You Just Never Know

***

When I walked into my room Billie was sitting on the bed. He didn’t find me this time but I know he was out looking for me. He always does whenever I run away like that, but Billie has no idea that he only finds me when I want him to. If I want to be alone I just hide out at a place I know he won’t be searching at.

Like so many times before I walk right past him ignoring his presence. As usually I pick up my bass, sit down at the end of my bed and start playing. For a long while neither of us speaks or moves. I simply keep on playing and Billie Joe sits behind me listening. He hasn’t moved and I know he’s looking at me even though I can’t see him. I’m wishing he would leave and at the same time I hope, with all my heart, that he stays. Eventually he moves closer and I know it long before I feel the bed move because of him shifting his weight. I just play like nothing has happened. He’s right behind me now. I can’t feel his body heat. That’s how close he is. His warm breath sweep over the back of my neck.

I don’t know why but for some reason I play out of tune and hit the wrong chord all of a sudden. Crap, that sounded like hell. I wonder what he’s thinking. He shouldn’t sit close to me. Does he want me to flee again? I’m not good at handling myself when I’m under pressure. He knows I can’t deal with a lot of stress, I just gotta get out. Please Billie, don’t get closer now!

Damn, I don’t think he can read my mind. If he could he wouldn’t be leaning against me. His head rests against my back, just below my right shoulder. Is he the reason I fuck up and hit the wrong chord ever so often? I’ll just go on ignoring him. I play better if I pretend he isn’t here. So, just concentrate on playing the bass. That will do it.

“Play something beautiful for me Mike,” Billie Joe breathes in my ear.

Guess focusing on playing works; I didn’t even notice that he’d moved his head. He puts it back to rest just below my shoulder.

He want me to play something pretty? On bass? Billie Joe must be the only one who thinks anything played on bass can sound beautiful. Except for me that is, of course. But before I know it I’m trying my very best to please him. I have no idea why but I’m really trying here to make it sound marvelous. Maybe it’s my way of saying I’m sorry. Maybe it’s just because I always do as he says. I don’t know why but I wanna make him happy. Because if he’s happy then I am happy too. Why can’t things just be that simple? No, it’s always complicated.

I sigh and get up leaving Billie Joe alone on the bed. I don’t look at him as I put away my bass. I don’t want to look at him. But I guess I have to. Can’t avoid it forever, can I? I turn to face him and all I had planed to say and everything I wanted to tell him just disappears. My mind goes blank and the only thing I can do is to stare at him. He looks so incredible sad and those emerald orbs of his, usually referred to as eyes, are filled with sorrow. The smile he gives me is warm but the expression in his eyes makes everything about him really bittersweet.

I have no idea what to say. That it’s ok that he’s bi? I can’t say that, it’ll make it sound like there is something wrong with it but I accept it anyway. Can I tell him that I’m sorry I ran away? It’s just a word. It doesn’t mean anything. Nothing I say can make things better. He will always remember that I betrayed him and left when he needed my support. Will he ever trust me again? Why does he have to look like a lost puppy? I wanna hug him and make it all better but I just can’t. What if he takes it the wrong way? I’m fucking paranoid, why would he misinterprets my actions?

Move Mike! Move dammit! Talk, move, just do anything. Damn, I can’t. I don’t know what to do. Please Billie, don’t look at me like that! I don’t want to hurt you. I didn’t mean to hurt you; I never meant to hurt you. I don’t know why I ran. I have no idea why I can’t talk to you, why I can’t even move.

"Say it to him dumb-ass!"

Why can’t I just say it to him!? He gets up, turns around and walks towards the door. He’s going to leave me. He must think I don’t want to talk. I do Billie! I gonna make things better! I promise! Don’t leave me! Please, Billie. Please. I love you.

“I love you,” escapes my lips like a desperate murmur. It makes him stop dead in his tracks. Slowly he turns around facing me. Shit, he’s angry. He gives me a disgusted look like I’m not worth anything. Why? What have I done? He clenches his fist and storms at me stopping only inches away. I look into his eyes and the look he’s giving me pierces through my own eyes and goes straight to my heart. He’s so upset and angry and all I said is that I love him.

