Amazing, Because It Is.

As long as I have a want, I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death. - George Bernard Shaw.

“Dude, you can see me?” Alex exploded with sound almost immediately, his eyes flickering to life as his grin burst forth, his sullen expression a thing of the past. My heart fluttered, like little wings inside my chest. Damn it.

“I’m your best friend, Alex. Did you really think I was gonna not be able to see you?” Jack scoffed, thus beginning the ‘catch-up’ discussion that I was so swiftly excluded from. Instead of listening in on every little detail of what Jack had done without Alex in his life, all holds barred, I set my sights outside, on the things blurring past the vehicle at warp speed.

My thoughts were fixed directly on one matter, which I mulled over deeply – why was it that I wasn’t ecstatic (or happy at all, rather) that I wasn’t the only one who could see Alex?

‘Correct me if I’m wrong,’ I told myself, no longer put off by the idea of inner-dialogue. If I was crazy, so be it. ‘But this kind of feels like…jealousy.’

That couldn’t be right.

“You know this isn’t the way to my house, right?” I interrupted a ‘rousing’ conversation Jack and Alex were having about some band, following my notice of the landmarks being all wrong. In fact, I think we were going in the complete opposite direction.

“Duh, Brook! We’re going to Jack’s house. He’s gonna show me this video game…”

And that’s where I zoned out. Because boys, dead or alive, will be boys.

- - -

“How come your brother is never around? I mean, I see your parents. Rarely, but I see them. I’ve never seen your brother,” Alex commented, sitting far too close to me for comfort as I sprawled out on my bed, taking deep breaths and contemplating if there was even a reason to draw the next.

“You’re really too nosy, you know that?” I commented after a somewhat lengthy period of silence, which was a thick feeling I had been growing accustomed to, prior to Alex’s triumphant return.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” he sighed, rolling his eyes dramatically. “But I’m dying to know. Really, the curiosity is killing me.”

“Hilarious,” I scoffed reproachfully, setting my mouth in a hard line. “Actually…he, um…he died about a month ago,” the words felt foreign coming out of my mouth, strangely like I wasn’t even the one saying them. I still wasn’t used to telling people that I had somehow managed to outlive my older brother.

“Shit,” Alex replied blandly. He didn’t sound apologetic for asking, like most normal people would’ve. Instead, he sounded like he was commending me for being able to say it, as bluntly as I had. It was strange how words, when given different inflection, could mean so many things. I met his heavy, searching gaze calmly as I could, but if I said I didn’t care about what thoughts were flashing in his head, I’d be lying.

A sudden thought hit me out of nowhere, dragging me under its influence with the strength of an ocean wave, and I absolutely couldn’t help it – slight hope began to bloom where none had previously been up to that point.

“Alex,” I began, my voice deliberate and soft, like I was afraid he would laugh at my idea. “Do you think that maybe Jeremy…is like…you?” I almost cast my eyes away from his face; afraid to see his reaction, but stopped myself because I had to look.

“You mean devilishly good looking?” he joked, grinning, which made my breath catch in my throat, but was not the answer I was hoping for. I guess I should’ve known that I had to explain myself better than that. I got a little carried away sometimes…

“No, I mean, a…ghost.”