Conventional

I can lose him so easily. One little mistake, and I know it’ll all just go downhill. What if someone accidently finds out about this? Not only would Alex have trouble, but I’d be completely screwed. They’re all homophobes, Alex’s friends… If they know I’m gay then I’ll just be the center of their attention, and who knows what they’ll do to Alex.

Don’t get me wrong… I would gladly come out for Alex. If he wanted to tell everyone that we’re together, I’d have no problem with it. It’s not like I hide my sexuality – I just don’t go around telling people I like guys. But he doesn’t want to come out, and I understand that.

But overall, this secret doesn’t only affect me and Alex. It affects my brothers as well. They can’t have people over when Alex is around. James’s girlfriend is in my grade. She’s sort of popular, sort of in with Alex’s group of friends. If she finds out… Yeah, you get the point.

“Baby what are you thinking about?”

Alex’s voice pulls me back from my thoughts. It’s nearing 6:30 and we’re lying on my bed waiting for Juliette to come get us for dinner. His fingers are laced with mine and I feel so much more than content.

“Nothing really… Just stuff.”

“Anything you want to talk to me about?”

“No… it’s not important stuff,” I lie. I don’t want him to be concerned over me.

“Okay…” He pauses and then opens his mouth to say something else but his phone rings, interrupting him. “Sorry, it’s a text. One second.” He takes the time to type a few words out and then looks up at me. “That was Jack. I just had to tell him I’m not going to make his party tonight.”

“Oh…” I trail off. I feel bad when he ditches his friends, but he sees them all week… I barely see him ever.

“Hey, it’s okay. I didn’t want to go. I want to be here, with you.”

I smile, but I think he can tell that it isn’t quite as big as it normally is.

*

“Have you started looking at colleges, Alex?” Mom asks when we’re finally all settled down for dinner. To my right is Alex and to my left is Jayden. Jayden doesn’t really talk much anymore. Over the years he just got quieter and quieter and started locking himself in his room more often. Mom has sent him to so many psychiatrists, but all of them tell her that it’s his decision – he can talk more if he wants to. He just doesn’t. I personally think it all links back to when my dad died.

“I’m thinking of going local. Maybe check out the community college. I’m not too sure yet though.”

“Oh well that’s good. You’re not interested in going away?”

“Well… it kind of all depends on what Zack’s thinking of doing, to be honest.”

I look over at him. He’s blushing and Mom is just grinning. James, who’s across from us, just rolls his eyes.

“What’s college?” Nick asks. He’s 8 years old, and the youngest in our family. “Is it school?”

“Yes; it’s where you go after high school,” Mom explains to him.

Alex elbows me under the table. “He’s so cute,” he says quietly with a smile. I shrug. I just think he’s annoying.

*

After dinner, Alex and I go up to my room. We play Xbox with my younger brothers Charlie and David. I win every single game. I’m good, what can I say?

Charlie and David like Alex. They kind of look up to him, in a way. They like when he comes over and hangs out with them. Alex doesn’t have any siblings, so I know that he feels like an older brother when he’s at my house.

“They really look up to you, you know,” I inform him when the two of them leave the room at 10:30.

“But why? It’s not like-”

“Well because you’re not related to them and you play video games with them. They think it’s cool. If they could tell their friends about you, they so would.”

“That’s cute…”

We’re interrupted, once again, by his cell phone. This time it’s an actually call.

“Hello?”

It’s Jack. I can hear his voice from the other end.

“Alex, your mom just called me looking for you because you’re not answering her calls. Where the fuck are you, man? Where have you been sneaking off to?”

Alex looks at me, eyes wide, and I’m not really sure what to tell him.