You Just Never Know

***

“Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I scream into my pillow. Why the hell did I fucking kiss him? He doesn’t love me so why did I do it? He says he loves me but he doesn’t. There’s no way he does, not like that. Not like I want him to love me. And that makes him a liar, right? First he runs away, then he ignores me and when he tells me he loves me, I mean, do he really expect me to believe him?! I wanna hate him for this. But I can’t. I can’t ‘cuz I fuckin’ love him. I’m in love with him.

Holy shit, this is bad. He must hate me right now. Not that he looked like he hated me when I left but he was probably just too shocked. So he hates me and I can’t hate him back. Life isn’t fucking fair.

“Mikey,” I mumble into the pillow. I don’t want to think about him anymore but I just can’t keep my mind away from the thought of him. The sensation of his lips against mine haunts me and the way he tasted floats back into my head. The incident has stuck on my mind. I don’t want it there but I can’t wipe it away.

“Mikey,” I say once again but this time it sounds more like a lust filled moan. What a little pervert I am. Moaning his name. That’s just gross. If he heard me I bet he would kick my stupid little ass. He would beat me up for sure. Or maybe not, that’s not like him. He would just get angry I guess. But if he caught me masturbating while moaning his name then he would beat me black and blue. I’m really such a pervert for even thinking about it. I haven’t done it but isn’t it the thought that counts? The grossest thing about this is that I don’t find it gross at all. Mike would though. I know he would. I mean, who wouldn’t? Or do I actually know? I thought I’d sealed my faith when I kissed him. I was convinced that he would push me away and scream at me or punch me. But, he didn’t. He kissed me back. Mike kissed me back, and God it felt so fucking good. So perhaps he does love me. Like I love him. Could it be possible? Oh, who the hell do I think I’m fooling? Of course he doesn’t. He’s a lair. He’s straight. Mike doesn’t like guys at all, he just doesn’t swing that way. Or what if he does without knowing it yet? I had no idea I liked guys until I noticed the way Mike made me feel. Then I realized, or maybe admitted, that I like to check out pretty boys as well as pretty girls.

“Yeah right, dream on Billie boy, dream on,” I mutter to myself. He’s straight and that’s it. Period.

The only thing I can do right now is hoping that he still wants to be my friend. I would rather never speak to him or even see him again but I know I won’t be able to keep away from him. Being friends with him is better the nothing I guess. Hope he doesn’t come over here now though. I’m still mad at him for running away and then ignoring me. He’s supposed to try to understand me in the best way that he can. We’re best friends after all.

I’m so pissed off at him right now and still all I wanna do is to kiss him once more. If I ever get the chance to do it again I’m gonna be really gentle. I gonna kiss him so very softly and tenderly. No, Billie! Don’t go there! He’s you’re friend, remember? Oh, to hell with it! Why is it so wrong that I want to kiss him? That I want to hold him close and love him forever? Well, you idiot, it’s wrong ‘cuz he’s your friend. He even told me he didn’t want to be anything more than my friend. Did he suspect something or was he just being paranoid? Like it matters anyway.

So this is what it feels like to have your heart broken? Fuck, I fucking hate it. I would be easier to take if some girl had broken my heart instead ‘cuz then Mike had been right here now, by my side, picking up the pieces. Who is gonna keep me safe, who is gonna be there to pick up the pieces, who is gonna love me if Mike’s not by my side? The answer is no one. What will I do without him? Mikey, why did you leave me?

I bury my face in the pillow and all I can do is wondering why. Wait, did I hear footsteps? No, my mind is playing tricks on my again. All is good as long as Mike doesn’t come around. ‘Cause if he does he’ll most likely be angry.

“Billie?” I hear someone call by the door. It’s Mike.

“Go away!” I scream angrily while my heart is screaming for him to come in and hold me tight. Hold me forever. I think Mike can hear my heart’s silent cry because he opens the door despite my wrathful outcry. He steps inside and closes the door behind him. I sit up and glare at him. Then it hits me how sad he looks. He looks completely devastated. I think he’s genuinely sorry for acting like he did. Man, it makes me feel bad. No, correction, it makes me feel like a complete ass. I didn’t treat him very nice. I said some really nasty things. Poor Mikey.

“You’re crying,” he whispers and the sorrow filling his voice is simply heartbreaking. I bet my heart would break right away if it weren’t for the fact that it’s already broken.

“Don’t cry, please don’t cry,” he pleads. “I’m so, so sorry! So sorry.”

I lift a hand to my face touching my cheek with my fingertips. It’s damp. I didn’t even notice that I was crying. He walks over to me and scoops me up in his arms. I don’t protest nor do I struggle. He sits down on the bed with his back against the wall. I snuggle as close to him as possible and rest my head against his chest. This is how I want to stay for all eternity. Cradled in his arms.

“I’m so sorry Joe-Joe,” he whispers in my ear. “I never meant to hurt you. I’m so sorry. Don’t cry. Shhh, don’t cry,” he hushes but it just makes me cry even harder. He’s sorry. He really is. I was so mean to him. He never meant to hurt me! And I was so angry ‘cuz I though he didn’t care. I hurt him on purpose.

“I’ll do anything to make things right again,” Mike tells me with a thick voice. “Anything at all. I would die for you Billie. You know I live for you, don’t you? You’re everything to me. I love you.”

I pretend that I don’t hear the last sentence. I know now that he isn’t lying but he still doesn’t mean it in the way it’s meant to be used. It makes me start crying like I never can become happy again. My whole body shakes as I sob uncontrollably. Mike rocks me back and forth trying to comfort me. Suddenly he places a soft kiss on my head.

“Please,” he murmurs before he kisses me on the top of my head again. “Don’t cry.”

I try to stop crying but I simply can’t. He’ll never love me. He has no idea what he’s doing to my by kissing me like this. And if he had he wouldn’t be doing it.

Mike cups my cheek with his hand and gently forces me to look at him. His cold hand feels good against my burning skin. For a split second I believe he’s going to kiss me, God knows that’s what I would have done, but he simply gives me a comforting smile.

“No more crying Joe-Joe. I’m here for you now, and this is where I’m going to stay. Forever,” he assures.

Finally I manage to stop weeping. I can even give him a tiny smile.

“Always by my side?” I ask in a small voice like I’m sacred of the answer. Or like I think he’ll leave if I speak.

“Always,” he nods and my smile grows bigger.

“You and me together. Forever,” I say and it’s something between a statement and a question. I don’t even know myself. Judging from Mike’s smile he knows though. Funny how he knows me better then I do.

“Forever,” he murmurs reassuring as he lets go of my face and I put my head back to rest against his chest listening to the steady throb of his heart.