to doing just that. The tips of his ears were turning red, a tell tail sign his blood was beginning to boil. "Give me a fucking second to think Evangeline. Jesus," he breathed through his nose nosily as he shot me an annoyed glance.

"I've given you almost four months to think Sidney," I said in a soft voice. "And if you don't have an answer for me by now, then you'll never give me one. But before I completely walk out of your life, like I'm guessing you want me to, I just want you to answer one question," I told him. He said nothing, instead opting to stand there with his arms crossed over his chest and a rather agitated look on his face. "Why did you lie to me?" I asked almost pitifully.

"When did I lie to you?" He snapped. "Maybe I didn't say the right things at the right times, but I never lied to you Evangeline!"

"The first time we slept together," I clarified in a whisper. "When you told me about how much you cared about me. About how you wanted to move in together and how I meant the world to you," I rambled, my thoughts frantic. "Why did you have to tell me all of that? I would have preferred you just fucked me without saying a word. You didn't need to feed me some stupid lines," I scolded him.

"You do mean the world to me Evan!" He tried to defend himself.

"Then how could you do this to me? Even after I told you I loved you, you still used me. Was it because you knew you could? Or was it because you wanted someone to fuck after you won the Cup and I was just the easiest option?" I seethed.

He opened his mouth like he was actually going to answer my question before closing it again. He was using his years of interview knowledge, I could tell by the look on his face. He was working out a politically correct answer in his head, one that was sort of the truth and one that certainly wouldn't hurt my feelings. But I didn't want that. I wanted the whole truth, no matter how bad it was going to hurt. Because honestly, at this point I don't even think the truth could hurt as bad as his actions. If anything, the truth would give me closure and then maybe I could finally move on with my life.

"It was never like that Evangeline," he ran his fingers through his recently cut hair and shook his head.

"Oh really?" I challenged him. "Then tell me what it was like."

"I don't know," he sighed. "But I do care about you Vannie, I just fucked up. And I did mean what I said; I guess I just didn't know how badly I hurt you."

I stared at him, dumbstruck. Not because he had told me he still cared about me or meant what he said during his bedroom talk, but because he said he didn't know how badly he had hurt me. And all I was thinking was, he couldn't be serious. There was no way in hell he could be telling the truth at that moment. I had told him in Cole Harbor; I had explained to him in the hallway of Max and Sarah's apartment building, I didn't think I needed to tell him again.

"Don't even give me that Sidney," I shook my head, dismissing his half assed apology. "I don't believe you. Not anymore at least. I don't want to put myself through this anymore, I'm done," I shrugged. I turned on my heel stepped towards the elevator, which opened as soon as I pressed the button. I stepped inside and watched as Sidney stare at me as the door closed.

My life had become a whirlwind after my best friend won something he had been dreaming about since I had known him. The time I thought would be one of the happiest and most exciting in our lives had taken a turn for the very worst. I still wasn't sure what possessed Sidney to do what he did to me, and I wasn't sure if I'd ever find out. Because he may have been a good hockey player, but he seriously lacked common sense- and this just proved it. But hey, I guess we all can't be good at everything, huh? As I looked back on our friendship, I can't say I regretted it because some of my best memories involved Sidney. But I can very well assure you of that fact that I felt like a fool for going about our relationship the way I did, and it sucked to find that out five years later.

When the elevator doors opened up on Kris and Addie's floor Sidney was already standing on the other side sucking wind. I guessed he must've run up the stairs after me, and I took a deep breath as I stepped out of the metal box.

"You can't just tell me you're going to stop being friends with me Evangeline," he blurted out, stepping in front of me to stop me in my tracks. "We've known each other for our whole lives; we've been friends since we were seventeen years old. This is just one of those fights best friends have, it's not friendship ending."

"Don't you understand? I can't be friends with you. I've loved you since we were seventeen, and after using me and tossing me to side like someone you just met, I know I can never trust you again. I have to realize that you aren't who I thought you were and we're not going to live happily ever after. I was naive and now I have to pay for it. But you were an inconsiderate prick and you have to pay for that too."

"Listen- I'm sorry Vannie. I mean that, just please- I need you to be in my life," he begged, his chocolate eyes wide and helpless looking.

Four months ago I would have fell for this look. I would have melted and gotten lost in those eyes while I caved and agreed that we needed each other. But four months ago I was stupid. Four months ago I always put Sidney first, and never myself. But fast forward four months and I realized that sometimes being a little selfish and thinking about yourself when it came to your well being was okay. I knew if things went back to the way they were, they would never be the same. Nothing could ever be the same, because these four months would always be in the back of my mind.

"It's not gonna work that way. You're a little too late with apologies anyway, you missed your chance," I said softly, my voice bubbling with emotion. He stood there looking like he was about to cry, and I stood there with a stoic look on my face. The amount of tears that had been allotting on Sidney Crosby had been used up, and I knew I would spend not another second crying over him anymore. "I love you Sid," I said, my smile quivering. "But I've never met anyone in my life with a colder heart than you."

“Evan,” Sidney grabbed my shoulder and forced me to look at him. “Please don’t do this.”

“I don’t have any other choice Sidney,” I shrugged. “I’ll see you around. We have the same friends.”

“You’re being serious right now, aren’t you?” He asked me seriously. And for perhaps the first time since out conversation started I think he realized what was about to happen. I wasn’t just saying all of this to hear the sound of my own voice- I really and truly meant it. I wasn’t going to let him walk all over me any longer, and I really think that scared him. I had always been there for him, and now I wasn’t going to be his doormat any longer.

“Do you think I just said all of that to waste my breath?” I inquired, my eyebrow raised.

“I dunno,” he stated honestly. “I just figured you’d always be there.”

“Sorry,” I said. “But I deserve a lot better.”

And maybe it took me a few years to figure that out, and maybe I had to go through one of the hardest times in my life to realize it- but I did deserve better than Sidney Crosby.

"Now that I'm sitting here thinking it through, I've never been anywhere as cold as you."