“Fucking liar,” he hisses and I can fell his warm breath hit my face when he talks. “You don’t, you’re lying! Why did you run away if you love me? Why don’t you talk to me if you love me Mike? Why aren’t you always there for me, always by my side?”

“I-I don’t know,” I whisper huddling up feeling so small and insignificant. I notice the rage that mounts inside of Billie. It’s like a wild beast inside of him that could leap out any minute and destroy everything around him.

“You don’t know? You don’t fucking know?!” he screams at me throwing his arms in the air.

“No,” I whimper trying to make myself scarce. I feel like I’m nothing and if I could I would disappear instantly. He’s both shorter and smaller than I am but it feels like his towering over me right now.

“Well, let me tell you,” he says in a low dangerous voice as he moves his face even closer to mine. “Because you don’t love me,” he hisses biting his teeth together in anger.

“You never have, you’re a liar,” Billie tells me and it hurts. It hurts so bad. He looks at me and I want to look away but I can’t.

“I’m not, I just, it’s not like that, I-I,” comes over my lips as I stumble over my words trying to explain myself. He sneers at me giving me that disgusted look again.

“Shut the fuck up Mike,” he mumbles in my ear. I shudder both relived and crushed that he’s not looking at me anymore. He moves his head eyeing my neck and then my lips.

“Billie, please,” I plead trying to, to. I have no idea what I’m trying to do. I just don’t want things to be like this.

“No Mike, just shut it,” he says partly suppressing his anger, which causes his voice to tremble somewhat. His lisps are slightly drawn back and when he speaks he looks like he’ll bite me any second. I look at him trying to regain eye contact so that I can convince him that I’m not lying but he won’t look me in the eyes. His gaze is lowered and moves between my lips and his own shaking fists.

“Bill,” I say sounding really desperate. And that’s how I feel. Desperate for making him understand that I do love him. He’s my best friend. Hell, he’s all I’ve got.

He doesn’t answer me. This time he doesn’t tell me to shut up but he manages to make me keep quiet anyway. Billie touches my lip with his fingertips and whatever I wanted to say simply vanishes. His breathing has quickened and I can almost see his heart pound against his chest. He runs his tongue over his lips. I can’t move. I can’t speak. All I can do is watch him and suddenly he leans in pressing his lips against mine. I’m too shocked to push him away. I part my lips in effort to protest but he just shoves his tongue into my mouth.

The kiss is kinda furious and Billie Joe grabs my head by the hair preventing me from getting away. I found myself kissing him back slightly. Our teeth clashes together with a clicking sound a few times because of the fierce way he’s kissing me. Billie is forcing his tongue further into my moth and he’s pressing his lips hard against mine in a very dominant way. I notice that my hands have found their way to Billie Joe where they’re resting on his shoulders. Is it because I wanna push him away or hold him close? I honestly have no idea. All I know is that I’m not able to break free. Do I actually want to? He tries to pull my head even closer but it just isn’t possible. Our lips are already locked together as close as they can be. His tongue swirls in my mouth in a violent way. He tastes good. I’m just starting to actually enjoy this when all of a sudden he ends the kiss by biting on my bottom lip almost hard enough to make it hurt. Then he steps back just like that, breaking away and letting go of me.

My hands that had been grabbing his shoulders only seconds ago fall to my side and I stare at him dumbfounded. He just kissed me. Billie Joe just kissed me. And I kinda liked it. Or I think I did, I’m not sure. Once again I try to look him in the eyes but he still isn’t looking at me. His eyes are closed and I don’t know if it’s because he wants to make an indelible impression on his memory or because he doesn’t want that beast of rage inside him to break lose.

“Bill,” I whisper reaching out and touching his cheek. He opens his eyes and swats my hand away. Then he just turns around and run. I stand motionless where he left me, my hand still held out. He hasn’t left the house. I know he only ran as far as to his room, I could tell from the sound of footsteps. God, I really fucked things up.