Fragments of a Broken Mind
Chapter 20
*TIME ELAPSE*
It had been days and Gerard had avoided me, especially situations where the two of us would be alone. I felt so hurt and almost betrayed by this and kept saying so to Frank. I almost understood Gerard’s breakdown then as I longed for the past too. I mean, when he was younger his feelings would have been innocent and nothing else mattered. I wanted that too, so much so that I even dreamt of it.
I started to doubt my own sanity when I woke from dreams and felt reality crash down. I couldn’t go to my own brother who was like my best friend. He avoided me like he was rejecting me. I needed him, couldn’t he see that? I mean I had no feelings of a romantic kind for him and I didn’t want to lead him on in any way. I couldn’t stand the invisible barrier keeping us apart. It was killing me slowly, painfully but surely; killing me. God, I even preferred him all broken to what I had now.
Gerard came into the lounge where I was sitting all alone. He saw me and turned to go, “Gee, please don’t do this,” I begged him, “surely we can just talk?”
He looked at me and sighed, “there is nothing left to say,” he told me as he turned away again. “My feelings for you are different and I can’t look at you anymore.”
He left me crushed and I could say nothing in reply as he walked from the room.
He passed Frank who took one look at my face and he ran to my side, “baby, what has he said to you?”
I clung to him, “he… he said that he can’t look at me,” I began to cry, noisy sobs. I am sure that Gerard heard me but I didn’t care about that. I wanted him to know how much he had hurt me just then.
Frank held me tightly, rubbing soothingly at my back, “I doubt he meant that baby, he probably worded it wrong,” he kissed me gently, his voice full of reassurance as he spoke, “maybe I should get him and…”
“He won’t come to me and it hurts so much,” I said between the tears, “Frank I have lost him!” I was wailing by then, screaming my words as though the emotional pain was real, “I have lost him because I just can’t love him like I do you. Why can’t I return it? What’s wrong with me?”
“Hush!” Franks sympathy overwhelmed me. He continued to rub my back, “you can’t force an emotion just because you want him to speak to you. Nothing is wrong with you for that.”
“I want my brother back!” I squealed, the tears flowing even faster, “I want things to be as they were; I need it!” suddenly the pain became real and a blinding pain tore through me. I screamed and gripped at Frank as I slid to the floor.
Frank looked at me in concern but as I began to cry for Mummy he looked almost sick. He gripped my shoulders and shook me, “No, please Mikey, come back to me!” his voice was fading as another wave of pain gripped me, “Gee, help me!”
More hands came and shook me, “oh God Frank, he is…,” it was Gerard’s voice that drifted through the fog that seemed to have settled over the room. I whimpered in fear as more pain ran through me. Everything seemed to fade and start to spin and all I knew was that Gerard was beside me.
“Mikey?” Frank’s voice came to me and I turned to him. He reached to touch my face and sighed gently when I flinched back, “I am not going to hurt you baby. Just tell me you are all right.”
I smiled, I had never felt better than right now. Gerard was here with me and I gripped his hand, “Frankie, I am fine today. Are we going to play soon?” that was the first thing on my mind to ask him.
Well, I was only seven.
**END**
It had been days and Gerard had avoided me, especially situations where the two of us would be alone. I felt so hurt and almost betrayed by this and kept saying so to Frank. I almost understood Gerard’s breakdown then as I longed for the past too. I mean, when he was younger his feelings would have been innocent and nothing else mattered. I wanted that too, so much so that I even dreamt of it.
I started to doubt my own sanity when I woke from dreams and felt reality crash down. I couldn’t go to my own brother who was like my best friend. He avoided me like he was rejecting me. I needed him, couldn’t he see that? I mean I had no feelings of a romantic kind for him and I didn’t want to lead him on in any way. I couldn’t stand the invisible barrier keeping us apart. It was killing me slowly, painfully but surely; killing me. God, I even preferred him all broken to what I had now.
Gerard came into the lounge where I was sitting all alone. He saw me and turned to go, “Gee, please don’t do this,” I begged him, “surely we can just talk?”
He looked at me and sighed, “there is nothing left to say,” he told me as he turned away again. “My feelings for you are different and I can’t look at you anymore.”
He left me crushed and I could say nothing in reply as he walked from the room.
He passed Frank who took one look at my face and he ran to my side, “baby, what has he said to you?”
I clung to him, “he… he said that he can’t look at me,” I began to cry, noisy sobs. I am sure that Gerard heard me but I didn’t care about that. I wanted him to know how much he had hurt me just then.
Frank held me tightly, rubbing soothingly at my back, “I doubt he meant that baby, he probably worded it wrong,” he kissed me gently, his voice full of reassurance as he spoke, “maybe I should get him and…”
“He won’t come to me and it hurts so much,” I said between the tears, “Frank I have lost him!” I was wailing by then, screaming my words as though the emotional pain was real, “I have lost him because I just can’t love him like I do you. Why can’t I return it? What’s wrong with me?”
“Hush!” Franks sympathy overwhelmed me. He continued to rub my back, “you can’t force an emotion just because you want him to speak to you. Nothing is wrong with you for that.”
“I want my brother back!” I squealed, the tears flowing even faster, “I want things to be as they were; I need it!” suddenly the pain became real and a blinding pain tore through me. I screamed and gripped at Frank as I slid to the floor.
Frank looked at me in concern but as I began to cry for Mummy he looked almost sick. He gripped my shoulders and shook me, “No, please Mikey, come back to me!” his voice was fading as another wave of pain gripped me, “Gee, help me!”
More hands came and shook me, “oh God Frank, he is…,” it was Gerard’s voice that drifted through the fog that seemed to have settled over the room. I whimpered in fear as more pain ran through me. Everything seemed to fade and start to spin and all I knew was that Gerard was beside me.
“Mikey?” Frank’s voice came to me and I turned to him. He reached to touch my face and sighed gently when I flinched back, “I am not going to hurt you baby. Just tell me you are all right.”
I smiled, I had never felt better than right now. Gerard was here with me and I gripped his hand, “Frankie, I am fine today. Are we going to play soon?” that was the first thing on my mind to ask him.
Well, I was only seven.
**END**
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