Kill Me.

Callum looked down at the boy curled into his side, unsure of what to do. Lee had spoken quietly. Maybe he could pretend he hadn’t heard the sentiment. But he had and it was in the open now. It was impulsive, completely unintentional when Callum slowly pushed himself to his feet. He walked calmly, emotionlessly to the doorm having every intention of leaving.

“No,” Lee said, his voice fierce, bordering on angry as Callum’s hand closed around the doorknob. The older man glanced behind him, to see his boyfriend standing, watching him carefully. “If you walk out that door Callum, do not ever think you’ll come back in.”

“Lee…” he began before falling silent. He looked at the boy, stared into his eyes with what he knew was desperation even as he allowed his hand to fall from the knob. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you feel that way,” he said, voice shaking as he looked at the younger man.

“I’m not,” Lee told him firmly, completely sure of himself. “I want to love you Callum,” he told the editor gently, holding out a hand to him. Callum just shook his head even as he stepped closer, allowing his hand to fall back into Lee’s.

“I don’t know what to say Lee, what to do,” he said quietly, completely lost. He wanted so desperately to avoid hurting the writer but he didn’t know how to avoid it. “I don’t know if I feel love. I honestly don’t. I’m sorry,” he whispered. Lee gave him a reassuring smile as he wrapped his arms around the older man, allowing him to bury his face into his shoulder.

Callum couldn’t help it when he felt his eyes burning, the sensation so unpleasant and unfamiliar it took him a moment to even realize what it was. Once the first tear had fallen a multitude seemed to follow and he was suddenly shaking and so cold. Lee held him even tighter as he pulled them back onto the couch. Callum tried frantically to stop the tears, to make the shaking stop but he couldn’t find the self-control to achieve his goal.

“It’s ok Callum. You don’t have to tell me that you feel the same. I didn’t expect you to feel that way,” Lee told him softly, trying to reassure him but Callum only felt worse. How could he be so unable to tell Lee, his sweet, perfect Lee that he didn’t love him? How was it possible that he felt anything else for the younger man? He was the only person that, regardless of the circumstance, make him feel better, feel whole.

“I want to love you Lee,” he said so quietly that he wasn’t even sure his boyfriend would hear it. “I think I might.”

“That’s more than enough,” Lee assured him, pulling away from the man just enough to tilt his head up for a tender kiss. “I can wait for you.”

“Hey Cal.” At the sound of Lee’s voice Callum forced his bleary eyes open, looking up into his bright hazel eyes, specks of green standing out more than usual. He sighed, content, as the boy ran a gentle hand through his hair. Unintentionally he snuggled his head into Lee’s shoulder, looking up at him with a small smile. “I got you some Advil.”

“Thank you,” he said quietly, wincing when his throat felt scratched, his eyes raw. “How’d you know I’d need it?”

“Everyone always does after crying and you were pretty emotional last night,” Lee said quietly, smiling as Callum pressed a kiss to his clavicle.

“I’m sorry about that,” he said sincerely and Lee simply shrugged, waving off the apology as he handed Callum a glass of water to wash the pills down with.

“What do you have to do today?” Lee asked after a few minutes of silence and Callum grunted, shrugging. He really should go see his mom for a little while. And he should go to the gym for a little while, and do a little work around his place. But honestly, eh couldn’t really bring himself to care with Lee lying next to him, still toying with his hair and using the other hand to pull Callum as close as he could get.

“Nothing important,” he mumbled finally.

“How about we go see your mom and sister?” Lee suggested hesitantly, giving Callum an unsure smile.

“Later,” he agreed after a moment of thought. “We can have dinner with them,” he agreed. “Can we sleep more till then?” he asked with a pout and Lee laughed, agreeing. Callum wasn’t entirely sure why he suddenly felt so comfortable with Lee, feeling such a strong need to be near him, but he wasn’t going to complain. It felt good, not to be afraid to be close to someone, not to be incapable of intimacy.

Callum yawned as he wandered down the street, the icy wind biting. He pulled his jacket a little tighter, trying to block out some of the chill as he made his way to his sister’s house. He was nearly there when he saw the shadow of a person casting over him, a presence seeming to be following him.

Spinning around and ready for anything he frowned, glaring into the empty darkness. A man was lunging at him suddenly, arm looking as if it were holding something, maybe even a weapon. Callum scowled angrily, taking the knife in his hand and attacking the person with it, grounding them immediately. It was only as the man fell to the ground, the sound of metal hitting concrete in a soft twinkle that the moonlight fell on the man’s face.

Lee was looking at him, eyes wide and pained, chest bleeding as he grasped at it. Next to him Callum could see a small necklace that must have been what he was holding. Callum fell to his knees, screaming desperately even as the boy’s eyes flickered, falling closed.

“Callum, Callum!” His eyes flashed open and he was suddenly sitting up, clawing frenziedly at Lee, hands grasping onto every inch of skin they could reach before he placed a hand over the boy’s heart, afraid to look down. He did, only to see Lee’s pale skin, completely unmarred.

“Baby what happened?” Lee asked, allowing Callum to pull him close. “You sounded so hurt.” It was only as Callum pulled away that he saw the fear in Lee’s eyes, the slightly glassy appearance the suspended tears gave them.

“I’m fine, it’s ok,” he said for his own benefit as much as Lee’s. His Lee was safe, regardless of how vivid the dream had been. “It was just a bad dream.”

“You were screaming Cal,” he said softly, still looing concerned.

“I… I killed you Lee. You were behind me and it was dark and I killed you.”

“But you didn’t,” he assured him, nodding. “I’m still here.” He pressed a kiss to Callum’s lips, pulling the boy closer. Callum was frantic, grasping onto Lee’s shoulders to yank him as close as he could possibly get as he pressed kisses to Lee’s softly parted lips.