Cold As You

The rest of my summer without Sidney around wasn't as enjoyable as I would have hoped. I firmly believed that not seeing him would allow me to enjoy the sun and not having to go to school, but the pit in my stomach feeling remained. And it didn't have too much to do with the fact that everywhere I turned people were talking about him either. I mean, I was either in Cole Harbor or Pittsburgh, both of which were infected with Crosby fever. Okay, maybe I was lying. Of course having to hear about, or see, Sidney almost everywhere I went did have an effect on my healing process, but I liked to think it wasn't as big of an effect as the fact that my heart, in plain English, was shattered.

I focused on that a lot actually. My heart being shattered I mean. I thought when Mark Reidy pushed me down on the blacktop in Kindergarten and I skinned my knees my heart was shattered, I thought that when my childhood dog, Ralph ran away and never came back my heart was shattered, I thought that when the Pens lost the Cup last season my heart was shattered, but nothing really compared to what I was experiencing now. I imagined having your heart stomped on by someone you truly loved and trusted with all of your heart- for example, your best friend since you were kids- hurt more than it did when just a random boyfriend did it. And now that I had experienced both types of heartache, I could safely say getting your heart broken by your best friend hurt a hell of a lot more.

It seemed that nothing ever made me truly feel better. When I was around Sidney my heart ached because I was reminded of what he did to me, and when he was gone by heart ached because I missed him. My head and heart were at a constant battle with each other, both thinking they knew what was best for me and therefore making my life one big heap of confusion.

I went to the games once the season started. I wasn't about to sit home when I was the owner of season tickets. Just because the captain of the Penguins had royally screwed me over didn't mean I wasn't going to attend the games of a team I had grown to love. The only down fall of this was that many of the people I sat around had season tickets as well and therefore had grown to know me, and consequently learn who I was friends with. The first game back at the Igloo I was bombarded with questions about the summer from my fellow fans. They all wanted to know what Sidney's day with the Cup was like, how much fun it was spending the summer with him was, how amazing the parade was, etc.

I grinned and bared it all, but as soon as I was in the safety of my apartment when the game ended I cried and cried until I ran out of tears. I knew deep down that I would need to talk to Sidney if I even wanted a chance to get over this whole mess, but I also didn't want to face him. I was too scared, and too afraid of what he would say or do. On the other hand I also felt like I was almost impervious to him inflicting any more pain on me.

"So how are you?" Sarah asked. She and Maddie had forced me to come out to lunch with them, citing it was almost pathetic to watch me mope around like I had been doing.

"And be honest," Maddie chimed in.

I sighed and played around with the straw in my Pepsi. They both frowned and exchanged glances, having a conversation with each other without really saying anything. I knew they felt sorry for me, but I also knew they wished I would magically get better and stop being so goddamn depressed all the time. And to be honest, I wished the same thing.

"Shitty," I shrugged. "But that's nothing new."

"Any better than last time we asked?" Maddie asked, smiling hopefully.

"A little?" I said.

"Do I honestly need to kick his ass?" Sarah asked. "Cause I will. And I'd win, and you know it."

"You don't need to kick his ass," I stated.

"Oh, I think I do," she said boldly. "No one makes my best friend as depressed like he made you. Actually, you know what? Instead of beating him up- although that would be pretty fun- maybe I should just fuck with all of his shit," she grinned menacingly.

"Oooh!" Maddie smiled, clapping her hands together like a little kid and making me laugh at my friend's antics.

"Seriously, do you have any idea how insane he'll go?! I could like, cut the laces on his skates, and retape all of his sticks. Holy fuck, he'll probably kill someone in a fit of rage," she grinned, excitement clearly evident in her voice.

"Don't get too ahead of yourself," I said dully. "It'll probably be you or your brand new fiancée that he'll kill," I state. She smiled evilly and then absent mindedly glanced down at her engagement ring. Max Talbot, the one man I believed would always be a bachelor, was finally settling down. He proposed to Sarah on his day with the Cup. They had been on a boat in the middle of the lake behind his house, their families standing on shore and the Stanley Cup sitting in the back of the boat.

And then there was Maddie and Kris, who seemed to fall even more in love during the summer. After all of his press obligations were filled he whisked her away on a romantic vacation to Jamaica, the first time they had been truly alone for as long as they could remember. Their trip was filled with lavish dinners, scuba diving, resting their bones in the sun, as well as...other extracurricular activities.

I was jealous of their relationships; I would never say it out loud but I'm sure they knew regardless. They both felt so comfortable with their significant others. They're biggest problems were things like keeping the toilet seat up and who was supposed to do the laundry. I longed for a relationship like theirs, and I couldn't help but wish it was with Sidney.

Yeah, the same guy who slept with me and left on more than one occasion, they same guy who still didn't understand why I was so upset with him, the same guy who used me more than once- I still longed for things to work out with him. I think that was my biggest problem in all of this. That if he came to my door tomorrow with a bouquet of roses and an speech that would put The Notebook to shame, I would run into his arms and kiss them like there was no tomorrow. I would forgive him and start our plans for the future ASAP. That's what I needed the most work on- learning to let all of this childish fantasies that involved our future together.

"Max could take him," Sarah smiled simply.

"We're just trying to help you Ev," Maddie smiled sympathetically. "We want you to be yourself again."

"I dunno," I muttered, looking down at my hands in my lap.

"I think you need some closure sweets," Maddie suggested. "You need to talk to Sid."

“You really do,” Sarah agreed with a nod. “I mean, we know it’s the last thing you want to do, but it has to be done Evan.”

“I’m fine, seriously,” I tried to tell them with a fake smile. They both gave me pointed looks.

“You’re a shit lair,” Maddie told me truthfully. “Go talk to Sid, Evangeline. What do you really have to lose at this point?”

God, I hated when they were right.