I'm the Kind of Human Wreckage That You Love.

**another Alkaline Trio reference in title**


“You shaddup, I could make one call pretty, pretty princess, and you’ll be sleepin’ with the fishes!”

“Get atta hea!” I stood up with my hands on my hips.

“You get atta hea!” He repeated

“Foine! Yeah, and fuck New Joisey! I can barely breathe in this shithole.”

“What?! Fuck New Joisey?! Fuck Yous!”

“That’s another thing,” I remembered, snapping out of our playfight, “the air is terrible around here. It gets you sick more often.”

“Nice, buzzkill.”

“Sorry. I’m leaving, I'm leaving... Go to sleep, babe.”

“Yes, boss.”

With that, I walked back downstairs and joined Gerard, who was practically asleep on the kitchen counter.

“I’ve got two babies that need taking care of.”

“Hmm- What? I’m up.”

“Do you need to go home and sleep this off before your appointment?”

“What? Do I need to sleep with you? Yes, please.”

“Oh, my God, Gerard. You’re a fucking horny drunk.”

“It’s the pills.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Let me take you home, okay?”

“Okay.”

I yelled I was leaving, but would be back to Frankie, and left. We made it to his house and I walked him to the door. He convinced me into making out with him on his bed, but you know how these things go and one thing led to another...

Next thing you know, it’s an hour and a half later and I pull in to Frankie's driveway and realize I’ve misplaced my bra. I rushed up the stairs to to Frankie’s room. Before I opened the door, I took a second to smooth out my clothes and hair.

“Hey, you up?”

Frankie looked up at me, but then let his head drop back on the bed.

“You have sex hair.” He told me with his eye closed.

“Oh, wise guy, huh?...” I pushed his head into his pillow, “Now you have sex hair! Hah!”

“I’d tickle you, but I can barely move.”

I pushed out my lower lip in sympathy, “Can I get you anything?”

“Nah, I’m good.”

“Okay, I’m just gonna lay next to you okay?”

“Okay, the more heat the better.”

I fell asleep quickly but was woken up by the phone ringing.

“Hello?” I was incoherent from sleep.

“Oh- um,... is a... is Frank there?”

“Who is this?” I wondered without thinking

“It’s Jamia. Actually, just forget I called-”

“Wait! It’s not... We’re not... I’m just here because he’s sick, and then I fell asleep. That’s all. I have a boyfriend.” I sputtered out, trying to save my ass, as well as Frank’s.

“Oh, okay. You said he’s sick?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I talk to him?”

“He’s asleep right now, but if you want I could-”

“No, no, don’t wake him up. Just tell him I called, okay?”

“Will do. But, is this the first time you’ve called him?”

“Yeah. But, he’s called me before.”

“Cool. He’ll be so bummed out he missed you.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah.”

I heard her let out a quick, embarrassed laugh, “Well, thanks.”

“Sure. I’ll make sure he calls back, okay? Bye.”

“Bye.”

I could barely contain my excitement, and after about ten minutes of staring at Frankie, willing him to wake up, my patience ran out. I began making loud coughing noises, which led to teasingly kicking him and playing with his hair. Frankie already slept like the dead, and his illness only added to the problem. Finally after whispering extremely obscure facts I knew into his ear he flopped on to his back and his eyes fluttered open.

I was sitting cross-legged an the bed and smiling at him.

“What’s up? What are you so happy about?”

“’Cuz, I know something you don’t know.” I revealed in my best Inigo Montoya impression from the Princess Bride.

“What?”

“Let me ‘splain... No, to much to ‘splain, let me sum up...” Again from The Princess Bride.

He sat up like me and pointed at me, “We’re watching that movie after you finish your fucking game of charades.”

“Guess who called you... C’mon! Guess!” I squeaked overflowing with enthusiasm

“Princess...,” He looked at me exhausted, but guessed anyway, making me love him even more, “Okay... um, Santa Claus?”

“No! Way Better!... Jamia!”

“What?! Fuck. I can’t believe I missed it. Wait? What did she think about you?”

“Don’t worry, I cleared things up. She knows you’re sick.”

“You didn’t tell her with what, did you?”

“No, I didn’t tell her you have the Kissing Disease.”

“Good, ‘cuz then she’d never want to kiss me.”

“Nonsense. You have to call her back, though. I promised her you would. I mean, if you feel up to it, she’ll understand if you’re not.”

“I think I will. Hand me the phone.” He coughed on purpose a few times to soften his voice, and combed the hair out of his face.

I handed him the phone and rushed down the hall to the bathroom to grab him a few aspirins and a cup of water. He swallowed the pills and dialled Jamia’s number from memory. I gave him a “look”.

“Go get the movie ready.” He told me with his hand over the receiver.

“No. I wanna hear... you.... guys,” He gave me the “look”, “Fine...” I pouted and stepped out of his room.

While I scanned his shelf of movies, I could hear Frankie begin to laugh and then cough. It sounded as if they were good friends already. I started singing the Alkaline Trio song, “Blue In the Face”. **You’re not allowed to finish this chapter without listening to this song!** It just seemed to fit so well with the current situation.

“It’s about time,
that you got sick of me.
No longer fun,
and so far from interesting,
I thought that I,
found me a cure for feeling old,
just one more line.
I repeat over and over again,
‘til im blue in the face.
with a choking regret
as I talk in circles ‘round you on my bed.”

Frankie joined me downstairs and sang along.

“And I don’t dream,
since I quit sleeping.
And, I haven’t slept since I met you.”

I continued.

“And you can’t breath without coughing in daytime
and neither can I.
So what do you say?
You’re coffin or mine?”

I started to laugh because of the irony.

“I love that song.” Frankie professed.

“Me, too. Isn’t it perfect for you?”

“Yeah.” Frankie took The Princess Bride from my hand and slowly wandered over to the TV.

“Well? What did she say?” I followed him.

“We’ll hang out when you let me go out again.”

“Good answer.”

We watched the movie and repeated the lines together.

“ ’Not even death can stop true love.’ ” I quoted to Frankie, dreamily.

“Good, because I’m about ready to die.” He rubbed his head and groaned.

“Aw, babe, I’m sorry.”

His head was leaned over the back of the couch and his eyes were barely open. I felt his forehead, it was still warm.

“Do you want me to call your mom?”

“Nah, all I can do is sleep it out.”

“That’s true. Pleasant dreams then. ‘I hope you dream about large women.’ ”

He laughed at yet another Princess Bride quote and we went back to watching the movie. I looked at him about three minutes later and he was asleep and drooling. He looked like a brand new puppy.